DP pushy love

[knowmyownmind]

My DP gets hurt and offended if I say no when he offers me something I don't want to eat, or an experience I don't want to take part in.
It's often small things like putting sauce on my meal when I've said I don't want it ( he's thinking why can't I trust that it would taste better ?) or getting me to do something he's sure he knows I would like.

I find it controlling and annoying. I want to be able to say no without feeling like I've inured his sensitivities. He takes my preferences diverging from his as a personal slight.

Is he being controlling or am I not being flexible enough. I'm open to new experiences but for eg. If I don't feel like following his lead on a walk he'll get offended because in his head he's already chosen his best route and wants to share it with me so if I say let's walk this way instead I'm seen as rejecting him.

I don't want to hurt his feelings so find myself compromising all the time. How can I stick up for my choices without being them perceived as stubborn rejection ?

Op you are having to stuff down/deny your own feelings just so this man's feelings don't get hurt. It's almost like only he is allowed to feel.
He wants to be in charge of your thoughts and wants from sauce to holidays and I'm sure several other things.
He gets his own way by doing this.
Time to start disagreeing, your wants and feelings matter just as much as his.
How he deals with you expressing your feelings is his to figure out.
After that you can decide if he really respects you as a real person with thoughts of your own rather than just a household companion object.

I appreciate all the responses. Today I had a long drive so I downloaded the audio book by Patricia Evans that a poster recommended. It's a real eye opener. What I learned was that some of us look for reasoned argument whilst others just use arguments as a means of exerting control, so no amount of discussion or justification will ever work in these circumstances.

If the persons objective is just to one up you to keep control of the situation it explains why there's sometimes no logic or sense to their comments. I'm seeing how this explains why DP sometimes pushes his agenda even if it's not the best for the people involved, even him.

Thank you for your post.

That rings true with my dh too. Sooo manu times we've been having a "discussion" and he's brought up something so abstract or extreme that it's not even relevant but then doesn't understand why I'm asking him what the fuck that's got to do with anything?!

I honestly don't think everyone who behaves in a less than ideal manner is intentionally being abusive but it's very difficult to tell. I'm pretty sure I was a petulant, controlling person in my younger relationships but I know deep down I am a very loving, caring person.

Yes, he isn't hurt at all. He is just setting you up to argue with you so he can put you in your place and be in the wrong ... according to him.

My stbxh was permanently fucking hurt and upset (but only for himself of course - he could coldly observe anyone else showing upset - in fact it seemed to really annoy him). Sank to the floor sobbing when after 2 decades of marriage I said I wanted to separate. Apparently picked himself up and carried on by the 2 month mark, he is already seeing someone new. He played my empathy like a fiddle for 20 years before I finally realised what was actually going on, and I thank God every day that I am free. They really can pull the wool over your eyes though - once I remember ploughing through a plate of big noodles and mushrooms (I HATE mushrooms) because I didn't want to ruin our meal out and 'upsetting' dh. Twat.

Get Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That? docdro.id/py03
It'll be a good eye-opener to these sorts of behaviours!