Husband may have assaulted me - pls help

[VelvetScrunchie]

Content warning: possible sexual assault

This is really hard to write, and I apologise if it’s super long.

I have no idea what to do. I think my dh sexually assaulted me, and we might be splitting up.

We’ve been together for 10yrs and have two children. He’s a wonderful guy and I love him dearly. Hardworking, loyal, a great father. We laugh all the time and he tells me he loves me every day. It’s not a perfect relationship and we sometimes get on each others’ nerves, but who doesn’t?

But. He’s an idiot when he’s drunk. Not aggressive as such, but just extremely loud and brash. He doesn’t have a drinking problem - he’s definitely not dependent on alcohol, but we live in a country of big drinkers. It’s pretty ingrained.

I’m at the point where I don’t want to be around him if he’s drunk. If he’s been on a night out and he comes back drunk, he’s just incredibly irritating. And when we go to bed, he can be pushy. He’s just that little bit more...creepy? Pervy? than usual.

There have been occasions in the past where he’s been groping me when I’m half asleep and I’ve had to tell him to stop more than once. I don’t like it when he’s like this. It’s not loving; it feels sleazy. Then, a few months ago, we had both had quite a bit of wine and were getting it on, as you do. I was on top, cowgirl, and without warning he tried to push his penis into my bum. I was horrified and shouted at him. Like I was going up and down, obviously, and he tried to do that as I was lowering myself down - it could have really hurt me. I made him sleep downstairs. In the morning he had no memory of it as he was pretty drunk. I had to explain what he’d done and he apologised profusely.

Fast forward to 10 days ago, the 30th. We’d had a rare night pre-NY night out in a different city without the kids, and had a hotel room booked. After dinner and quite a few drinks, we went back to our hotel and were having sex. Again, I was on top. Again, to my total horror, he tried to quickly push his penis into my bum. I jerked away and said ‘No!’ And he tried to do it again.

To be honest, it’s a bit of a blur after that. I was crying and gathering up my stuff, while he was begging me to stop and apologising. I got dressed, grabbed some stuff and went to the hotel reception to book another room for myself. I didn’t know what I was doing really; I just knew I wanted to get away. He somehow managed to get my room number and knocked on my door. Again, apologies, crying, so so sorry.

I left the next morning and took the train back to our city, while he drove to his parents’ to get the kids. The kids are back here with me now and he’s staying with friends while I try to sort out the muddle in my head.

What do I do? Am I being unreasonable? I feel guilty because he’s clearly so upset and remorseful, but I just can’t get over the fact that he did that to me, and it wasn’t the first time. I’m just in shock and feel numb. I feel like I don’t want him near me. I don’t know if I can trust him ever again. He’s devastated - messaging, calling, promising to make things better and offering to stop drinking etc. I don’t know whether to give him another chance or not.

Please, please give me some advice. My parents divorced when I was 11 and it was horrendous. I don’t want to do that to my kids, but I just don’t know if I can ever trust him again.

You say your husband doesn’t have a drink problem, but he has tried to anally rape you 3 times whilst he’s drunk, and doesn’t remember after. That is a drink problem. It’s also a boundaries problem. And he is also a would-be rapist. I’m really sorry OP, but you need to have a really hard think about whether you want to be married to such a man. I would suggest that you ask him to live elsewhere and go to counselling and prove he’s changed if you think there’s any chance of a future together.

This is how I was raped with my first boyfriend when I was 14. He tried it once (military position) I scooted away and said I didn't want that. He apologised profusely. Next time we were having sex he did it again. I shouted stop and tried to get away, he pinned me down and carried on. No preparation or anything. I managed to get away within a few thrusts and it took me ages to come to terms with the fact that not only was it definately sexual assault, it was definitely rape.

I'm so sorry he did this to you!

@Witsendagain I am sorry this happened to you 💐

Was it three times or two times? I only see two in the post. Anyway I second the advice about ringing a helpline for advice.

I did hear something on radio 4 ! some time ago that cast a new light on this behaviour.
cant remember how/ why they admitted it, but basically, lots of nice young men, highly educated/ qualified, middle class, polite, every mother's dream for their daughter etc, they had kind of scoring game.. seemed it was well known among men. the challenge was to have anal sex with their girl friend/ willing partner, for vaginal sex. they would pretend to the woman that they made a mistake, and in talking about it, they would high-five each other, like collecting stamps. that was the goal, to achieve that with every woman they were intimate with. they didn't want to go on doing it, it was just something to achieve. but they realised most women would not agree, so they had to do it by subterfuge, usually as if by accident.
it was really chilling to hear this. how they talked about it. and how they said every man would sneakily try or at least recognise this game.
it seemed to me, to be a thing about tricking the women. I wondered if they would even bother doing it if the woman agreed to it. it was almost like boasting among themselves about rape by stealth.

Reported scuba.

Holly 3 times it says in the OP.

I'm so sorry, OP. This is sexual assault. You are absolutely not being unreasonable.

I'd be telling him to sober up immediately or pack his bags. I know you don't want to put your children through divorce, but you must feel safe in your own home. Take care .

Yes, that’s right. There wasn’t penetration; very nearly, but no.

@VelvetScrunchie if you've made is clear in the past you don't like it then I would be seriously considering leaving. Absolute violation of your body and rights. It's up to you what you do obviously nobody here can tell you what to or not to do. Maybe he gives up drink and you continue the relationship! Maybe he moves out and you move onwards and upwards with your life. Whatever you choose, I hope you have supportive people in your life. ❤️❤️

@scubadive Yeah and domestic abuse and violence is pretty normal for some couples too. In the scenario you describe, the partner pushing away probably isn't 'getting in the mood'; they're probably resigning themselves to the fact they'll have to have sex or face a big argument. Or they might be giving in due to fear.

I'm so sorry op. A similar thing happened to me when I was younger with a boyfriend. I stayed with him after the first time, and it happened more than once. I didn't like it or want it to happen but I was naive and very messed up back then. I didn't understand that it was ok for me to not do things I didn't want to do, and I thought it was my fault for not saying "no" firmly enough.

I don't believe that your husband really had no memory of that first time. I think that was an excuse. He has now tried to assault you multiple times. Leaving him would not be unreasonable at all. Your husband is supposed to be someone you can trust and rely on 100%, not someone who you can't feel completely safe around.

OP, I am so sorry for what you have gone through. It sounds absolutely awful and a huge betrayal. I can only imagine what you are feeling - both having been assaulted and now wondering about the future of your marriage.

I think you have done absolutely right by throwing him out for now so you have time to think. Well done. Don't feel any rush to work out what is right for you.

If he were sober, I would advise categorically that you leave him. There is no forgiving it and no way you could be safe.

That is equally the case if he continues drinking in any way. If you want to contemplate staying in the marriage, I would suggest you require absolute stop on all drinking as a condition of continuing the marriage. And he should prove that for a significant time before he gets back into your house, and then even later, into your bed..... this may feel like a big ask to you but it is far smaller than what he has put you through. If he values you and your marriage, and is a good person, then he should be desperate to do it. I would also suggest you do not say at any point "ok I will stay in the marriage" - (so it seems to him like a decision that is made and then he relaxes).....but "I will consider staying for now, if..." - so make it clear that your decision to leave could be made at any moment on an ongoing basis - whatever feels right for you. (So it is a decision he has to earn every day).

I would also insist on him being educated on sexual trauma and him in depth listening to you fully about the trauma that he has caused you. Plus - if you ever let him back in your bed- have air tight demand that anal is absolutely off the table unless YOU choose to initiate it - no trying, no persuading of any type from him allowed in any way. Plus an absolute commitment that if anything like this happens again you will leave him instantly and permanently.

For you, I would also make a commitment to yourself - whether staying in the marriage or not - never to be with him when he is drunk, and if he tries to be in the same space as you when drunk then to call the police. He is not safe to be around and you deserve to be safe.

This should be a very long road back for him, if at all.... and he only wins each step by earning it and if you are totally comfortable and convinced it is the right thing for you.

I hope this is useful and so sorry again....

@scubadive it is not the same as initiating something and the partner not wanting it.... he tried to stick his cock in her ass by physically doing it, not by getting her in the mood or asking.

This has happened to me once completely by accident with my partner during vaginal sex. (And yes I am totally sure it was accident because it was me that shifted my body accidentally, and I happily consent to anal regularly with him!).

Despite regularly enjoying anal, it was agonizing to have an unexpected thrust there and we were both horrified.

Anal is 100% assault if done by surprise and/or without consent. It is not like a partner reaching over and stroking a breast then finding out you are not in the mood. It is instantly painful and as highly intrusive as you can get. And if this wasn't clear to him the first time, OP made this clear to him after the first time.

One more point - it is not just the pain and intrusiveness that makes it different from 'trying to initiate'- it is the deception. He did not slow her down to a pause, line her up and gentle touch that area to test the waters.... She was in the middle of a motion, having vaginal sex and he shifted himself to capitalize on her downwards momentum to trick her into being anally penetrated without warning. That is not an honest initiation of anything. It is a knowing attempt to circumvent her ability to consent.

Your husband has assaulted you, and he has continued to trample all over your boundaries ever since. The hotel should not have given him your room number, and if he respected you at all he would not have chased you down and stood outside your door when you clearly wanted space to process what he had done. He should not be pestering you now with constant messages and phone calls.

He is trying to wear you down. You are right to think you cannot ever trust this man again. How could you ever have sex with him again? How could you sleep next to him? How could you ever enjoy normal life, have a glass of wine with dinner, go out with friends, relax knowing that he wants to rape you? Because he does. He didn't want to have consensual anal sex, he wanted to violate you and hurt you.

If the first time was a mistake - and by that I mean both he genuinely didn't intend to, or that he erroneously thought you might be ok with it - he would have been horrified by himself and would have offered to stop drinking then. He didn't give a shit how he made you feel then, he's only offering to change now because there are now consequences for him.

Kia kaha OP, be strong and be your own best friend. Do not take this man back. Do not listen to the social messaging, vocalised by some posters on this thread, that you would be breaking up your children's home. You would not be. He has done that. The blame, the shame, the guilt, the fault is all with him and not at all with you. Nobody reasonable could argue that a woman should stay with a man who could rape her at any time to avoid a divorce.

Oh and final point (I think)..... the bigger the thing you are doing and the less likely it is that your partner would want to consent, the more vigilant the checking of consent should be if it is an honest initiation. So if you've come up and kissed your partner thousands of times and you are both in a good place, then of course a partner should be able to take that initiative and kiss without checking or thinking about it .... and if the person is not in the mood, then fine- it is an honest misjudgment.

If you frequently come up behind your partner and grab their breasts, and they like it, then probably it's fine to do that, but you might check a bit more carefully that they are in a good mood, wouldn't be taken aback/ aren't pouring boiling water from a kettle at the time so couldn't get hurt/ make a sound as you approach etc to add a bit of care...

If you are wanting sex you don't just stick your penis in them before they have noticed at any time, any place, without checking - either verbally or non verbally, that they are keen/ lubricated/ comfortable etc... explicit checking and foreplay are essentially ways to lead up to this big act, to check it's ok, because even between partners there are tons of times it doesn't suit one or other of them.

Anal is on the extreme end of this scale in terms of its significance as an act, and the chances of the OP welcoming it were extremely low, because she had already communicated it wasn't her thing, and had already expressed extreme upset the last time he tried it this way. That is why the checking process should have been extremely careful. But it was the opposite. He tried to trick her instead.

OP, I am sorry - I have taken over a little and promise to bow out now, but I think these issues are so important and as you expressed doubt about what had happened to you I hope it is useful in some way....

I am very very sorry if I have added to your upset in anyway or misrepresented anything about your individual experience.

Can you call rape crisis op? I think a previous post linked to it. Your husband is not a safe person for you to be around, please consider divorcing him. He's attempted to rape you on more than one occasion.

OP

It's at the very least attempted rape. No question.

I am appalled at some of the comments on here who are frankly rape and sexual assault apologists. I'm so sorry that you went through that AND had to read the filth some have written.

@12345kbm so it’s okay because she wasn’t penetrated? Are you for real??

OP maybe suggest a strap on and he can see how it feels for you. Might turn him off it real fast.

@Yeahnah2020 Read the thread.

No no nope. What a disgusting thing to do to someone who you're supposed to love and respect. Consensual sex between two adults is one thing but this is not. You've made it clear you don't want to, he's decided he doesn't care if he hurts you to get off.

I would be introducing him to Mr Strap on and see how he feels about anal when he's the recipient. I'm sure his opinion would change instantly (or he'll want you to) but either way, doesn't give him any right to inflict his desires on you.

I'd tell him to fuck the fuck off and run for the hills. If he tries it again report it to the police. Some men just don't understand sorry, care about consent and that needs to change.

Sounds like a control thing, how horrible. You had the sex talk, decided against anal and yet here he is still trying to do it. You clearly set out your boundaries and he clearly ignored them, three times. I'd be done. Even if he promised never to drink again. He should have promised that the first time. There's something not right with him. Trust your gut. Walk away.