Content warning: possible sexual assault
This is really hard to write, and I apologise if it’s super long.
I have no idea what to do. I think my dh sexually assaulted me, and we might be splitting up.
We’ve been together for 10yrs and have two children. He’s a wonderful guy and I love him dearly. Hardworking, loyal, a great father. We laugh all the time and he tells me he loves me every day. It’s not a perfect relationship and we sometimes get on each others’ nerves, but who doesn’t?
But. He’s an idiot when he’s drunk. Not aggressive as such, but just extremely loud and brash. He doesn’t have a drinking problem - he’s definitely not dependent on alcohol, but we live in a country of big drinkers. It’s pretty ingrained.
I’m at the point where I don’t want to be around him if he’s drunk. If he’s been on a night out and he comes back drunk, he’s just incredibly irritating. And when we go to bed, he can be pushy. He’s just that little bit more...creepy? Pervy? than usual.
There have been occasions in the past where he’s been groping me when I’m half asleep and I’ve had to tell him to stop more than once. I don’t like it when he’s like this. It’s not loving; it feels sleazy. Then, a few months ago, we had both had quite a bit of wine and were getting it on, as you do. I was on top, cowgirl, and without warning he tried to push his penis into my bum. I was horrified and shouted at him. Like I was going up and down, obviously, and he tried to do that as I was lowering myself down - it could have really hurt me. I made him sleep downstairs. In the morning he had no memory of it as he was pretty drunk. I had to explain what he’d done and he apologised profusely.
Fast forward to 10 days ago, the 30th. We’d had a rare night pre-NY night out in a different city without the kids, and had a hotel room booked. After dinner and quite a few drinks, we went back to our hotel and were having sex. Again, I was on top. Again, to my total horror, he tried to quickly push his penis into my bum. I jerked away and said ‘No!’ And he tried to do it again.
To be honest, it’s a bit of a blur after that. I was crying and gathering up my stuff, while he was begging me to stop and apologising. I got dressed, grabbed some stuff and went to the hotel reception to book another room for myself. I didn’t know what I was doing really; I just knew I wanted to get away. He somehow managed to get my room number and knocked on my door. Again, apologies, crying, so so sorry.
I left the next morning and took the train back to our city, while he drove to his parents’ to get the kids. The kids are back here with me now and he’s staying with friends while I try to sort out the muddle in my head.
What do I do? Am I being unreasonable? I feel guilty because he’s clearly so upset and remorseful, but I just can’t get over the fact that he did that to me, and it wasn’t the first time. I’m just in shock and feel numb. I feel like I don’t want him near me. I don’t know if I can trust him ever again. He’s devastated - messaging, calling, promising to make things better and offering to stop drinking etc. I don’t know whether to give him another chance or not.
Please, please give me some advice. My parents divorced when I was 11 and it was horrendous. I don’t want to do that to my kids, but I just don’t know if I can ever trust him again.