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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When you know it gone on his side

53 replies

Passthebubbly · 12/01/2020 19:21

I just know, 20 years together. 2 kids, great life, some hardships on my side with sick parents but in the whole we have been a team.
This last year I feel he has become more and more distant from me. AirPods in if he is at home and where he is physically present he is not actually present. He just shows no interest anymore and the kisses and cuddles at start and end of day have stopped. Sex would it happen if I did not attempt it. Feeling so sad and just don’t know how to get the spark back or make him see me again

OP posts:
Original poster
Passthebubbly · 12/01/2020 21:25

I’m so sorry to hear that liv. We sound so similar and I’m just terrified as to what happens next. My heart goes out to you x

OP posts:
mamato3lads · 12/01/2020 21:28

Dont give up OP. Yes it seems like a mountain that's too hard to climb right now but trust me it isn't. I'm in a very very similar position ... my mum is disabled and a takes a huge amount of my time. I have 3 DC and a husband that drifts off to nowhere land unless I pull him back. We talk a lot. It's not always been like this. Bad couple of years in an 18 year relationship. We talk...talk...talk...talk. if he shuts me out I am so lonely ....so I no longer tolerate it. A lot or the time he doesn't even realise hes doing it....he thinks hes just letting me get on while hes chilling and I'm thinking hes switched off completely. You need a good chat with this man of yours...TELL HIM what you've told us. It's a start. Flowers

Original poster
Passthebubbly · 12/01/2020 21:29

Thank you well trodden you are so right. In all honestly this has went on for years now. We talked it got better.... external things got worse.... in the end things between us to ke are worse than ever. He just never seems to want to be here but when I talk to him he denies it. In reality he is bloody addicted to his phone, AirPods, iPad anything but me and the kids. It’s not just us we will go to his mums and sit down to chat and he will go on his phone. It’s just the rudeness of it and how a phone seems more important than us.

OP posts:
mamato3lads · 12/01/2020 21:32

Men and their fucking gadgets.

Pull him up. Every time. Actually say Get off your phone mate....you're doing it again!

just a thought....have you got free access to his phone ? Can you see what hes doing that's so damn distracting??

Original poster
Passthebubbly · 12/01/2020 21:33

Thank you mamato3lads, I have spoke to him so many times. I just am unlucky in that both my parents have had severe long term conditions over past 12 years, my dad is now dead and I’m still struggling with grief but the month he died my mum got even more sick and is now very dependent on me and won’t accept social work help. I am really struggling to cope big big time now and my dh seems sick of it and in all honesty pissed off with listening to me and I don’t blame him. Just feel like I am a drain on everyone my kids and husband would be happier if I just left I am sure but I am trying my best I truly am. Just can’t cope anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
Passthebubbly · 12/01/2020 21:35

No mama he always has it in hand even in the toilet - I genuinely believe he had a phone addiction he never puts it down even when driving he is on it scares the shit out of me

OP posts:
mamato3lads · 12/01/2020 21:39

Oh sweetheart. Our situations are so similar it's scary. My dad died too...mum got sicker....she actually lives with us now.

It had a massive impact on our family dynamic, its chaotic here anyway because of the kids, dogs etc and DH just cant cope. He works A LOT so is tired.....I dont work....but that's literally all he does. Work. Home. Moan at the kids. Eat. Bed. I feel so lonely sometimes its desperate . I went for months and months feeling like this...endless chats....he changes for a bit...few token gestures chucked in....then back to his phone and disengaging from us. I just kept on at him. On and on and on. Even this morning. He is slowly changing...very slowly....but he has an awareness now. It's taken nearly a year to get through to him. But I had to.

Does your DH work a lot ?

mamato3lads · 12/01/2020 21:41

By the way

When I checked DH phone last year I found a lot of porn. It broke my heart. Just another example of lazy behaviour....rather have a wank then bother with the hassle of sex. Even when I'm in good shape and he tells me I'm so beautiful, so sexy, love of his life etc.

Check his phone.

wasnotwasweregood · 12/01/2020 21:45

I'm so sorry OP, I have just watched my parents go through this situation with my grandmother until she passed in November. The thing is you can't be all things to all people. To be blunt in the end my Dad had to insist that my grandmother get some external carers as he just couldn't call by twice a day every day.

You have youngish children to care for and yes your beautiful, important own life to attend to too. You cannot and shouldn't try to do it all yourself. Is your OH doing his bit with the children? Does he know how much you need him?

I know it sounds harsh but it may be you have to insist that your mother has some external help, particularly if she qualifies for it from social care. You can't run on empty forever, it's not a matter of you being a loving daughter either, think of it as being like the advice they give you when you get on a plane. Get your own oxygen mask on first as you'll then be in a better position to help others around you.

All the best to you Flowers

seriouslystressedoutmama · 12/01/2020 22:01

He might be using the phone to fill a void, I do it sometimes without even realising. And it's because there's other stuff going on at home and I just go on my phone to kinda mentally check out.

Is it impossible for you guys to catch a wknd away together?

Does he help with the kids or has he checked out of parenting too?

Have ye thought about couples counselling?

It sounds like you've got it really tough at the moment op you're holding the fort for everyone but no one is holding you.

Timeandtune · 12/01/2020 22:02

Have you told her mum the effect that she is having on you? Perhaps she doesn’t realise. I think it you got her to accept external care that would free you up mentally and physically and you might feel in a better position to look at your other problems.

ConfCall · 12/01/2020 22:16

You need to be more robust with your mother. Explain that you won’t be able to provide regular care because you have too much on your plate, and that you’ll arrange social care or she can sort something out herself if she prefers. You can’t have her holding you to ransom to the detriment of your own life. Don’t be a martyr.

Guitarlessons · 12/01/2020 22:17

I’m sorry and I know this sounds harsh but you need to have a frank and honest discussion with your mum. I know I’ve been there. My mum was very sick and refused all outside care. Eventually I couldn’t cope anymore and I sat down and told her I would only be down at certain times on certain day’s and she would either need to fend for herself on the days I wasn’t down or accept outside help.

I’m sorry but you have a life of your own, and your kids need you and your DH, you both have a home to run. Do you also work?
You are only one person. You need to be honest with your mum and tell your husband how you feel, maybe he feels he can’t talk to you, maybe he is hurting just as much as you. If he says he doesn’t want it to work, then at least you will know (as heartbreaking as it will be ).

Big hugs to you, I have been where you are now xx

Guitarlessons · 12/01/2020 22:19

Can I just ask when he is on his phone/iPad what is he doing/watching?

Original poster
Passthebubbly · 12/01/2020 22:22

Mamato3lads I think we may be the same person though I only have 2, 3 if you include dh Smile

So many important points made above, I can’t and don’t want to get near his phone. I do think he is just actually addicted to the bloody thing.

My mum... classic narcissist,she cared for my sick father for the 12 years before he passed away, she too was sick but got even worse in the last month of his life and now he is gone has a much worse state of life. She refuses all help from social
Services refuses to have them in the house. Her best friend of 42 years has walked away and I don’t blame her: in all honesty all she has is me. Dh and I have a business together and I think he resents how much time I now have to spend helping my mum. In all honesty work is his focus but it is our living through there appears to be little time for our kids either.

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Original poster
Passthebubbly · 12/01/2020 22:25

@Guitarlessons thank you. Can I ask how things worked out? I feel like I’m in quicksand it’s the best description I can give. As to what he is looking at I have no idea

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Momentumneeded · 12/01/2020 22:32

Just wanted to say you are not alone and it's not you. 💐 sending you a hug. So many similarities in your post to my marriage. Years of feeling unimportant, unsupported emotionally or practically and so lonely. And yes, utterly desperate for touch, affection and intimacy. It undermines your confidence massively.

Sad to say but I would very much try and check his phone if you get chance. I did and found all sorts of stuff. That really hurt - he would repeatedly reject me but was actively seeking it elsewhere. It was a massive wake up call. It was clear he didn't love me and I was just facilitating his family life. He said as much and expected me to settle for that. although I'm grieving so much for what I feel he's thrown away my head is ruling my heart and the divorce is well under way.

My point is you sound lovely, just overburdened and under supported/ appreciated. Hope you can get some support. A weekly session with a counsellor can really help give you clarity and a much needed outlet. If you do separate though, only do it when you are ready and feeling strong because it definitely gets worse before it gets better and you sound like you have so much on your plate already. You are doing brilliantly supporting your kids and your Mum. Be gentle with yourself.

mamato3lads · 12/01/2020 22:40

OP you may not want to look at his phone / internet history but that's the thing that's taking all his time and attention away from you. I'm sorry to say I think if you did check you may find a few answers or at least some ammunition for a chat with him with facts that he cannot deny

Yes you need to be more forceful with your mum. Refusing social help is selfish. Dont accept this. But DH should support you on this, not make it harder x

Original poster
Passthebubbly · 12/01/2020 22:42

@Momentumneeded my heart goes out to you, you have honestly hit the nail on the head with how I am feeling. So sorry for what you have gone through. I don’t think I want or could even get near his phone.

I may be naive but I don’t think he is cheating. I think he may have an interest but I dont think he would do it to me or the kids. I just don’t think he wants me anymore. I am miserable and have no energy to put Into our business so he does it all though I do work there day to day

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Original poster
Passthebubbly · 12/01/2020 22:45

Ok so do we think I need to be worried that he fancies his phone more than me

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glitterfarts · 12/01/2020 22:59

You don't have to help your Mum and I'd suggest you CAN'T without throwing away your marriage. Your kids are coming to a tricky age.

Put your family first. Visit your Mum weekly. Tell her you want to be her daughter not her carer. She won't care if it costs you your marriage or kids or sanity as long as she gets her own way. You have too much else on. You're too far away. You are at breaking point. Do you want that point to be your Mum accepting care from others or your marriage?

Zzzz19 · 12/01/2020 23:04

I think you need to be worried that he has completely checked out and when this has happened to me in past relationships (I am make) then it was done. It couldn’t be switched back. The more you type, the more I see some of my own behaviours in a couple
of my relationships.

This other woman thing is a red herring too. A lot of people say men don’t leave until they have another woman lined up. This may be true but it is almost always because they were very unhappy in the first place. I don’t think your husband has another woman from what you have said so far but I will bet money he is extremely unhappy and has checked out emotionally. He may just be tolerating things for the children as many people do.

You need to speak to him about this however painful the answers may be.

If I’m wrong then at least you have a glimmer and something to work with.

Onalake · 13/01/2020 01:34

Bless you op, your situation sounds just like mine a few years ago.

Managed to drag OH to the doctors to rule out anything untoward - both he and I thought depression - turned out his testosterone levels were really low. He now has a three monthly injection to rectify this, and it was like having my old OH back :)

Might be worth suggesting this to him annd getting his testosterone levels tested.

Momentumneeded · 13/01/2020 08:34

I think the thing is - when someone passively/ unilaterally 'checks out' of a marriage without trying to 'fix' it (or themselves, eg through counselling) they unconsciously apportion blame to the other person to justify it. When they attach blame - (s/he) doesn't put me first, doesn't look after him/herself, isn't the carefree, fun person I married - then that loss of commitment/loyalty/ partnership plus the convenient dialogue about blame means they can justify much more selfish behaviour. So even if it's not a full blown affair, they will be looking outside the marriage for an ego boost in some form or the other and opportunities, which in the past might have been actively ignored, are now fair game as they are 'justified'. Meanwhile the other spouse is trying to juggle kids/ work/ aged parents and feeling increasingly self critical and crap without any support or love but clinging onto the hope that 'things will get better' and throughout focusing on resolving things in themselves or within the marriage. It creates a very uneven and unfair playing field.

If you can still communicate and feel you are a team, regardless of kids/ work/ family then there is hope. If not I think it's very difficult to get that back without both spouses fully committed to working on it.

Guitarlessons · 13/01/2020 09:52

My mum eventually had to take outside help, she reluctantly did it and complained constantly about it but I would turn ignore her when she did this, she even turned on the tears. Things got better between my husband and I. My mum died last year and I loved her so much but I don’t regret taking a step back.

Speak to your husband find out what he is doing on his phone and speak to him xx

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