Partner cheated whilst ‘on a break’

[Savannah80]

Hello. This is my first post on here, I’d hoped to get some impartial advice as I’m currently confused and upset.

I split with my DS’s father before he was born (2 years ago) He left me whilst pregnant as he’d been having relationships with two other women (one was a colleague and one was the mother of a secret daughter I’d known nothing about). At the time he’d claimed he was depressed and it actually took 18 months for the truth to come out. Before and after the split he’d been an incredibly manipulative and cruel person - not coming home for days on end, not inviting me to family events, accusing me of cheating on him, telling me ‘no pregnant woman looks attractive’ when I asked what he thought of a new maternity dress I’d bought, cancelling our ‘baby moon’ last minute, not turning up on my bday - just generally making my life miserable. He was a narcissist in the truest sense of the word. In short, it was an incredibly painful time in my life, only made bearable by the joy my son has brought into it - whom he’s seen a handful of times because my God did I try to coparent with the freak.

Cut to today and I’ve relocated 300 miles away. Fresh start, closer to my family, bought myself and my son a house, new job and generally much happier - I thought maybe it’s time to meet someone new. I vowed to myself that I would not be treated badly again.

Sooo after a few questionable dates (one of which turned up with fresh FACE tattoos) I meet a new guy online, older than me (I’m 32, he’s 36), no kids, decent job, very caring, great with my son, patient and helpful during the tantrums () and I think, ‘I’ve landed on my feet here’. Things were going great for a few weeks and then he became too demanding of my time (the complete opposite problem of what I had with my ex!). I work full time and also freelance occasionally so I needed some downtime and I just wasn’t getting it. We decide to take a break. In the space of a TWO WEEK break he’s managed to meet someone else, date her three times, sleep with her, and then realise he’s in love with me and wants to make it work. I’m gutted at everything - the fact he was able to move on so quickly, that he slept with her a few days after being with me. The fact she’s been in his bed. What do I do? Do I give him another chance on the technicality that we were on a break, or do I get rid....thanks if you’ve read this far.

He’s another box of frogs that you really don’t want to open.

Get rid! While it's easy!

You can't afford another bad 'un. Get rid.

Don’t really see the problem here. You decided to end it, whatever ‘taking a break’ means. You’re playing games and stringing him along, expecting him to wait happily. He was well within his rights to find confidence elsewhere, that he is still into you should be taken as a compliment. Here’s the thing. You mention him being settled with a good job, mentioned the ways ways he could be good for you but don’t say much on how you could be good for each other. If you were really that into him you would never have taken a break So there it is. You’re just gutted that he didn’t play along to the beat of your drum, but why should he? And by the way, your past dating history isn’t his or any other future partner’s problem.

I don’t think there was anything wrong with him sleeping with someone else while you were on a break. It’s none of anyone’s business what he does when he is single.
If you want to be with him then nows the time to sit down and talk about how you can both take your relationship forward. You’ll have to completely drop the fact he slept with someone else though or I think it will become a huge issue that will eventually push him away. X

Scrap him actions like that show a persons true colours

I'm sorry but you made your own bed here.

I agree that he did move on very quickly - that can happen for all sorts of different reasons.

But you basically shunned and rejected him. People aren't there to be messed about with while you 'dilly - dally' around not being sure what it is you want.

Do you really blame him? What do you expect to happen on the back of a rejection? He dealt with it in his own way.

The conditions of being on a break should have been made very clear....or you end up like Rachel and Ross.

Ditch.

Well did you "take a break" from each other or did you actually break up? Did you actually dump him?

If you dumped him, he would be hurt and he's then also a free agent. That's the risk of dumping someone - that they're more marketable than you expected and they start to move on without you.

I am with him too.
You seemed to want to have your cake and eat it.
And for you - on a break - meant he was supposed to sit around and wait for you to decide IF you wanted to continue a relationship.
Not fair on the other party, and very selfish.
If what you wanted - a slower relationship - then you could have asked to see each other less; less messaging, etc. Deal with the issue at hand as mature adults.

If a guy wanted to go on ‘a break’ with me - I’d interpret it as we are broken up.
And, moreover - I’d be just gone and not look back. No way I’d be waiting around for someone who says they are falling in love with me - but seem, in reality, not wanting to be in a relationship.

He did nothing wrong. And you need to find a way to deal with communicating your boundaries in a relationship without breaking up to do that.

Your title is wrong. He didn't cheat. You weren't together when he slept with the other woman. If you initiated the break (which is how it sounds) then for him to have turned to someone else, and that fling make him appreciate what he'd had with you even more, sounds entirely plausible to me. And the fact that he confessed it to you is also a plus, surely?

Remind yourself that he was single when he slept with her, and then look at him and your relationship without that shadow. Then decide whether to give things another try or not.

He couldnt even wait two weeks before sticking his cock in someone else!??

Thirsty as fuck.....get rid immediately.

Things were going great for a few weeks and then he became too demanding of my time

Go back to this as a starting point.

And how it came to be that ‘have a break’ was the solution to this. Was no other negotiation or communication successful?

After an abusive ex and a string of dodgy daters, how high or low is your threshold?

I think you were right to take it slow and want space.

You don’t have to commit yourself to the first decent-seeming person to declare love after a distressing history like yours.

Does he understand what love means? If he does he will listen to you, respect you and understand your need for time and space.

You was on a break therefore he was a single man, he didn't cheat on you.

The suggestion that he cheated means that you expected him to sit and wait until you decided what you want - you are wrong to expect him to do that.

I think you need to let him go.

You don't take a break from a relationship, if you need to it's over.
Concontrate on raising your child, stay away from useless men and when you meet a decent one wait at least 18 months before introducing him to the most important person in your life.
You don't need the men you seem to attract, but you do need to be a mother.

He hasn't done anything wrong. No harm in seeing where it goes if you really like him.

@Drabarni. This just seems like a silly comment. Her mothering capabilities aren’t under debate, the amount of time one should wait before introducing a child to a new partner is very subjective. 18 months is ages, almost draconian. And there’s nothing to suggest this current guy was useless. Just one big paragraph of generic clichés.

Hell no! Your Ex is not the only flavour of arsehole out there, unfortunately, there are many. Stop giving arseholes multiple chances.

He didn’t cheat
2.
You shouldn’t be allowing men to meet your son so soon. It’s irresponsible.

Nope chuck him, he will not bring happiness.

You can’t be “on a break” and be annoyed he saw someone else. “On a break” is a cowardly way of saying “not together”. When your not together it’s free for all.

This is what it sounds like to a guy when a girl says we are on a break:

Go away for 2 weeks while I think and sort own myself out, during those 2 weeks you have to be patient, while I don’t tell you a thing of how I’m feeling or even who I may be seeing. You have to sit and wait for me. Oh and also you can’t see anyone else during this time while I sort myself out.

He didn’t cheat at all. If anything he tested the waters while single and decided on what he really likes. If he says he likes/loves you, he probably does and your gonna waste an opportunity.

Also kids are adaptable and if you have found someone that is good with your kid that’s a bonus.

It sounds more like your scared of being hurt again.

Against the flow here but if you weren’t together then its up to him what he did. It’s not cheating.

^I agree

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". This quote from Maya Angelou is one of my favorites, we make so many mistakes with relationships and friendships projecting onto others what WE want them to be but they were never were that person. Stop now whilst you can and give the next person the space to come into your life. Sorry bit deep but I had to share !

He didn’t cheat, he rebounded onto someone else (who probably feels worse than you!). But you got to the break in the relationship so early on that you should see that how you felt, combined with his reaction when you broke up, is ringing alarm bells that he’s not forever material.