DP pushy love

[knowmyownmind]

My DP gets hurt and offended if I say no when he offers me something I don't want to eat, or an experience I don't want to take part in.
It's often small things like putting sauce on my meal when I've said I don't want it ( he's thinking why can't I trust that it would taste better ?) or getting me to do something he's sure he knows I would like.

I find it controlling and annoying. I want to be able to say no without feeling like I've inured his sensitivities. He takes my preferences diverging from his as a personal slight.

Is he being controlling or am I not being flexible enough. I'm open to new experiences but for eg. If I don't feel like following his lead on a walk he'll get offended because in his head he's already chosen his best route and wants to share it with me so if I say let's walk this way instead I'm seen as rejecting him.

I don't want to hurt his feelings so find myself compromising all the time. How can I stick up for my choices without being them perceived as stubborn rejection ?

Oh I couldn't be doing with that AT ALL! In fact, it'd make me angry after a while.

You're your own person fgs!

I don't know if it's controlling, but I'd tread very carefully, it's almost manipulative/coercive.

He's bang out of order. Have you ever discussed it with him? Like "Hey dp, how come you get a face like a slapped arse when you offer me ketchup and I say no thanks?"

Tbh I think I'd be throwing him back into the dating pool. There are plenty of men out there who aren't sulky idiots.

Really controlling
Dump him

Exh was like this. He was just being caring, wanted the food to taste its best, enjoy the walk in the best way etc.

He wasnt. He was a controlling dick who thought, he knew better and hated any challenge to that assumption. He also knew if he got angry, it wouldn't help. He knew if he acted hurt I would feel guilty and eventually conform.

I did for a while. Until I realised what was happening. I didn't want ketchup. I convinced myself I did. I had it to keep the peace. When I stopped and started speaking up, his abuse escalated. He had a break down. He was panicking he was losing control. I fled with the kids.

It’s controlling for sure. He doesn’t want you thinking for yourself

He's controlling. Does anyone else in your life put ketchup on your plate?

It sure feels controling but disguised as caring. He's been a good partner and we've been together 24 years so it's not as simple as just dump him.

It's got worse or menopause has made me less tolerant ! I need to work on standing my ground whilst being oblivious to the emotional effect it has on him. I see he's hurt and then feel the need to defend myself. I fall into the trap of placating with I'm sure ketchup is lovely but I just don't feel like it at the moment bla bla bla .... I need to work on feeling fine with refusing and become oblivious to his guilt trips.

We just went on holiday and ended up doing everything he chose... because his ideas are of course more exciting, interesting and novel... all things I wasn't particularly looking for.

Holiday activities are always tricky to navigate though - we alternate days to choose!

Hints here that he will become abusive over time. I would ditch him

Yes on holiday in a new environment maybe these things become clearer and more exposed. I lack confidence in my ideas for things to do in the face of his enthusiasm for adventure.

It is controlling, some people think it's their way of caring.

Just be honest and if he's offended, that's his problem. You are not responsible for how he feels.

"We'll both have the lamb, rare, with very little mint sauce. You like mint sauce, right sweet pea?"

• Caledon Hockley, Titanic, April 1912.

😉

OP, sometimes it is a simple as dump him. Obviously having a life together makes the break up hard.

I had been with exh half my life time. 2 young kids.

I think sometimes those of us in controlling relationships, dont see it. Then we do and you cant go back. I would bet money, you notice more and more things in the coming months and years.

When exh knew he had lost control, he admitted it at one point. He went and ot counselling. He learnt another way to control me. He decided we had to tell each other every detail. Every converstation we had with the people, where we were at all times. He used my laptop to track my phone. All because the counsellor pointed out good relationships dont hide things from eachother (he used to hide things all the time). He would read my phone, track me, follow me etc so he had something to use against me.

Controlling people rarely change. He has a need to control.

I hope this isn't a descent into more abusive behaviour. I do need to set my limits for what I am willing to accept. He would be incredulous that his wanting to share his choices with me could be perceived as abusive. When I try to approach the subject he gets hurt and angry.

He is being controlling but it sounds like you've been enabling it?

With something like holiday activities, you need to sit down beforehand and do a plan. It's fine do to some things that are his choice, as long as you get the chance to choose too.

However, with things like the sauce on your meat, you need to be firm!

I would bet money, you notice more and more things in the coming months and years. **
I think you are right scars, I'm really noticing all the little things. Maybe because the kids are now grown I'm less distracted.

Yes I think I am enabling it. I hate conflict and try to avoid it.

It sounds like coercive control starting. Where you police your behavior and then thoughts to stop your DP getting upset or angry. He uses "hurt and angry" to control you, and to stop you expressing what you want and need.

I've just left a coercive marriage. To the outside it probably looked like care, but it was all the things you talked about and more. I could have an opinion that he'd accept was real unless we had a screaming row.

He is being controlling but probably doesn't realise it. There is, honestly, nothing to be hurt about if you do not want the same as him, it's normal. Some halves of a couple take the 'we' to extremes.

Please do tell him quietly but plainly that it irks you and you often agree with him because you are afraid of hurting him when there is nothing about which to be hurt. Then ask him, does he want someone going along with what he wants all the time when, really, they don't want to & are just doing to to keep the peace?

If he thinks about it he may see the error of his ways.

He would be incredulous that his wanting to share his choices with me could be perceived as abusive. When I try to approach the subject he gets hurt and angry.

He would fake being incredulous. He gets hurt and angry when you voice an opinion. He knows what he is doing.

Very controlling. Start doing it to humans see how he likes it

Do you want to spend the next 24 years doing everything he wants to do?

I empathise with this a lot - my DH thinks he's the model of caring and considerate but I feel controlled and smothered. The only advice I can offer is to think about whether you can face living the rest of your life like this?

Seriously, my advice stands, dump him
Don't spend any more of your life being ignored or treated like a child unable to decide whether you want sauce on your plate or not. Can you call womens aid for some advice?

I agree with @Scarsthelot

In fact her story is my story.

You enable them more and more because you don't really mind and he (and thus everyone else) is happier.

But the more you "give in" for an easy life, the more invasive it becomes and the more upset they become at any resistance you show to "doing things the right way".

I have just left a 23 year relationship like this, and yes, exh has a breakdown when I left as things were out of his control.

It's an extremely difficult decision to make.

I agree that them "knowing what's best for you" is often seen as "caring".

A book I highly recommend is Patricia Evans, the verbally abusive relationship.

You might not think your DP is verbally abusive (I didn't, I just thought he was a sulker), but there are lots of interesting insights into your partner's mindset, whereby they don't really see you as a separate person, just an extension of themselves and so if course they get frustrated when you don't conform to expectations.