Husband may have assaulted me - pls help

[VelvetScrunchie]

Content warning: possible sexual assault

This is really hard to write, and I apologise if it’s super long.

I have no idea what to do. I think my dh sexually assaulted me, and we might be splitting up.

We’ve been together for 10yrs and have two children. He’s a wonderful guy and I love him dearly. Hardworking, loyal, a great father. We laugh all the time and he tells me he loves me every day. It’s not a perfect relationship and we sometimes get on each others’ nerves, but who doesn’t?

But. He’s an idiot when he’s drunk. Not aggressive as such, but just extremely loud and brash. He doesn’t have a drinking problem - he’s definitely not dependent on alcohol, but we live in a country of big drinkers. It’s pretty ingrained.

I’m at the point where I don’t want to be around him if he’s drunk. If he’s been on a night out and he comes back drunk, he’s just incredibly irritating. And when we go to bed, he can be pushy. He’s just that little bit more...creepy? Pervy? than usual.

There have been occasions in the past where he’s been groping me when I’m half asleep and I’ve had to tell him to stop more than once. I don’t like it when he’s like this. It’s not loving; it feels sleazy. Then, a few months ago, we had both had quite a bit of wine and were getting it on, as you do. I was on top, cowgirl, and without warning he tried to push his penis into my bum. I was horrified and shouted at him. Like I was going up and down, obviously, and he tried to do that as I was lowering myself down - it could have really hurt me. I made him sleep downstairs. In the morning he had no memory of it as he was pretty drunk. I had to explain what he’d done and he apologised profusely.

Fast forward to 10 days ago, the 30th. We’d had a rare night pre-NY night out in a different city without the kids, and had a hotel room booked. After dinner and quite a few drinks, we went back to our hotel and were having sex. Again, I was on top. Again, to my total horror, he tried to quickly push his penis into my bum. I jerked away and said ‘No!’ And he tried to do it again.

To be honest, it’s a bit of a blur after that. I was crying and gathering up my stuff, while he was begging me to stop and apologising. I got dressed, grabbed some stuff and went to the hotel reception to book another room for myself. I didn’t know what I was doing really; I just knew I wanted to get away. He somehow managed to get my room number and knocked on my door. Again, apologies, crying, so so sorry.

I left the next morning and took the train back to our city, while he drove to his parents’ to get the kids. The kids are back here with me now and he’s staying with friends while I try to sort out the muddle in my head.

What do I do? Am I being unreasonable? I feel guilty because he’s clearly so upset and remorseful, but I just can’t get over the fact that he did that to me, and it wasn’t the first time. I’m just in shock and feel numb. I feel like I don’t want him near me. I don’t know if I can trust him ever again. He’s devastated - messaging, calling, promising to make things better and offering to stop drinking etc. I don’t know whether to give him another chance or not.

Please, please give me some advice. My parents divorced when I was 11 and it was horrendous. I don’t want to do that to my kids, but I just don’t know if I can ever trust him again.

You must be so confused, the man you love can't surely be meaning any harm?, i have been in a similar situation ..he is violating you, once is a mistake but he is pushing and forcing you for his own satisfaction 😔..I feel disgusted that I allowed this type of behaviour in my past but at the time I was in denial and didn't love and respect myself enough. You deserve love and respect ❤

Thank you so much to everyone who took the time to respond to me in such a caring and helpful way. I’ve told dh that I want us to separate for a few months so I can get my head round this. I’m struggling to process what happened. My brain keeps trying to minimise it, like ‘it wasn’t that bad...you are making a fuss over nothing’. But it was that bad, wasn’t it? Everything I wrote here happened exactly as I’ve said.

I just don’t know where we go from here. He is devastated. I’m not sleeping and I keep bursting into tears. But I just can’t get past it, that he did that to me...again.

You're in shock because someone you trusted and thought you knew is trying to rape you. Anyone would be in shock. Yet, the majority of rapes are carried out by someone the victim knows.

You have to bear in mind, as your husband attempts to gaslight and minimise his behaviour, that he will try again as he has done before. You are risking rape to take him back OP. This is it now, how can you possibly allow yourself to be vulnerable with him again knowing that he tried to rape you three times?

Contact Rape Crisis as soon as you can to discuss it and to organise counselling. You can find your local rape crisis here: www.rapecrisis.org.uk/get-help/find-a-rape-crisis-centre/ Get in contact with them in order to clarify what's happened and to see what support is available.

Well done in finding the strength to ask him to leave.

I've read your update and I reread your op. You're definitely not making a fuss over nothing.

Well done OP. Take good care of yourself. Hugs xxxxxx

Well done.
Seek some counseling for yourself to get your head around things.

If he’s been on a night out and he comes back drunk, he’s just incredibly irritating. And when we go to bed, he can be pushy. He’s just that little bit more...creepy? Pervy? than usual

You know that isn't the drink, don't you? Alcohol doesn't cause this in someone, it simply lowers the inhibitions revealing the "real" person. When no alcohol has been consumed it's easy to keep this "real" person at bay, add alcohol and out they pop!

TL:DR - this is who your dh is.

I feel guilty because he’s clearly so upset and remorseful, but I just can’t get over the fact that he did that to me, and it wasn’t the first time

Is he though? You already told him that he has done this before, and how upsetting you found it, he showed remorse then too, right? So he does it again?

Sorry & being remorseful mean nothing if your [his] actions don't change.

@Alininja91 Op made it quite clear the first time that she wasn't happy. Great that you were happy to try something that your partner didn't think he needed consent to do to you, but we don't all feel like that!

@Weenurse He needs to know you did not consent and this is not okay. HE KNOWS!!!!

@StarUtopia No, a conversation is NOT NEEDED. Consent isn't complicated. He knows that the op wasn't consenting.

I’m sorry OP, for what you’ve been through and some of the rape apologists on this thread.

FWIW, I think you’re doing the right thing. How could you have sex with him now and not be slightly concerned he would do it again... trust is at the heart of a relationship.

I hope you work a way out to give you longer term happiness.

Please stop worrying about HIS feelings. Who cares if he is "devastated"? He has VIOLATED you three times, thereby losing your trust. I would never feel safe again with a man like your husband. Do you think you could feel safe with him? That is the question.

And for all the irresponsible women responding about consensual anal sex, that has nothing to do with this situation.

OP, keep a clear head and make the right decision for yourself. Please do not worry about how devastated he is. You have already given him two chances.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you OP. Such a betrayal and (even if you were to put it behind you) this would make it almost impossible to enjoy sex with him and trust him when you are in bed with him again. It shows such an awful way of thinking (about you) on his part, that he could try and force you into having sex you don't want to have.

Does he accept what he has done? Has he, or you, said the words? Or is he trying to play it down? Perhaps it would be a good idea to say (via a text, so it's clear) "you tried to force me to have sex that you know I didn't want to have, and then when I said no, you kept trying. And it's not the first time. That is rape. That's what you did." and then see what he says to that.

Also the fact he could have injured you quite badly, does he not realise how awful that is? If you had to suffer pain and go to a doctor and have them examine you and you tell them what happened?

Also, just to make the OP aware. This is a sexual fetish. Men film themselves having unwanted anal. They film consensual sex and then thrust themselves into the anus of their partner without warning (hurting them and risking internal damage including colon penetration and faecal incontinence). They post it online for other sickos to get off on.
You have absolutely no evidence this is what the op’s dh was doing, none’

He is your husband, you have a good relationship and work well together. Can you not both go to counselling to work through this and perhaps he could stop drinking? If he says he is sorry and this is the only part of your relationship that isn’t great then I think you could work though it.
Saying that I’m not you and it’s obviously really upset you so this is just me and I’ve not been In Your situation. Although when we have both had a drink, my partner and I do botch it up a gear when it comes to sex but it is consensual. Hope you are okay x

@TooTrueToBeGood

Did you actually read what the OP wrote? They were having consensual sex each time. He didn't actually penetrate her anally because she said no each time. How is that actual rape?

OP, you need to sit down when you're both sober, tell him why what's happened isn't ok and decide if this is a deal breaker or not.

Some absolute hysterical reactions here!

Posted too soon!
I wasn't referring to your post, OP.

Well done OP for honoring your feelings. No you are not making an unnecessary fuss. Objectively, what he did was awful. As I understand it, he in no way slowed down, paused, or tried to create any space for even unspoken realization and consent on your part - he just tried to surprise you into being penetrated, regardless, in full knowledge that the last time he did that you had not wanted it. If that is a true reflection of what happened, Then absolutely, it is objectively attempted rape.

Even putting the 'objective' aside, any time YOU feel unsafe sexually, you have every right (and I would beg you to) do whatever it takes to reassert boundaries in which you feel safe, regardless of what was actually done.

I am sending

@Soontobe60 no one is being hysterical. The OP's husband has repeatedly attempted to anally rape her. Stop minimising it and the OP's very valid reaction.

@MyDcAreMarvel - no one suggested that he was filming it. But there's a good chance he's watched this type of porn.

@differentnameforthis I never said my partner didn't need my consent or permission or not so no idea where my you said that. I only said it because it's quite a normal sexual thing for people to do. Not that she SHOULD. Hell no you shouldn't do anything you're not comfortable with whether your a man or a woman. I'm sorry that YOU misread my comment and assumed otherwise.

@Soontobe60 - no my understanding is he did not manage to penetrate, because there was too much physical resistance to penetration on the first thrust (as is often the case when it is done without warning) . The OP then said 'No!' When she realized and felt his attempts, and during the incident in the hotel room, he tried to thrust again after she had said NO..

Forgive me for the detail OP, and forgive me if I have misunderstood you.

I think we need to have respect also for what the OP felt in the room. She is in a trusting, positive 10 year relationship with this man. And yet what happened in that hotel room was enough to reduce her to tears and running for a safe space from her husband and feeling unable to be around him. Women aren't idiots. They know when they are safe and being respected or not and they know when they are in danger.

By the way, I am often on threads on the topic of sex relations, asking people to calm down and saying that partners should be allowed to initiate/ try something as long as they respect a no.... I do think we overreact on Mumsnet sometimes and sometimes castigate men for making honest, respectful attempts at sexually connecting. But this really isn't that.

I think you've done the right thing @VelvetScrunchie

It's not so much about what he actually did but the complete betrayal of the trust you put in him not to do this after you had already had a discussion on AS and decided you didn't like it.

Only you can decide whether that trust can be rebuilt and that takes time.

It feels like he’s knowingly pushing boundaries to see what you’re prepared to do. Anal should never ever be attempted without prior consent. You need to be prepared for it. Well done for making it absolutely crystal clear that this is not ok.

Unexpected (and even sometimes expected) anal sex is known to be brutishly painful.

Also physically very dangerous.
It is an act requiring full and absolute consent.

3 times, 3 times this man knowingly attempted to inflict brutal searing pain on the woman he supposedly loves, just for his own momentary amusement - knowing full well that she did not and would not ever again consent to this act.

He's quite the monster.

@kezmum14 Jesus, I would really hate to come to you for advice.

"Oh, you get along really well apart from the three times when he has tried to rape you anally. You should try counselling.

Are you actually thinking about what you are writing?