Ex not telling his wife about our friendship

[StegosaurusRex]

I'm good friends with my ex from almost 15 years ago. I moved away not long after we broke up, but we stayed friends.

I recently moved back to our home town and we've met up a few times. It's been really nice as we get along really well and he's been a big help supporting me through a rough time and being a bit of a handy man/decorator for me.

The problem is he's married, but let slip the other day that he's always wanted us to give it another go and that his wife doesn't know that we used to be a couple. Apparently, she's a very jealous person and would probably ban him from seeing or speaking to me.

I'm a bit conflicted because our relationship wasn't very long and was a long time ago. I'm also very happy with my DP and wouldn't do anything to put my or anyone else's relationship at risk, so it seems a bit pointless to tell her, but I also think she has a right to know if it may be an issue for her, yet I don't want to lose this friendship.

Should I insist he tells her? Is it harmless if nothing will happen? Does she have a right to know everything?

@2020BetterBeBetter all that shows is his opinion of how she would react and why he hasn't told her. Absolutely nothing to do with my intentions. Stop reading bullshit into things

I’m sorry; I feel I’ve been rather quick to judge you. My comments would stand if you continued to see him because I feel you now what he wants and thinks.

Have you told your dp about this bit?

... but let slip the other day that he's always wanted us to give it another go

Thank you, @PurpleBee39. One of the few genuinely helpful comments on here.

I can't see his wife being ok with us being friends if he tells her because she would, quite rightly, be pissed off about the secrecy so far and would never trust him to be around me.

I'm not surprised she a very jealous person she's had years of him being secret friends with women, confessing his feelings, slagging her off to women and probably emotional and physical affairs, gaslighting her 'she's just a friend I don't fancy her' and all the other crap women have posted on this board that they've had to put up with. Personally I couldn't be friends with someone like that.

It's not you that's done anything wrong, he's tested the waters and told you he's keeping his wife in the dark and you've become uncomfortable. Your gut feelings are right here.

My DP has been away, and I wanted to tell him in person. He's back tomorrow, but I do need to end the friendship, so should I still tell him??

You’ve not been friends for 15 years or his wife would be aware of the ‘friendship’,you only recently got back in touch, why does he need to support you and be doing DIY when you have a DP?
Sounds like he’s pursuing you and you are surprised at his ‘feelings’, do you like the attention? having another man pandering to you?

This won’t end well

Three possibilities

• you end up having sex with him and being the OW as well as cheating on your partner.

• you say nothing or do nothing but carry on with what is easily going to be framed as an illicit friendship when she finds out which she will. You will get the blame.

• you end the friendship and cut him out of your life

Chose the lesser of all evils

Thanks, @MonopolyDog. I hadn't even considered this not being the first time. It was a real shock, but I probably am just the latest in a long line of distractions, aren't I?

We have been friends for that long and his wife knows he is friend with a woman called StegosaurusRex, she just doesn't know about the history as, apparently, he doesn't think it necessary to tell her

So he's always carried a torch for you and his wife, basically, doesn't understand him?

I think we know where this is going if you open yourself up to it. Don't. He's a sleaze.

I needed the support before my DP and I got together and this 'friend' is a tradesman, so naturally I accepted when he offered

I think sleaze nicely sums it up, @ChristmasFluff

@JKScot4 I never saw it as pandering. He was supportive during a bad time, as were other friends, and was helpful because it's his job. I think I've made it clear that I'm not enjoying this revelation of his

Thanks for the apology, @2020BetterBeBetter. It's always difficult just reading things, but I do genuinely have the best of intentions here and just wanted to confirm my gut reaction that it's never ok regardless of the fact that nothing would happen. I am sad to lose the friendship I thought we had

It's not WHAT hes doing or why or with who. It's that, by his own admission, his wife wouldn't like it and instead of therefore respecting his WIFE and telling her or not he friends with you.

Wives come first ... she should be his priority ..what SHE feels.

Above all, though, his comment about always wanting to get back with you says it all. Hes sounding you out. If you gave him the green light he'd steam in.

You've done nothing wrong at all but hes a slippery number

Couldn't agree more, @mamato3lads. Well put

Well, you obviously can't see him again.

Hi OP, I'm glad to be of help. As I said you've done nothing wrong here, so please don't feel bad.
Maybe discuss it with your DP when he gets back and get his view?
I still can't help but feel it's a real shame to lose a long-standing platonic friendship. But you must do what you feel comfortable with.
I hope everything turns out well in the end.

@StegosaurusRex, I’m a wife in this scenario. I was not told that they were still in touch or that they had met up. He left me denying an affair. I found out a few weeks ago about the affair. My long marriage has been undermined. I can accept a marriage breaking down although he never gave me any clue that he was unhappy. I cannot accept betrayal like this. If you have any integrity at all be honest, end existing relationships, and do the right thing. This type of behaviour causes devastation.

So sorry to hear that, @SuperbMonkey. This was never going to go that way, but obviously for his wife, just him wanting to is betrayal enough. I hope you've got lots of support around you

@PurpleBee39, I think if it was just that she didn't know we had a past, I would make sure he told her and let her decide how she felt about it, but with feelings involved it's too messy already and if he just wanted to be my friend, he wouldn't have said anything

I have to say you should be thinking about your DP here too. I am pretty chilled about my husband's female friends,.one of which was his girlfriend once upon a time. But if she had said something similar about wanting to give it a go I would expect him to tell me and stop hanging around with her. It is totally inappropriate. Men like him always have difficult controlling wives too, usually because they're cheats

Damn that jealous wife of his... it's all bullshit. I've heard this line too many times before when a taken man has tried to flirt with me. He's probably a player, I wouldn't read too much into it.

If anything I was the opposite of difficult and/or controlling. I trusted him completely, so it never occurred to me to think that I couldn’t trust him. I never looked at his phone, lap top, questioned if he was going to a work do or not. More fool me it seems.

Yeah he's a liar. Blaming his wife for his own issues. He wants an affair so definitely cut the friendship off. I would tell your partner too so he knows why you've suddenly stopped seeing your friend.