What the hell is going on??!!

[candymilk]

So I need some perspective. I'm going out of my mind.

DH birthday tomorrow and so we went out for the day today as a little treat. Plan was to get to the town/place, have a coffee, look around a few shops and then have dinner altogether in quite a nice place which has some nice memories for us - kids with us too. DH said to kids bring some pocket money to spend at the shops.

Got there all good. Had coffee, mooched in an art gallery and a couple of grown up (boring) shops and then DH says right let's go and have dinner. I said to him about kids spending there pocket money (his suggestion) and asked could we do that first/before.

Cue a huge and prolonged rant from him at me in the street in front of kids and loads of people. So cringe. Lots of shouting about it always being about the kids and he wants to do what he wants to do on his birthday! So awful :( so embarrassing. I was so shocked and taken aback by his outburst.

He then says right let's look at shops then and stormed down the high street with us trailing behind. We didn't go into any shops and eventually got to the nice food place and he said no he didn't want to go in as it's spoiled so we went to a pizza place instead and ate in virtual silence.

Got home had a bit of a row (again) and basically he says I'm thoughtless and only care about the kids and he wanted one day for himself. I think he is being really childish and immature.

Now he's sulking and acting wounded like such a martyr that I feel guilty even though he overreacted and caused the whole nonsense!

Is it just me or is it him? I'm so confused I feel like I did something so awful and ruined his birthday - that is how he is acting :(

Ps he does have form for doing this kind of thing and it's always because I've done something 'thoughtless'

[timeisnotaline]

He can have hisbirthday presents when he’s apologised to the children. Tosser.

[candymilk]

Thank you. I have seriously considered leaving him and aside from the financial issues - we a lot of debt and can't afford to run two homes I am worried that if we separate there will be times when the kids are with him for the weekend and I worry about them.

I worry that he'd be at best an arse and at worst do something to them to get back at me. He tells me he can't live without me and if I ever mention space or separating he absolutely loses it and gets really angry with me. So I'm scared to leave them on their own with him if we were separated-at least this way I am with them all the time and can protect them. Oh god that sounds awful.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

I've often thought he might be EA but then I think perhaps he is just a horrible, cruel and selfish arsehole!

Does it matter which it is though? Really? Would it be OK to spend the rest of your one, precious life with him if he is 'only' a horrible, cruel, selfish arsehole?

You are worth so much more than this OP. So are your kids.

[candymilk]

I don't mean protect physically I mean protect emotionally- he's never physical.

[HollowTalk]

I don't think I've ever read a thread on here where a poster was questioning whether her husband was abusive and I thought he wasn't. Why would anyone think a perfectly nice guy was abusive?

It's ironic that his childhood issues have led him to treat his own children really badly.

Honestly, OP, I think this is a very unhealthy situation for the kids and I think they'd have a much more peaceful life if they weren't living with him.

[Helpfullilly]

Here is a thread about similar behaviour. It's mainly to save myself writing the same things over again but I think mine and other responses on the thread might help you:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3792295-Is-this-normal?pg=3

You have every right to be angry. It's not always easy (or safe) to stand up to these men, though, as you are likely conditioned to doubt yourself and accept this type of thing. You also probably know standing up to him might extend the acting out or make it worse, as well as it just being so shocking it's hard to know how to react in the moment at times.

Women's Aid can help, they were amazing with my mum.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

He’s an abusive wanker. It’s not ok.

He’s been cruel to you but even worse he’s also made your children feel awful, guilty, confused.

Don’t wrap his fucking presents. Don’t devalue yourself that aggressively.

[KickAssAngel]

He doesn't need to be physical right now as the emotional abuse is working just fine. He is likely to get seriously worse if he thinks you are going to leave, so plan carefully how to do that without endangering yourself or the kids.

[Hadtoask]

Ok I’m on my own here but I actually feel that he has not done this deliberately or set you up to fail. I think that his birthday brings up huge and unmanageable emotions for him. I feel very sorry for him. It doesn’t mean it’s your fault though. It definitely sounds like you are very thoughtful and you made a real effort to have a lovely day with everyone included. He will need to address his pain so that you can stay together as a family though.

[candymilk]

Thank you. Just read the first half of that thread and like the DH in that thread mine will also have no one if I/we leave. No support network and he has threatened suicide in the past.

[candymilk]

I feel sorry for him too a that's why I'm still here. I'm so confused.
Something needs to change and I want what is best for my kids. my Dd often asks/checks that we are not getting divorced. They want us to be a family.

[NumbersStation]

@Hadtoask

I feel so sorry that he had an awful childhood. Every child should have a happy upbringing. But they don’t. And most manage not to damage their own children.

The OP said that his behaviour has been for 10 years. And that he has treated her terribly.

He really does need to address his pain but on his own. For now at least.

[morrisseysquif]

Attention seeking man-child.

My DP just the same, he got home from work on his birthday one day seething when he saw he was on the phone, kept making barbed comments to the kids about waiting to start his birthday 'when mummy could be bothered to get off the phone'. Thing is, he could hear the conversation I was having but still couldn't contain his childish petulance - my twin brother had rung up to say he and his wife were expecting boy girl twins.

He never forgot the day my brother told us, and refers to it a lot - the day he had to wait to get his birthday gifts. Twat.

It is emotional abuse - he is punishing you for not making him the centre of your world. It must be exhausting. Can you start to think about leaving? It is a big step - just start to think about it.

Oh, and remind him it his birthday tomorrow and he isn't the bloody Queen.

[morrisseysquif]

• I was on the phone.

[messolini9]

he said no he didn't want to go in as it's spoiled
huge and prolonged rant from him at me in the street in front of kids and loads of people
stormed down the high street with us trailing behind
sulking and acting wounded
he said he felt ignored and that I wanted to get my own way and the only way of getting through to me was to kick off

How long has he been having these petulant, idiotic tantrums OP?
Does he usually have problems communicating in a rational, calm & adult manner?
What does he do for a living, & would he act out like this at his workplace?

He's either a spoiled brat who actually believs it's ok to behave like this, or he's actively looking to undermine you - especially in front of the kids - & make sure everything is about him while blaming you for his outbursts.

Neither one is especially attractive. I suggest he needs a kick up the arse, professional help.

[bank100]

He sounds like a selfish bully.
He now needs to see that HIS actions have consequences.

[MarieKlepto]

I had one of those, thankfully we didn't have children. Threw a massive strop because it wasn't what he wanted on MY birthday (I just wanted to duck in to the pub for one drink with friends before the dinner booking). Even his own friends were embarrassed by his behaviour towards me sometimes and told me so. Well rid.

[katewhinesalot]

What will happen if you don't give him his presents until he apologises and you make it clear that you are waiting for an apology?

Can you deliver that message calmly?

I agree with a pp, you shouldn't downplay it tho your kids. They need to know that behaviour is wrong and unacceptable.

[crimsonlake]

I deel so sorry for you and what a situaton.
You cannot control anyone elses behaviour I am afraid, but you can do something about your reaction,
I put up outbursts from my ex...usual reason given up my career, did not want to break up family, financial reasons etc...
When did it get okay for him to behave like that in this day and age?
Do not put up with it a minue longer.

[Grandmi]

Crikey my husband doesn’t care about his birthday...how old is he?

[movinggoalposts]

I spent my actual birthday at Ikea getting wardrobes for DS and then building the bastards and I managed not to kick off. He sounds awful and I’d love to say to LTB. However, I experience firsthand what it’s like to see your child go off every other weekend with someone who is a loose cannon and it’s not fun either.

[candymilk]

Thanks for all the replies. I'm off to bed now but my one last thought for the evening is how bloody annoying it is that despite him doing all of that today I was the one who finished the day by apologising to him, quite a few times and him acting like a hard done by martyr and now he has all the power and I feel like an idiot.

[NumbersStation]

You are not an idiot.

You’ve been broken.

But you can mend

[candymilk]

Oh and I'm with you on not playing it down to the kids anymore.! Thank you! Such good advice from everyone.

[messolini9]

It doesn't feel like textbook EA but I feel like I'm going mad.
Sorry OP - that IS textbook.

He is very good at making me feel guilty and to blame for things.
Please, PLEASE, read the textbook -
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

& make sure your account here is locked down. You need an outlet to explore your situation that he does not know about & cannot influence.