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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’m on the verge of having a breakdown and I need help

56 replies

desperateandsad · 12/01/2020 14:40

I am under a huge amount of pressure at work (my business) and at home. We have 2 DCs age 4 & 5.

I desperately need out of the relationship. We aren’t married. We are not compatible, we never have been sadly. I’ve had depression on and off for a long time, plus other health issues. I have told him many times that we need to split, but he won’t accept it. Everything is on my shoulders, he won’t take any of the blame, and he wants to make it known that I am the reason for splitting up the family, and for everything else that hasn’t worked out in our lives. It’s all my fault apparently.

He goes on and on and on, creating a horrendous atmosphere at home. This weekend was a prime example. I begged him to stop, to just be kind, even to just put on a front until Monday when the kids are at school. But he can’t. So it goes on and on, until I am at breaking point.

I can’t go on like this. He won’t go, and we have no money for him to do so anyway. If he were to go he said he wants a nice flat and enough money to kit it all out... but I can’t afford it. He doesn’t earn anything himself as he is meant to be going self employed, but hasn’t started yet. So again it comes down to me.

I am deeply ashamed I shouted at my DC today, and I had a meltdown essentially. They then left the house with their dad and I have been in bed since. Considered getting myself sectioned, but I honestly think I would be ok if he wasn’t here. I can’t think straight. I do know if this carries on I will have a breakdown. Please help me figure out what to do.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 12/01/2020 14:43

Who owns the home?

Original poster
desperateandsad · 12/01/2020 14:44

I own it

OP posts:
Original poster
desperateandsad · 12/01/2020 14:45

I don’t want it to get to the point where I am kicking him out. I’m not strong enough to deal with the fallout from that.

OP posts:
Fleetheart · 12/01/2020 14:46

I think if you have to end it you have to end it and deal with the fallout. Is there anyone you can talk to about this in RL? You need some support, it’s so hard to be going through this with young DCs

AutumnRose1 · 12/01/2020 14:47

Do not get yourself sectioned! You will be fine once rid of him.

You own the house. It’s the only way. Have you looked at the legalities?

AutumnRose1 · 12/01/2020 14:48

How does he get money btw?

Fleetheart · 12/01/2020 14:48

It is good that you are not married and that the house belongs to you. You can get out of this and it will improve. First things first, you need to work out a plan for you. You can’t do a plan for him that’s up to him.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/01/2020 14:48

You owning the home is excellent. I mean this as gently as possible, but you need to get up and pull yourself together. Get him out of the home TODAY. Call the police of he refuses to leave.

You have to ignore all the bullshit coming out of his mouth. It is just noise. He's trying to confuse you and intimidate you, and sadly you're allowing it. As for where he lives, that is not your problem. Think about how awful this environment is for your children. They are living in a battlefield

Get him out. Now. You will feel so much better for it.

Original poster
desperateandsad · 12/01/2020 14:50

This is the problem, and why I’ve been trying to end it for years and failed. I don’t have the strength to see it through. He knows this. It’s almost like he gets me to breaking point, watches me break, then steps in and ‘saves me’. Whether he does this on purpose or not I don’t even know. If I sound defeatist it’s probably because I’ve been here before, and wasn’t able to see it through.

OP posts:
Fleetheart · 12/01/2020 14:51

I don’t think you need to do it today- I can’t imagine how stressful that would be for everyone. But I do think it needs to be done

Fleetheart · 12/01/2020 14:51

You do have the strength and this is why you need some RL support. It’s a hard thing to do!!

Aquamarine1029 · 12/01/2020 14:52

I don’t want it to get to the point where I am kicking him out. I’m not strong enough to deal with the fallout from that.

You are already at that point. He will never leave on his own and all he is doing is manipulating you. Ffs, you ARE strong enough. It's much harder to live the way you are now than to kick the twat out. Stop making excuses and just get on with it.

Mostlyhappy4 · 12/01/2020 14:52

Absolutely do not get yourself sectioned. He has to move out - he's an adult, he will have to get a job (claim benefits in the first place). The fallout will almost not be as bad as you are imagined ng or as bad as things currently are. You need him to leave in order to be okay. Are you on anti-depressants? If not , can you get to your GP tomorrow and ask for some? They will give you some mental stability and cushion the impact of the stress for you. I know it's hard but essentially you need space and if he is bullying and shouting at you to the point where you are cowering in bed and considering being sectioned, then he needs to be removed as that sounds abusive.

Mesmeri · 12/01/2020 14:54

I don't have any practical experience of this, but I don't want to read and run.

I know you say you can't deal with the fallout, but I think ultimately that will be much easier and more rewarding to deal with than the situation that you are currently in. And, as you say, your mental and emotional health will improve beyond recognition. You owe it yourself and your children to get him out.

You need to start working on this now. Don't say anything to him yet, but get some proper advice. If it was me, I would start by calling women's aid to ask for advice. Also ask for help from your friends or family if you can.

Good luck, and much love.

ohwheniknow · 12/01/2020 14:54

You're not mentally ill, you're being abused.

It's your home, he leaves. If he kicks off you call the police.

You do not have to pay for him to get a flat nor to furnish it.

If you don't feel strong enough to do it for yourself, do you feel strong enough to do it for the good of your children?

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247
Freedom Programme www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

lorettalemon · 12/01/2020 14:54

I think you'll be very surprised how much your MH improves once you're away from him.
My STBXH abusive behaviour had me such a gibbering wreck I felt like I had flu all the time and was too weak or tired to get out of bed for months and having panic attacks daily. I somehow got the courage to kick him out (it was my house and he was living off me) and I'm myself again now.
You might need help to do this, but you can have a normal life again on the other side of it. It's not as difficult as it will seem right now

Sicario · 12/01/2020 14:56

Holy shit, OP. I have been right where you are. It's awful. He is waiting for you to break. Please get in touch with Women's Aid. In the meantime, just try to hold tight. You can get out of this.

He is abusive. If you feel threatened call the police -999 - not the non emergency number, and get him out of your house.

trackrBird · 12/01/2020 14:56

You must talk to someone. It sounds like you are used to doing everything yourself - business, family, home. It’s time to let others step up for you.

You must call someone, if only to talk to, or to get them to get help for you. You cannot run everything, and help yourself as well, single handed.

ohwheniknow · 12/01/2020 14:57

He does do that on purpose.

You know that's what he's doing. You didn't the first time. You still probably weren't sure the second time. Now you know.

So you cut him off. You don't have to keep going along with him.

And seriously, this is not what saving someone looks like.

It's time for you to save yourself.

Levatrice · 12/01/2020 14:57

Can you get family members or friends round to support you today? I think it would help to keep you strong while you do the right thing of making him leave. Good luck you can do this

Original poster
desperateandsad · 12/01/2020 14:58

Ok, I need a concrete plan of how I am going to manage from this point to getting him out, and then dealing with the DCs, the house and my business without falling apart. I have my mum nearby and she would help me so that’s something.

I’m not on anti depressants no. I’ve always worried about the side effects. Sounds silly I know. My mum went through a terrible time with them and it scared me off I think.

My eldest will be distraught if he’s not here, she’s so so close to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
desperateandsad · 12/01/2020 15:00

Thank you so much for all the replies, I’m feeling less alone now, thank you.

OP posts:
velocitygirl7 · 12/01/2020 15:02

You are not unwell, you are living with an abuser.
It's excellent news that you're not married and that you own your home. In your shoes I'd get the locks changed and then give him an opportunity to collect his belongings when you have someone with you (could your dc go somewhere else while this happens?)
Stay strong op Thanks

velocitygirl7 · 12/01/2020 15:03

And to echo others, do not hesitate to call the police if you feel scared or threatened

Weffiepops · 12/01/2020 15:04

This is close to my situation, I've been with partner for 6yrs, I've been asking him to leave for a year now but he won't as he says he wants £15k for all the work he's done to my property. I am also suffering with depression because I just want him gone. You can force his hand by getting the police to escort him off the property and change your locks. Like me you're probably too soft to make someone homeless. I text him yesterday while he was at work telling him enough is enough and he has to move out. But he just says he can't afford it. Thanks