Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When you know it gone on his side

53 replies

Passthebubbly · 12/01/2020 19:21

I just know, 20 years together. 2 kids, great life, some hardships on my side with sick parents but in the whole we have been a team.
This last year I feel he has become more and more distant from me. AirPods in if he is at home and where he is physically present he is not actually present. He just shows no interest anymore and the kisses and cuddles at start and end of day have stopped. Sex would it happen if I did not attempt it. Feeling so sad and just don’t know how to get the spark back or make him see me again

OP posts:
Zzzz19 · 12/01/2020 19:44

Have you had the discussion with him about this?

LadyLightning · 12/01/2020 19:45

Talk to him? You need to find out what is going on. Could be he is feeling really down.

Original poster
Passthebubbly · 12/01/2020 20:05

Yes over the past 2 years we have had several talks about it but lots of life events have taken place within that time and just the last few days I have sat and looked at where we are and know it’s just not right.

OP posts:
Sparkle567 · 12/01/2020 20:06

Could you suggest counselling? Or splitting?

Original poster
Passthebubbly · 12/01/2020 20:08

And it’s more that I am feeling really down, lost my father now found myself as a Carer for my mum along with raising 2 kids and living 65miles round trip away. My husband though amazing practically emotionally has left me I feel. I just need a hug

OP posts:
Original poster
Passthebubbly · 12/01/2020 20:09

I am sat here utterly bawling my eyes out thinking just how worthless I am looking at even the lack of responses on here. Why should he care anymore what’s the point. He doesn’t even touch me anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
Passthebubbly · 12/01/2020 20:13

Yes sparkle I think splitting is the only way to go. I think he is waiting for me to look like the bad guy. I just have no strength in me anymore and am so down it’s no wonder he has had enough but he doesn’t want to hear it

OP posts:
Advice201900 · 12/01/2020 20:13

Hey, sorry you feel so low and it’s completely understandable given what you have been through and describe. Don’t beat yourself up anymore it will only make you feel worse.

I can only suggest maybe going out just you two for a walk or lunch somewhere quiet to chat through your feelings. Good luck.

Raera · 12/01/2020 20:15

Hug from me
Sexting helped us through a really low point.
Book an appointment or date with him for intimacy
Men need to have sex to feel loved. Women need to feel loved to have sex

MousematsRule · 12/01/2020 20:15

A friend of mine was in a very similar position OP, she was devastated that their previously good marriage had turned to crap and he acted like he had checked out. She suspected and affair at one point.

They talked about it and he couldn't figure out why he felt like he did either and they actually looked like they were splitting up for a while there - he was so apethetic about everything.

Anyway, after a couple of GP visits it turned out he had quite a considerable underlying but stealthy health condition and also started treatment for depression.

This might not be the case for your DH, you might be right, he may have checked out but you really need to start a conversation

Zzzz19 · 12/01/2020 20:16

When you have dependant children to look out for and dependant parents, it’s utterly shit. Sometimes relationships just come to an end and the passion fizzles out due to life being no fun anymore.

EssentialHummus · 12/01/2020 20:22

It sounds like there is a lot going on for you which is also ramping up the pressure. I think you need to talk to him - what does he think is happening in your relationship? Why doesn't he initiate sex? Does he feel depressed generally?

It may be that things have run their course, but it's worth a real dig down first for your own sanity if nothing else.

Flowers
Original poster
Passthebubbly · 12/01/2020 20:26

All of these things strike a cord, I want sex he never seems keen would not happen if I did not initiate. It’s probably me that is depressed and perhaps that is annoying him. He has just shut off from me but fine with everyone else. I have a lot in my plate with a mother who is now dependent on me and I know it pisses him off but I just can’t seem to do enough for anyone to keep them happy. I have just had enough but I could cope with him by my side but I can clearly feel just how much he has removed himself from me and it’s killed me

OP posts:
Original poster
Passthebubbly · 12/01/2020 20:28

Thank you everyone just needed a friendly ear tonight. I’m always the one that people come to with problems so it’s hard to open up

OP posts:
ChangedMyNameYetAgain · 12/01/2020 20:41

Poor you OP. You have so much on your plate.
You need to talk with him.
From what you have said, it sounds like he has checked out but that's just my guess.
Big Hug.

Sparkle567 · 12/01/2020 20:55

How old are your kids ?

Original poster
Passthebubbly · 12/01/2020 20:57

12 and 9

OP posts:
Seaweed42 · 12/01/2020 21:06

What can happen is the dynamic can change. Your mother has come into your life and now gets a lot of your attention. Your DH could be unconsciously shutting you out because he feels he has lost control of you. It may be worth discussing this with him to see can the dau to dau communication improve. It's very rude to be wearing airpods all day. It's akin to the silent treatment.
Can you put in place any additional support for your Mum because that is a burden with the travelling?

Also, if you could afford counselling for yourself it would be an hour each week just for yourself to talk. Sorry about your Dad.

JustGiveMeTwoMinutes · 12/01/2020 21:06

Do you ever get time together just the two of you? Flowers

ConfCall · 12/01/2020 21:10

Is your mum getting help from social services (and/or paid help)? If not, now is definitely the time to arrange that, so you can step back from her a bit, and work on what’s happening at home, which is your priority now. Joint counselling may be useful.

MrsGrindah · 12/01/2020 21:12

Men need to have sex to feel loved. Women need to feel loved to have sex

Bollocks.

OP I feel so sorry for you. You sound understandably overwhelmed and he is being unkind. You need to need to have a frank chat with him. Explain his practical help is great but it’s not enough. AirPods are unacceptable, but don’t just tell him what you don’t want, tell him what you do want too. If you are both committed to communication you can get past this , but you need to prepare yourself with a plan B if he won’t cooperate.

Original poster
Passthebubbly · 12/01/2020 21:13

Seaweed you made me feel understood there thank you x

My mother refuses all external support offered to her she is seriously sick and qualifies for social work support but won’t take it so falls on me. Dh and I have just drifted apart for a long while I have seen it happening. He comes in from work sits down and goes on his phone or puts his AirPods in and may as well not be here. He just seems so unhappy.
I can’t lie I feel so trapped and miserable right now. I just want my life back and my husband. It’s not his fault I’m being pulled in so many directions he has just had enough we barely spend any time together anymore and are always wAiting on the next drama happening with my mum. He literally seems
To look right through me now. I am so bloody lonely it hurts

OP posts:
Original poster
Passthebubbly · 12/01/2020 21:15

As for the sex ... it’s not me not giving it it’s me having to practically beg for it he seems to have no interest and I am sure if I never asked he would be happy. I give up now

OP posts:
Livandme · 12/01/2020 21:23

I totally understand your situation op.
So much so in that h and I are separating. He's moving out this week.
I've had 18 months of one thing after another and we have become more and more distant. I have tried talking and explaining how I feel but got nowhere, h I'd not a talker.
I think it's a combination of lots of things for us but we are too far down to line to rectify it. We are both desperately unhappy
Resentment and disrespect have crept in.
Try and talk to your dh and see how he see things.

Welltroddenpath · 12/01/2020 21:24

No advice really apart from keep talking to him. Not about much, the news, work, anything. Then try to see if he will work on some things like date nights, taking his air pods out at least certain times of the day. The new maybe you might feel more able to be honest about your feelings if he can show willing on the above.

But you should come first. No one wants to feel invisible. Your worth more than that