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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner cheated whilst ‘on a break’

57 replies

Savannah80 · 12/01/2020 06:27

Hello. This is my first post on here, I’d hoped to get some impartial advice as I’m currently confused and upset.

I split with my DS’s father before he was born (2 years ago) He left me whilst pregnant as he’d been having relationships with two other women (one was a colleague and one was the mother of a secret daughter I’d known nothing about). At the time he’d claimed he was depressed and it actually took 18 months for the truth to come out. Before and after the split he’d been an incredibly manipulative and cruel person - not coming home for days on end, not inviting me to family events, accusing me of cheating on him, telling me ‘no pregnant woman looks attractive’ when I asked what he thought of a new maternity dress I’d bought, cancelling our ‘baby moon’ last minute, not turning up on my bday - just generally making my life miserable. He was a narcissist in the truest sense of the word. In short, it was an incredibly painful time in my life, only made bearable by the joy my son has brought into it - whom he’s seen a handful of times because my God did I try to coparent with the freak.

Cut to today and I’ve relocated 300 miles away. Fresh start, closer to my family, bought myself and my son a house, new job and generally much happier - I thought maybe it’s time to meet someone new. I vowed to myself that I would not be treated badly again.

Sooo after a few questionable dates (one of which turned up with fresh FACE tattoos) I meet a new guy online, older than me (I’m 32, he’s 36), no kids, decent job, very caring, great with my son, patient and helpful during the tantrums (Grin) and I think, ‘I’ve landed on my feet here’. Things were going great for a few weeks and then he became too demanding of my time (the complete opposite problem of what I had with my ex!). I work full time and also freelance occasionally so I needed some downtime and I just wasn’t getting it. We decide to take a break. In the space of a TWO WEEK break he’s managed to meet someone else, date her three times, sleep with her, and then realise he’s in love with me and wants to make it work. I’m gutted at everything - the fact he was able to move on so quickly, that he slept with her a few days after being with me. The fact she’s been in his bed. What do I do? Do I give him another chance on the technicality that we were on a break, or do I get rid....thanks if you’ve read this far.

OP posts:
Shmithecat2 · 12/01/2020 06:31

Christ, NO! Don't give him a second thought, let alone chance! Move on. And think about how soon you introduce your son to new partners in the future.

ubersuper · 12/01/2020 06:32

Get rid! You weren’t happy with him anyway and he’s just proved how flakey he is!

newyearoldme · 12/01/2020 06:32

Sounds like you're better off without him. Why did you introduce him to your DS so soon anyway? Am sure others will be in here with far better advice shortly but google Freedom Programme, please.

Notquiteagandt · 12/01/2020 06:38

I would not refer to someone youve being dating a few weeks as a partner.

Also surely this should be the honeymoon period? The first few years.

Original poster
Savannah80 · 12/01/2020 06:38

Edited to say we were seeing each other for 5 months, met DS after 4, and only a handful of times, which I feel was about right for a child his age - DS wouldn’t notice if he never laid eyes on him again!

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 12/01/2020 06:51

Nope do not give him another chance at all. Block, delete, move on now.

You split with him because it wasn't working. He was too demanding. Let's think did he work on himself during the break? NOPE.

Did he act like he was devisted and missing you? NOPE

Has he changed or acted for the better? NOPE

So tell me again why you would want him back?

Mumdiva99 · 12/01/2020 06:52

Sorry devisted should read devastated (I'm still not sure if that is spelled right.)

ScabbyBabby · 12/01/2020 07:00

I’d ditch and well done for being so strong, you sound like a great mum.

moderate · 12/01/2020 07:01

It doesn't really matter whether he technically cheated or not. He's chasing more intensity than you can provide.

Sumsuch · 12/01/2020 07:07

Meeting someone so quickly suggests he can't be alone - which, to be fair, is kinda what was wrong when you were with him.

Or, he had this other woman ticking over in the background , and she didn't work out.

Either way, he doesn't sound like he's got his shit together

Ouchaheadinmybehind · 12/01/2020 07:08

You are well rid of him. Move on. Flowers

newmumwithquestions · 12/01/2020 07:12

Against the flow here but if you weren’t together then its up to him what he did. It’s not cheating. You can not like it, but if you trust him not to see this person again then does it matter?

He’s obviously been honest to tell you rather than lie and cover it up. Do you think he would cheat on you now? If not then I’d get past it.

But as others have said he needs to respect your desire for some space whilst in a relationship with him. Will he give you this?

StealthPolarBear · 12/01/2020 07:18

You'd been together five months. It shouldn't be this difficult. If it is, move on.

Heismyopendoor · 12/01/2020 07:19

You need to remember the reasons that you asked for a break in the first place. They haven’t magically gone away just because he’s said he’s so in love with you.

Then add in the fact that he’s been with another woman whilst I’d imagine you thought he would be spending a little time reflecting on himself.

You deserve a lot better and the fact you are considering taking him back shows that you don’t know your worth.

Confused866 · 12/01/2020 07:27

It depends really how you feel about him - he says he’s in love with you, are you in love with him? If yes and you think he is a good person in general then I wouldn’t write him off just because of this. It might have just been a rebound because he was hurt that you were backing off and wanted a break? He wouldn’t be the first person to try and make themselves feel better by getting some attention elsewhere. Sometimes though doing that is what makes you realise how much you love the person you were trying to forget. It’s your call and depends whether you’d still trust him (although he didn’t HAVE to tell you about this woman so he sounds quite honest?) but I wouldn’t throw it all away if you love him and believe that he loves you. People on here can be very black and white and harsh, we are all only human and humans make mistakes sometimes.

Namechanged1010 · 12/01/2020 07:37

He isn't in love with you after 5 months. In love with shagging you and others is more likely.

Sad you need to ask but get rid

Original poster
Savannah80 · 12/01/2020 07:38

Thank you Confused866. I was falling in love with him, I just wanted to take things really slowly after the traumas of my ex. I thought a break might help us see clearly, I wasn’t expecting him to do that - but I was also so so shocked that he confessed because I’m used to the pathological lying ways of my ex.

OP posts:
Original poster
Savannah80 · 12/01/2020 07:39

Whether he is in love with me or not, I personally think you can fall in love with someone after five months.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 12/01/2020 07:41

God no, get rid of him. Shudder.

LazyDaisey · 12/01/2020 07:51

So in that case tell him, “ok.” But you still want some space apart and since he is in love with you, you expect him to wait and not date anyone else while he gives you space. And then when and if you do restart, you want to take things slower.

See how he reacts. Not just words but actions. I think previous poster was right and he can’t be alone. He might “wait” for a week or two and then expect to get back together and intensify the relationship because he’s declared his love. Which is the opposite of what you wanted.

Also, I don’t think you’re in love. You wouldn’t be pulling back from him and feel like you needed time to yourself if you were falling for him. One of the signs of the being in love feeling is you just can’t get enough of the other person’s company.

LolaSmiles · 12/01/2020 07:55

Sorry to hear about your experiences with your ex.

However dating someone a few months and then splitting up for a while, however short, means that they were free to do what they like.

It doesn't mean their actions can't hurt and it sounds like you're better off without them, but if two people are broken up then neither have claim on the other.

It's a lot of drama and hurt in 5 months though. Is he worth it?

saraclara · 12/01/2020 07:55

Slight detour here, but how can anyone say that one can't be in love after five months?
That's nuts.

BaolFan · 12/01/2020 07:55

JFC, so after 5 months of dating you ask for a bit of a pause because things are moving so quickly, and the first thing he does is fuck someone else?

Ditch. If his ego is so fragile that he cannot cope without female attention for a short period of time, then he has bigger problems to sort out.

Isbutteracarb · 12/01/2020 07:58

Ditch! You'll meet someone better.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 12/01/2020 08:01

What does 'on a break' mean to of you? It sounds like you expect him to sit and wait for you, he seems to interpret it as 'it's over' and moves on albeit coming back now to say the grass isn't greener.

I'm with him, by the way. It sounds like a lame break up line. You need to decide what you want then clearly communicate it to him. You can't expect him to sit around forever. Also if it's not working 5 months in and you need a break then I suggest this doesn't have legs.

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