Ex not telling his wife about our friendship

[StegosaurusRex]

I'm good friends with my ex from almost 15 years ago. I moved away not long after we broke up, but we stayed friends.

I recently moved back to our home town and we've met up a few times. It's been really nice as we get along really well and he's been a big help supporting me through a rough time and being a bit of a handy man/decorator for me.

The problem is he's married, but let slip the other day that he's always wanted us to give it another go and that his wife doesn't know that we used to be a couple. Apparently, she's a very jealous person and would probably ban him from seeing or speaking to me.

I'm a bit conflicted because our relationship wasn't very long and was a long time ago. I'm also very happy with my DP and wouldn't do anything to put my or anyone else's relationship at risk, so it seems a bit pointless to tell her, but I also think she has a right to know if it may be an issue for her, yet I don't want to lose this friendship.

Should I insist he tells her? Is it harmless if nothing will happen? Does she have a right to know everything?

@BarbedBloom, I've already said I don't want to talk to him about it while he's away. It can wait until tomorrow

@StegosaurusRex I read that bit. I more meant in relation to the fact you are talking a few times about possibly still continuing the friendship, but I wouldn't worry as much about his wife as your DP's feelings - if that makes sense.

As you have said, I suspect this was never really a friendship from his side, just a precursor to more

I'm not continuing the friendship, although my DP would be fine if that was my decision because he trusts me and knows I wouldn't jeopardise what I have with him.
Initially, I was hoping there was a way for it to work with 'friend' being open with his wife, but it's been pointed out enough that he's not interested in being friends and is a bit of an arse

I do appreciate the concern for my DP, though. He's very lovely and deserves the honesty 😊

I wouldn't bother telling my DP if I were in this situation. I'd just pull back from the friendship.

The ex has crossed a line by saying that he has feeling for you when you have a partner and he is married, as he was looking to start something with you. He has disrespected his wife and your partner and your relationship. His wife has good reason to be jealous. You should not be friends with him as he will always want more from you and that will end up causing resentment and may potentially cost him his marriage. He doesn't sound like a great friend anyway.

Are you serious? Lose the ‘friendship’.

Seriously, I can’t understand why you would have a married man (especially when you are not friendly/don’t even know his wife) performing jobs around your home and “supporting” you, all unbeknownst to his wife and think that is okay. Have you no other friends?

I've addressed these points before.
I'm not going to repeat myself. RTFT

This will be an unpopular opinion on here but in my opinion men are very rarely “friends” with a woman unless they are wanting something more. From personal experience, every male I have ever thought was a friend has eventually tried to get their leg over. Both single & married. Every. Single. One.

There are successful friendships between men and women, but in those cases there are clear boundaries in place that both people respect and never violate. They don't have meet-ups, they don't do DIY jobs and they don't act like they can't live without each other. Invariably it works well if both people are in stable relationships and get on with their lives and aren't keeping their options open.

The OP recounting that this so called friend revealed he "has feelings for her" is so clearly not in the category of friendship and the OP either knows it and is deliberately withholding that on here, or else is about 16 years old and completely naive and has a lot of growing up to do. Me thinks it's the former.

Clearly his wife isnt just a jealous person is she? I bet this has happened ed more than once, and her jealousy is actually just that she knows what a shit he is.

He is being awful to his wife. He didnt tell her because he knows she will spot he is upto no good.

he's been a big help supporting me and being a bit of a decorator / handyman for me

To be honest, you sound like a bit of a user

Also op, it's very odd that everyone's dp support to single women, who cant seem to dp things themseleves.

As a single parent, I wouldn't have had someone else husband or partner round my house doing jobs and helping me book work. I might ask for recommendations of work men.

Learn to do thses things yourself. As you can see, men offering help often have ulterior motives. I get your dp is lovely and you trust him. Didnt you think this friend was lovely too?

How did your friend take it when you said you weren’t interested in anything more than friendship @StegosaurusRex?

I’m in a similar situation, old friend whom used to be a fwb back in uni. We stayed friends and both had relationships, nothing inappropriate ever happened. He was always very neutral if anything regarding my Dp came up, never gave his opinion or anything. He split up with his girlfriend and me with Dp (we have children, friend doesn’t). He was very supportive, but through a few conversations it came to light he had romantic feelings for me and he asked if I wanted to give a relationship a chance (we were both single at this time). I didn’t and he was fine with that, still wanted to be friends.

Now, I’m back with Dp, still friends with the guy and although in my case Dp knows of our past. I haven’t and don’t plan on telling him my friends disclosure of love.
My Dp is overly jealous and he won’t like it, even if for now he’s ‘ok’ with it because he’s making a effort (his behaviour was the reason for our separation). But I know it will niggle and worry him and I love my friend as a friend, I’ve no interest in anything more with him.

Hrth.
So you have a DP? Your historical bf is helping you out but keeping it a secret that you were in his life.
Have I missed something here?

@daisychain01 if we were friends (I know we clearly weren't from his side), why are we not allowed to meet up? Am I not allowed to be in the physical presence of my friends? I don't understand the second half of your post. What am I supposedly withholding??

She may very well be jealous, @Scarsthelot, but, yes she clearly has reason to be.
He wasn't just someone else's husband to me, I thought he was my friend. Yes he is someone's husband, but that doesn't automatically mean he can't also be my friend. Why wouldn't I accept an offer of support or help from a friend? You must have really shit friends if you do nothing for each other. I'm a very capable, independent person, but I have some physical limitations which mean that some things are just not possible for me.

@MindYours that doesn't even deserve a proper response. What a ridiculous statement 🙄

@Monty27 I have a DP. This ex/'friend' has helped me out, it's not an ongoing thing. Certainly not now. I wasn't a secret. Our history was a secret from his wife, unbeknown to me, and neither she nor I knew of his feelings, she still doesn't

@GirlOnIt, he seemed ok. Didn't try to convince me otherwise or say much at all really. I then asked him if his wife had any idea and that's when he said she didn't know about the past at all. When he said he wasn't going to tell her, I told him she has a right to know and he shouldn't have involved me in a lie and made my excuses to leave. I haven't spoken to him since.
Had we both been single, I would've just laughed it off, and carried on as before, because it's such a ridiculous notion for me. We were together for 6/7 months, 15 years ago and I didn't develop feelings for him back then either

Don't feel bad about him helping you with stuff @StegosaurusRex. I agree that's what friends do. It's a difficult one, because I think he was very wrong to say he had feelings for you while he's married and you're in a relationship. But I don't think it necessarily means he's not also a genuine friend. Has he tried getting in touch since?
I also understand the not telling his wife you were a thing, because although I did tell my Dp from the start it also did cause issues and I'm not going to tell him about what my friend said while we were split up.

Thanks, @GirlOnIt. I'm glad you've been able to maintain the friendship. I'm of the mind that if she ever found out it would make it seem so much more suspicious and would hurt her a lot more than if he'd just said from the start and given her the chance to either get used to the idea or let him know she wasn't happy about it.
My DP didn't always tell me when he and his ex were hanging out because he's used to people being really jealous and thought if he just said he was with a friend, it was better. The first time I asked him outright who he was with, we just had a chat about it and I said that the only part that upsets me or worries me is that he lied (by omission) to me.
'Friend' hasn't been in touch. Even if he would be happy just being friends, I feel like there's too much deception gone on for everyone to be happy about it, and as the feelings were expressed while we were both in relationships, the partners would have a right to know.
I am sad about it, but I'm not 100% convinced of his intentions and I'm not going to risk my DP, his DW or me getting hurt somewhere down the line