Ex not telling his wife about our friendship

[StegosaurusRex]

I'm good friends with my ex from almost 15 years ago. I moved away not long after we broke up, but we stayed friends.

I recently moved back to our home town and we've met up a few times. It's been really nice as we get along really well and he's been a big help supporting me through a rough time and being a bit of a handy man/decorator for me.

The problem is he's married, but let slip the other day that he's always wanted us to give it another go and that his wife doesn't know that we used to be a couple. Apparently, she's a very jealous person and would probably ban him from seeing or speaking to me.

I'm a bit conflicted because our relationship wasn't very long and was a long time ago. I'm also very happy with my DP and wouldn't do anything to put my or anyone else's relationship at risk, so it seems a bit pointless to tell her, but I also think she has a right to know if it may be an issue for her, yet I don't want to lose this friendship.

Should I insist he tells her? Is it harmless if nothing will happen? Does she have a right to know everything?

Imo as long as the favours aren't sexual ones she can be excused from knowing.

Sorry to break it to you @StegosaurusRex but his marriage isn't the problem, you are!

You've split up with him, so just let him get on with his marriage and stay away. How would you like the thought of being married to someone who's "supporting" an ex?

Of course she has the right

Shes his wife

Lying by omission is STILL lying

By the way the remark about his wife being "jealous" etc. I'm not surprised if she has a husband who regularly meets up with an ex IN SECRET

You both know this.

Damn right @daisychain01

No she doesn’t have that right to know who all his friends her. My husband would never have been that insecure, and i certainly didn’t care who his friends were. Several of my friends are guys who I’ve skep with in the past. My daughters godmother is a woman who my husband had been with.

@mamato3lads thanks, I honestly had to pinch myself. it's like ... really?

Just waiting for all the cool folk coming on here to say it's all fine. No, it. Just. Isn't

He's trying to line you up as ow and has already started to disparage his wife, have you had the she doesn't understand me yet?
You are already way to involved with him and need to take a step back, unless you want to keep being his dirty little secret

No, nothing sexual at all.

@daisychain01 I didn't mean his marriage is the problem, I meant the problem is that he said he has feelings for me and that he hasn't been honest at with her. I don't see how I'm the problem when I haven't done anything. My DP knows this guy is my ex and I, perhaps naively, thought he would be honest with his wife, too. Bitchy MN at its best 😂

It's all well and good saying let him get on with his marriage, but we've been friends for 15 years, I don't want to just throw it away. That's why I'm here asking for advice.

She knows he is friends with me and when we are hanging out, but doesn't know about our past.

I've made it very clear there is no possibility of us getting together, even if we were both single.

I fully agree with most of what has been said, especially lying by omission. I'm not here looking for validation, just a bit upset that I'm probably going to have to let this long standing friendship go

So would you be happy with your DP behaving like he is?
Would you want to know?
And why would you want to remain friends with him when he clearly wants sex and or a full blown affair instead of friendship?

Also, my DP is very good friends with his most significant ex and he supports her during difficult times, helps her out with all sorts of things and spends as much time as he likes with her. This is fine because I trust that he would never do anything inappropriate

And why would you want to remain friends with him when he clearly wants sex and or a full blown affair instead of friendship?

I guess this is the hardest bit to swallow, that maybe the friendship has always been a means to an end for him and he's only been supportive and helpful because there may have one day been a 'reward' at the end of it. I find it hard to see that side of it, though, because I can't believe anyone would be that into me to put that level of effort in

You need to back off from this friendship, he obviously wants more

Seems like he's trying to get back with you. His poor wife.
On some level you must know this is not sensible.

This is such a dangerous game

So he doesn’t actually see you as a friend but a potential OW and you think this makes him the sort of person that you want to meet up with, knowing it in secret from his wife. This really doesn’t make either of you look good or like nice, decent people.

It seems to me that he’s trying to sound out whether an affair of some kind is on the cards. If someone told me they had feelings for me and we were both in relationships I’d put distance between us as it just sounds like drama and hard work: I also question whether the description of the wife is even accurate - bit like the start of “my wife doesn’t understand me”

Yes, Robin, I do. That's why I'm here 🙄 honestly, some of you are acting like I've been playing an active part in this.

Thank you for all the responses. Sadly confirmed what I suspected that it's not a proper friendship on his side, so I'll end the friendship

Come on, don't be naive!

"we've met up a few times.
It's been really nice

we get along really well
he's been a big help supporting me"

THE INCREASING CLOSENESS
THE ATTRACTION

let slip the other day that
he's always wanted us to give it another go

• SIGNALLING AVAILABILITY

his wife doesn't know
she's a very jealous person
would probably ban him
from seeing or speaking to me.

INCLUDING YOU IN A SECRET

• WHICH IS ALL OW TERRITORY AND CHEATING ON HIS WIFE.

If you were just friends that’s one thing. But he has said he wants to get back with you. And you want to keep poking the fire by being friends. It won’t work in the end, and you are best walking away. You can’t give him what he wants which is to be back with you. He is not after your friendship.

@2020BetterBeBetter what part of 'a few days ago' makes you think I want to meet up in secret. I clearly stated that it made me uncomfortable, and I haven't seen or spoken to him since.
Don't judge my character on me asking for advice in an awkward situation. Forgive me for not thinking this guy was actually my friend

ll you have to do, is tell her!

"I don't know whether handyman told you, but we were an item once! It lasted such a short time it was meaningless, we went back to being friends without a problem".

Secret over, she can decide after that.

what makes you think I want to meet up in secret.

This does - Apparently, she's a very jealous person and would probably ban him from seeing or speaking to me.

I don’t think many people would need to ask strangers on the internet to be able to tell exactly what he thinks and wants.

I'm not a naive person, but laying it out like that makes it pretty clear. He's genuinely a very helpful person and hasn't done anything for me that he wouldn't do for any of his friends, male or female, but I hadn't thought for a second that he was still interested in that way

Hi OP, My advice would be don't be hasty in ending this 15 year friendship because of some comments here. Maybe you should have a really frank discussion with him and explain where you stand and that you are very uncomfortable with his wife not knowing everything. See what he says and go from there. Keep clear boundaries and explain this will only ever be friendship.
You have done nothing wrong.