How do I tell my SIL?

[Howdoitellher]

My 'D'B has been having an affair for about a year. He recently left his wife and she doesn't know about the OW. He's being all kinds of horrible, rewriting history, telling everyone she is abusive and trashing her to anyone who will listen. In the meantime he is cosying up to the OW and trying to casually introduce her into the family as a friend. This has all happened very fast.

Meanwhile SIL doesn't know anything about OW and thinks its all her fault. Poor woman is in distress and is desperately trying to get him back. He's also starting to get the kids onside saying he wasn't happy, poor dad deserves to be happy. Its heart breaking to watch the manipulation knowing what's really going on.

I'm disgusted at his behaviour and have told him so. I want to tell SIL the truth but I cannot do it directly as the fall out would cause massive wider impact (can't go into details so please trust me on this).

This woman needs to know the truth as her mental health is suffering. What can I do?

Is the other woman married?

How did you find out?

I had a similar situation and the SIL told me. Their family fall out wasn't that huge really given that the ex was as in the wrong and everyone knew this.
If your family get cross with you it would show their true colours in my eyes and not a family that I'd want to have much contact with.
Tell your SIL she deserves to know. Your brother will get over it, your SIL will thank you.

Have the decency to do it face to face with answers and explanations. Don't be a coward.

Telling anyone, anything anonymously is just horrible. She deserves to know and be able to clarify things. But be prepared to give her your support. If you're worried about the fallout from your family, because they support your 'D'B, then they're behaving pretty shittily too.

If I could, I would go to see her face to face and tell her that what I was going to tell her wasn’t going to be nice to hear, but that I felt she needed to know. I’d also tell her that I would deny all knowledge of the conversation if it came up in future and I’d hope she understood what I had at stake, but that I knew she needed to know the truth.

I’d make sure I had proof too, just In case she wanted to see it.

Tell her yourself.

She lives in another country, can't see her face to face.

I appreciate people trying to understand the reasons I can't tell her but its not to do with fear of fall out from family or anything like that. I cannot elaborate but there are specifics reasons. Sorry for being cryptic but that's as far as I am willing to go on that.

So my options are phone her, message her, write to her or do one of these via another channel, be it friend or anonymously.

Thanks for the different perspectives.

how some on mumsnet won't be happy unless you give them every in and out of what the fallout is. Just ignore it.

I think a recorded letter is the best way and with concrete details.

Good luck.

Phone or video call if actual face to face is impossible.

I presume from the 'can't tell her face to face' thing that that was the barrier, as you're now saying you could tell her as a friend?

Oh I misunderstood- there's another reason you can't be the one to tell her?

Is the OW a reasonable person? Aside from the fact she's happy to carry on with a married man, obviously...
Could you speak to her and explain the impact it's having on the ExW and ask him to be honest with her?

Guessing he probably wouldn't as he sounds like a complete tool but might be worth a shot.

God, sounds like my ex! Gas lighting a-hole!

Tell her. Get one of your friends to do it without directly dropping you in it. The poor bloody woman has been manipulated, gas lit, put through Hell and back and thinks it's all her own doing, and all the while he's playing happy families and the woe is me card! Urgh. Disgusting.

I hope the OW hasn't relished in what he's done to his wife as he will be doing it to her soon. And don't help her if he does as she's just as bad as he is for having an affair!

Fuck your brother.

Your brother is an abuser and your SIL is his victim.

He is presently attempting to build a case with all who know them to paint her as a crazy, abusive, inadequate mother - likely in order to attempt to take her kids away from her. A terrifyingly monstrous coup de grace and in all likelihood financially motivated. Bastard.

TELL HER.