I’m on the verge of having a breakdown and I need help

[desperateandsad]

I am under a huge amount of pressure at work (my business) and at home. We have 2 DCs age 4 & 5.

I desperately need out of the relationship. We aren’t married. We are not compatible, we never have been sadly. I’ve had depression on and off for a long time, plus other health issues. I have told him many times that we need to split, but he won’t accept it. Everything is on my shoulders, he won’t take any of the blame, and he wants to make it known that I am the reason for splitting up the family, and for everything else that hasn’t worked out in our lives. It’s all my fault apparently.

He goes on and on and on, creating a horrendous atmosphere at home. This weekend was a prime example. I begged him to stop, to just be kind, even to just put on a front until Monday when the kids are at school. But he can’t. So it goes on and on, until I am at breaking point.

I can’t go on like this. He won’t go, and we have no money for him to do so anyway. If he were to go he said he wants a nice flat and enough money to kit it all out... but I can’t afford it. He doesn’t earn anything himself as he is meant to be going self employed, but hasn’t started yet. So again it comes down to me.

I am deeply ashamed I shouted at my DC today, and I had a meltdown essentially. They then left the house with their dad and I have been in bed since. Considered getting myself sectioned, but I honestly think I would be ok if he wasn’t here. I can’t think straight. I do know if this carries on I will have a breakdown. Please help me figure out what to do.

Start with your mum if you trust her for support: give her a ring and talk for a while, it will help you think about next steps. Somehow things get clearer if you talk.

She will want to help. Or try someone else, if you think they will be better. But do try to talk to someone, and soon.

Break it down and focus on one thing at a time otherwise it will feel completely overwhelming. Your no.1 priority right now should be getting him out of your home. You are not responsible for him, he is an adult who is quite capable of looking after himself, he just chooses not to.

If you want to talk to someone, the National Domestic Abuse Hotline is open 24/7:

0808 2000 247

“ You can force his hand by getting the police to escort him off the property and change your locks”

If this is the legal bit then do it.

He’s an adult, he will sort his shit out.

OP you talk about him rescuing you
From what? Negative feelings? I have depression and anxiety, though I am medicated.

He is not rescuing you, he’s offering you a temporary anaesthetic. It isn’t one you can take permanently.

If you already feel ill, it’s actually a good time to start on meds because you aren’t spoiling a period of good health with weird side effects. I learned that the hard way because I kept trying to cone off them. Now just on them forever probably.

You can honestly have a much better life if you clear the hurdle of getting him out.

Write him a letter / email / text and tell him that as of today his 1 month notice begins to vacate your property. He must vacate on or before 12th February 2020 or you will contact the police and have him forceably removed.

Ive been there OP. Except when i finally snapped and called the police to help turf him out of MY home he managed to fob them off that he had paid me rent to cover the next few weeks. He hadnt, he had been living off me and had paid towards a debt he owed but i couldnt prove that on the spot so the police said he had to stay for a month until the "rent" he had paid had expired. It was awful. But i got there. I put his things on the front lawn and changed the locks on the day the police agreed he should leave. I notified him his stuff was on the lawn and to collect, put a sheet over it, then had it collected by the council 5 days later when he didnt show to get it.

You are strong, you can do this, but do it the right way!

Has anyone else felt like the kids will never get over it? I’m so worried about that. It breaks my heart thinking about telling them. But equally I don’t want them to see me as this shell of a person.

I just phoned my mum and she told me she will support me every step of the way. She said he’s a bully.

I will try to phone an abuse helpline now.

They’ve just come home so I’ll have to try tomorrow.

Getting someone to leave isn't that easy.

Start by setting a date for him to move out by. Tell him you are changing the locks on this date. Then speak to his family and yours explaining he will be moving out by that date. Do not waiver on this, always speak of this date as a fact. Do not allow him to change your mind, he'll probably love bomb you, but keep to the fact that he'll be out by x date. Announce to friends and colleagues too that he will be leaving by x date. Stay strong x

I was in a similar situation in the 1970's, only I was 5,000 miles from home - no family here, just my 4 yr old.

He threatened to take our son and have me deported if I left him. I went to see a lawyer and she told me my rights. WOW She changed my life in 30 minutes of free consulting.

I explained my rights to my husband and he decided we would work as a team to separated. This was after he went berserk for several days btw.

Your children will not miss him being in the home because they will get a brand new happy mum. Trust me on this.

The kids will get over it; they will see a happier mum who is not always on eggshells. It will be difficult but if you have support you will keep on going. Well done for speaking to your mum

Can you call you mum and ask her to be there when you ask him to leave. She doesn't have to be in the same room when you have the discussion but perhaps for moral support and to support you afterwards.

You can find your local mental health crisis team here: www.nhs.uk/service-search/other-services/Crisis-support/LocationSearch/329 There may be a 24 hour number you can call for advice and support or, dial 101. You can also call the Samaritans: 116 113 at any time to talk. I suggest you make an emergency appointment with your GP to discuss how you feel.

Here's the CABx guide to leaving a relationship: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/ending-a-relationship/

You can take at look at the Gingerbread website for information on child contact, maintenance, benefits etc and they also have a free helpline: www.gingerbread.org.uk/

I think getting your mental health sorted is the the first step OP. You sound very fragile. Make an GP appointment as soon as you can.

He sounds a total bastard, whose done a number on you.

See a solicitor who specialises in family law - you may see you have lots of options, really.

As Prev says it can be life-changing. Knowledge is nearly always power.

Your kids will be absolutely fine.

I need a concrete plan of how I am going to manage from this point to getting him out, and then dealing with the DCs, the house and my business without falling apart.

Break it down.

Phase one is coping while you plan.

Phase two is getting him out and securing your home.

Phase three is managing the adjustment and grieving period (this has been familiar for so long and you had already these dreams of how it would turn out - it's natural to grieve for that but does not mean you've made a mistake)

Phase four is focusing on everyday living again.

Phase five is moving forwards into a brighter future.

It's great that you've confided in your mum and have her support. That was a huge brave step.

I don't think there's anyone who doesn't panic about how their children will cope. You need to focus on why you're doing this, what you're safeguarding them from, and the future you want to be able to build for them and their future wellbeing.

The book that goes with the Freedom Programme course is called Living with the Dominator. I am pretty sure you can get the kindle version on amazon. The chapter on how children are affected covers how they can heal and the benefits to them of the abuser being removed. I wonder if it would help you to look at that even if you don't feel ready to do the whole course?

This is in their long term best interests.

Keep telling yourself that. Like you they'll have difficult emotions while they adjust, but that is temporary and it is for their benefit in the long run. It breaks the cycle so they don't end up in a relationship like this as adults or deeply traumatised.

I hope you manage to speak to Women's Aid the next time you have free safe time to call. Hopefully they can help you with safety and practical planning.

Good luck.

Your kids will get over it I promise you! I guarantee he will try and use them to guilt you into letting him stay, he will try every trick in the book so be prepared for it.

But you can do this! You will be happy again, your mind will be calm, the atmosphere in the house will be peaceful. And your DCs will thrive when they have a mum who is happy.

Phone Women’s Aid for practical advice.

You think your children won't ever get over something that happens to thousands of kids around the world every day - their parent's seperating, yet you think that seeing their mother in a state every day, suicidal and then opting for a voluntary section and leaving them for weeks on end WON'T bother them?

You being happy, being a steady presence in their life and them having a stable home life with adult they can look up to and aspire to be like in adulthood will affect them a lot less than this shit-storm of a home life.

You CAN cope with throwing him out. It's just easier for you not to. Don't be a martyr. You can absolutely make him leave if it is not his house. Do it and show your children there is a better life to be had than this one.

Right... Write a list and stick to it. As it's your home do you have something in writing? I have a legal agreement t with Dp, like a rental agreement with specifies what happens if we split and that he has paid no contribution to Repairs or the mortgage (which he hasn't).
Treat it like removing a housemate. Give him, if your able 28 days notice in wroting - an email counts. State he is entitled to x... Eg the bed or a sofa etc etc or x sum from joint account.
Then enforce it. If he won't leave on x date, call the police and mean it. Remove him. Change locks and move on.
He is an adult and has a month to sort himself out and find somewhere new. It's fair and your within yihr rights. Plus you look extreamly reasonable of he tries anything!

How long has dp lived in your house op? 10 years? You have 2 x dc, 4 and 5. So he's been there at least 5 years?

So he'll have contributed? To the mortgage etc? Although the house belongs to you?
Won't his solicitor say he has a claim? And on your business ? That he's supported the family whilst you worked?

So how can the op just tell him to be out by .... 28th feb.... and change the locks?

That’s why she needs legal advice

She can if she has a legal agreement in place regarding ownership.
The legal advice can come after, hence why she needs to be reasonable and give reasonable notice. Same as you would for a tenant. You can't just kick anyone out of a home, reasonable notice is required.
Go get some advice and serve notice.

Occupation order.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/domestic-violence-injunctions/

I'm so sorry, OP.

You own the house. You're not married. You are not responsible for this man. Yes, the kids will be upset, but they need a functioning mother.

Call Women's Aid for help. Get a plan in place, and then follow through with it. He will kick and scream and try and manipulate you, but you have to be strong--speak to your mum, come on here, go to the GP ... get whatever support you can.

I’m going to speak to him tonight to try and come to a reasonable agreement. If he refuses to hear me, or turns nasty, then I will seek legal advice ASAP.

Generally when I speak to him he doesn’t want to accept that we can’t continue as we are, even though I’m clearly so desperately unhappy. He thinks I’m not of sound mind when I say I don’t love him, and that it’s all come out of the blue. He always acts shocked, lots of tears, asks me what he’s meant to do (financially). Then turns it all around on me, accuses me of having another man, of planning it all along, of being callous, deranged, unstable, etc. It’s hard to listen to. Is this a script? I’ll brace myself for it again tonight.

I will definitely be getting a plan in place and like the idea of sorting it in to phases. I guess I just want to give it one last chance as having an amicable split. If not, I will be getting as much advice and support as I can (especially on here re support). Then I will find all of my strength (it must be there deep down somewhere) and break free from him.