Partner cheated whilst ‘on a break’

[Savannah80]

Hello. This is my first post on here, I’d hoped to get some impartial advice as I’m currently confused and upset.

I split with my DS’s father before he was born (2 years ago) He left me whilst pregnant as he’d been having relationships with two other women (one was a colleague and one was the mother of a secret daughter I’d known nothing about). At the time he’d claimed he was depressed and it actually took 18 months for the truth to come out. Before and after the split he’d been an incredibly manipulative and cruel person - not coming home for days on end, not inviting me to family events, accusing me of cheating on him, telling me ‘no pregnant woman looks attractive’ when I asked what he thought of a new maternity dress I’d bought, cancelling our ‘baby moon’ last minute, not turning up on my bday - just generally making my life miserable. He was a narcissist in the truest sense of the word. In short, it was an incredibly painful time in my life, only made bearable by the joy my son has brought into it - whom he’s seen a handful of times because my God did I try to coparent with the freak.

Cut to today and I’ve relocated 300 miles away. Fresh start, closer to my family, bought myself and my son a house, new job and generally much happier - I thought maybe it’s time to meet someone new. I vowed to myself that I would not be treated badly again.

Sooo after a few questionable dates (one of which turned up with fresh FACE tattoos) I meet a new guy online, older than me (I’m 32, he’s 36), no kids, decent job, very caring, great with my son, patient and helpful during the tantrums () and I think, ‘I’ve landed on my feet here’. Things were going great for a few weeks and then he became too demanding of my time (the complete opposite problem of what I had with my ex!). I work full time and also freelance occasionally so I needed some downtime and I just wasn’t getting it. We decide to take a break. In the space of a TWO WEEK break he’s managed to meet someone else, date her three times, sleep with her, and then realise he’s in love with me and wants to make it work. I’m gutted at everything - the fact he was able to move on so quickly, that he slept with her a few days after being with me. The fact she’s been in his bed. What do I do? Do I give him another chance on the technicality that we were on a break, or do I get rid....thanks if you’ve read this far.

LazyDaisey Talk about contradiction!

"you expect him to wait and not date anyone else while he gives you space"............"And then when and if you do restart"......... Selfish beyond belief if that's how you treat other people

" he can’t be alone"........ " intensify the relationship"....... "One of the signs of the being in love feeling is you just can’t get enough of the other person’s company"........ So you judge him for not being able to be alone and then say not being able to get enough of someone is how you describe being in love

Op, if you take any advice from Mumsnet, let it be this. Basically DON'T

Don't make decisions based on anything that you read on here

Crestar. What are you on about? I think the guy is the type who likes to have someone around - why he started dating immediately after a break up with OP instead of moping around broken-hearted like OP expected. In my opinion he’s not really in love (but I could be wrong)

OP said she was falling for him too and again in my opinion it doesn’t sound like it because she was pulling away from him and wanted more space in the relationship. Does that sound like the OP has fallen in love?

He’s now come back with I’m in love with you and I want to try again.... I suggest she says ok but I need that breather before we do... if he’s in love with her, he can respect that despite wanting to be with her and give her space. If he’s just the type who needs constant company, he won’t.

A break is not a breakup: It's a pause from the other person—a period to think without having to be around the other person during the thinking period. Since a break is not a breakup, it's not a phase that changes the fundamental rules of the relationship: If the relationship had been exclusive, or monogamous, then it still is exclusive during the break.

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201601/is-the-difference-between-breakup-and-break

Also:
In the most fundamental sense, taking a break means that you and your partner haven't officially broken up, but you've decided to take some time off from each other and your relationship.

A break is supposed to be a time to reevaluate and reflect, not start dating someone else.
That being said, a break is most effective and less heartbreaking if it's clearly defined, with rules that you both agree to and a set date to meet and talk about if/where you see the relationship going.

We all have opinions, but it's your life. I hope you choose what will make you happy in the future, and by happy I mean a relationship that you build together, based on trust, respect, and love, no matter whom it's with. You are the only one who can decide whether that's still possible. If you take some time apart, please talk to a counselor, therapist, or other professional. It would be helpful to sort out your feelings in a neutral space, and in my experience, you'll be asked about the outcome you're hoping for. The answer to that is telling, and whatever you decide there'll be someone to help you with making it a reality.

You can meet a much, much kinder more considerate person than this guy. I mean, he really couldn't wait to whip it out the moment you took a break. Kinda says it all really.

Your being gaslighted by ex and new partner.

Wave goodbye. Amputate the relationship and stay single for a while.

Listen to your gut more.

LazyDaisey
To be honest the whole thing sounds childish.

It's possible to be in a relationship and cool things for a while and give each other space. It's possible to be in a relationship and slow the pace of things. If people aren't interested in a relationship then end it.

The whole being "on a break" seems to almost always translates to Person A meaning 'we aren't together and I want some space to decide if I want to get back in a relationship with you, but I expect you to sit around and wait for me to decide in my own time'. Person A almost always gets annoyed if Person acts like they're not in a relationship and tends to be a drama llama giving it 'but I thought you were meant to love me...' whilst conveniently ignoring that it was them who showed their willingness to break up first. Person A is usually very quick to play the wounded victim in these situations if B doesn't jump the right hoops, meanwhile B is meant to suck it up that A may not want to be with them, and sit around pining for A.

It's a stupid test in my opinion where the only way to 'win' is for B to pine after A and then jump if and when A says they're going to generously consider the relationship again. Clearly I'm very cynical.

OP, I'm in the minority here.

I don't think he did anything wrong.

You've given us enough insight into your previous relationship to establish that there are probably some trust issues overhanging. This is probably why you feel so negative about him being with someone else while you weren't together.

You need to ask yourself if you capable of and prepared to work past this incident, and whether or not you (not the Mumsnet Nazi's) feel as though he's worth it.

Your need for space in the relationship is entirely reasonable, and you should still express that you desire this. But don't suggest a break again if you want him to be with you.