DP pushy love

[knowmyownmind]

My DP gets hurt and offended if I say no when he offers me something I don't want to eat, or an experience I don't want to take part in.
It's often small things like putting sauce on my meal when I've said I don't want it ( he's thinking why can't I trust that it would taste better ?) or getting me to do something he's sure he knows I would like.

I find it controlling and annoying. I want to be able to say no without feeling like I've inured his sensitivities. He takes my preferences diverging from his as a personal slight.

Is he being controlling or am I not being flexible enough. I'm open to new experiences but for eg. If I don't feel like following his lead on a walk he'll get offended because in his head he's already chosen his best route and wants to share it with me so if I say let's walk this way instead I'm seen as rejecting him.

I don't want to hurt his feelings so find myself compromising all the time. How can I stick up for my choices without being them perceived as stubborn rejection ?

DP just doesn't want to compromise/ let go of his ideas or plans without a fight. I find I am always considering the kids/ his /everyone else's needs and making my choices bearing all that in mind whereas he is just marching ahead with his own intentions and he wants me to just go with his flow.
It's kind of ironic as I am a fairly strong, indépendant woman. I just think raising a large family over the last 20 years has led me to put my needs / wants behind everyone else's.

Coercive control is only one possibility. Your DP may be genuinely hurt because he believes this is his way of showing love. Now of course that’s wrong and he should accept your options. Also is very naive to think maybe you don’t love him because you’ve rejected his sauce! But it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a monster.
My ex H was a controlling bastard. DH does not have a controlling bone in his body but sometimes does get fixated what he has already worked out in his head is the best thing to do and then seems shocked when I suggest a different way. And if it’s something nicest he’s planned for us then yes sometimes he appears hurt and disappointed.

you've nailed it Jamais !

You enable them more and more because you don't really mind and he (and thus everyone else) is happier.

But the more you "give in" for an easy life, the more invasive it becomes and the more upset they become at any resistance you show to "doing things the right way".

Getting angry that someone shows their own opinion is controlling.

Using guilt to manipulate someone into doing something is controlling.

Controlling people all have different ways to control their partners.

"It's kind of ironic as I am a fairly strong, indépendant woman".

No not really. Some abusive men like supposedly strong women because they see them as a further challenge to bring down to their base level. These people know your weaknesses and hone in on them even more to make you doubt your own self and judgment.

The more you write about your partner OP, the more red flags re him that are appearing. You may well have been together for a long time but do not let the sunken costs fallacy further allow you to keep on making poor relationship decisions.

I would suggest you also read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

What do your now adult children think of him?.

Op, I am a strong independent woman too - more so these days since I have left exh.

There was a real gap between my principles and the person I was in my relationship.

A friend pointed it out after I left exh.

I am very openly feminist in public and at work, but she noticed for example that I turned down a trip to ikea with her on a bank holiday because exh "wouldn't like it" - he preferred to spend the day doing diy and I was needed on hand to provide meals and look after the dc.

It sounds trivial but it can really eat into your self esteem to be "giving in" and second guessing your oh all the time.

An easy way to start regaining some autonomy- ask when is it my turn to choose? See how that goes. It's not something he can take offence at, just a question.

If he lets you choose then sabotages your choice- so, you choose the restaurant and he picks a fight with the menu, complains all the way through, picks at his food- it will be a bit clearer what he is like and his behaviour will be clearly the issue rather than yours.

menopause has made me less tolerant!

You've hit the nail on the head there, I think, if my own menopausal experience is anything to go by. You get to a point in life when the kids are grown and you don't have to put them first all the time, and you start to find yourself and spread your wings again. Then you find that other people's expectations of you begin to get rather frustrating, you put your foot down and they don't like it.

I don't put up with any bullshit any more either

My DP is good at pushing his needs to the forefront and I have been conditioned by my childhood, being a mum etc. to put my needs second.

I feel uncomfortable standing up for my choices, as really I am willing to be pretty flexible, so when I do want to assert myself I probably tend to do it in a defensive, unsure, way with too much justification rather than just by quietly asserting my rights. So rather than just saying no thanks to the sauce I tiptoe round his emotions, whereas I NEED TO PRACTICE NOT GIVING A FUCK. Haha that just came out unintentionally in capitals.. clearly my subconcious knows the score !

Such conditioning though is very hard to undo. I can see you are full of good intentions here but this is something that you may not be able to achieve ultimately on your own. I would suggest counselling (BACP are good) to start unpicking all the crap that you learnt about relationships along the way starting with your relationship with your parents. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Examine your boundaries in relationships far more closely in counselling.

He took away your autonomy by putting sauce on your meal. A non controlling person would have picked up the ketchup bottle and put the sauce on their own plate. This non controlling person may have asked at the same time whether you wanted any sauce and if you said no the sauce bottle would have been placed on the table.

I think that this man targeted you OP and deliberately so as well. He acts like this because he can and feels entitled to do so.

Set yourself small targets. Can you think of one thing (due to happen in the next day or two) when your opinion is likely to differ from his? Your resolution will be easier to stick to if you have a specific aim. Now see that through. Keep repeating "you may prefer it that way DH, but I've decided to do it this way". Stay calm and reasonable but do not back down. If he is well meaning (rather than deliberately abusive) he will eventually get the message. Then you'll have taken the first step towards changing things.

So can you think of anything? Share it with us if you like

Practise some phrases for situations that will crop up- that's ok DH, I don't want any sauce but you can have some if you want!

It sure feels controling but disguised as caring

All coercive controlling is pitched that way. No abuser comes along and announces they're controlling you or admits it's to have power over you - who'd put up with that?! But claim it's just because they "care so much" or "only want the best for you" and people get sucked in...

That anger when you say no, the hurt, it's all manufactured to manipulate you. No normal person is going to get upset because you don't want sauce on your dinner, or have different ideas to them about how you'd like to spend your time.

What happens if you say no to something bigger, like sex?

I agree with what Mandarinfish said at 09.14. You need to stop justifying why you don't want sauce and instead just say no thanks, i don't want any sauce. Next time, just a firm no.

Weirdly enough, my BIL who i previously liked well enough tried to serve up my roast dinner for me when it was served in bowls on the table. Nobody chooses my roast potatoes but me! When i stopped him he looked really hurt and sulky for a second before his smile came back. Its opened my eyes to a lot of his subsequent behaviour and i don't like what i see. He always offers to help with things. Only so that he can manipulate things to be the way he wants them. Sometimes it's only a small thing that opens your eyes.

Very controlling. It makes quite a difference to you if you dont like or want ketchup and your plate is covered in it, but makes absolutely no difference to him, other than the fact he was 'won't because you have submitted.

Basically he has to be in control, he is 100pc right about everything and that's why he gets upset because you are daring to question his authority. He is saying his opinion is more important than yours. What kind of person wants their partner to have a cup of tea when they dontfancy one, or add something to their meal that they have said they don't like?

Your holiday sums it up I think. You ended up doing his choice of activity/ visiting his choice of location every day. That's not a partnership and I don't see how it can be anything other than controlling, because he is in control of all the decisions

You can try talking to him but I suspect you will just get 'I only want the best for you're etc...the best thing for you is being able to decide what you want to do and when (not all the time but an equal proportion)

Gosh, you have managed this situation for decades, putting your needs last. Something many women do to keep the peace. I met someone just like your DP. I started to feel really uncomfortable when he got upset because I wouldn't try a sauce or try his beer he was drinking ( I dont drink beer). It was quite a stressful experience for me as I thought i was treading on eggshells all the time. Eventually it escalated to controlling behaviour and some isolating of me. Thankfully my best friends noticed it and I began to take a step back to observe his behaviour and then realised I couldn't live with this anymore and left. He then turned in to a scary stalker...but thats another story. So I do feel for you and have experienced this behaviour and it is truly....odd!

It's incredibly controlling and he is trying to show you that HE knows best in all things and you don't.
Stop explaining why you don't want something and just say I told you I don't want sauce, if I say I don't want sauce I don't want it and scrape the meal into the bin.
Is he like this with sex?

BTW both of my husbands behaved like this but I won't stand for it. Ever, neither of them were particularly intelligent so I didn't see why they knew better just because they were men.
Of course it did lead to divorce both times as neither of us would back down but I don't miss them.

"Thanks, but it's ok - I can decide whether I want sauce on my dinner or not."

You need to discover your inner strop, it's quite liberating once you've got used to it

Is your H the same way about other things? I bet once you start analysing other aspects of your relationship you will find he is e.g. finances (in control of savings, makes the decisions about expenditure, checks what you spend your money on), sex, what you wear, when you go out, etc?

Start telling him no to things you don't like or don't want to do.

And if he acts offended, ignore. It's just an act to get you to comply.

He doesn't worry about hurting your feelings.
and telling him no, really isn't hurting his feelings.

The things you learn on MN! I had never heard of controlling dhs putting ketchup on your meal when you don't want it! How bizarre.

I thought at first that you meant a new mushroom sauce he had cooked or something and he was upset you wouldn't have some!

What other kind of stuff does he do? And as a PP asked, does this spill over into sex? Because this reminds me of the cup of tea analogy .