My mum has blocked me on Facebook

[BluueVelvett]

Posted here a few times about my mum. I'm sorry for posting again, I don't have many friends, I missed my therapist appointment this week because of reduced movements with my pregnancy (I'm 25 weeks) and I have nobody to talk to and just feel so down and lonely.

My whole life my mum has been difficult, she has borderline personality disorder but she has always taken things out more on me than anyone else in the family. She is so nice to my younger sister, who's 21, even though my younger sister can talk to her like absolute crap. But with me, she will snap at me, make horrible comments, and give me absolutely evil looks over the smallest thing. When I commented on this she said 'I treat you differently because of your needs.' I still don't know what this means, but I've always been the one to make sure she's okay when she's down, I've always been the one to try to cheer her up and I've always been the one to forgive her straight away for anything.

The past few months have been quite bad. Since being pregnant she has completely taken over my pregnancy and made everything about her, to the point where if I even say I know my baby is going to be beautiful she will tell me that's because he is going to look like her. She constantly slags off my partner, she's told me she's coming into the room straight after my C-Section because she 'deserves to be the third person to hold him over anyone else' and she's telling me what I can and can't do in terms of breastfeeding, changing etc.

She's recently lost a lot of weight and she's started picking about how big I am (size 14), and she'll make comments such as 'I'm too skinny for my old clothes now, you should try them on to see if they fit you'.

Recently, she invited a friend round to her house who she has never liked. She told me she had invited her round and I said one thing: 'I thought you didn't like her?' She flew off the handle at me screaming, telling me I was a child (I'm 24) and that I can't tell her what to do, and then she screamed at me telling me to leave the house, and so I left driving home in tears. When I got home she text to say sorry. That's probably the only time she's ever said sorry to me - it's always me crawling back to her.

On Christmas eve she made a meal for my family and told me how I hadn't been invited when I asked what time I should come. So I didn't go. And then on Christmas day she said it would be better if her daughter wasn't here (me) to the rest of my family. I ended up going to my partners because I just couldn't deal with the negativity.

And then the big thing has happened...

A while ago I was looking at prams and my mum said she would buy it for me. We looked at a few options but we never spoke about it again, and now I only have 14 weeks left until I have baby I'm wanting to get organised, but she's been complaining non-stop and very apparently about how she has no money, she'll joke about me lending her money, and that she can't afford anything. If I buy anything it will be about how she can't afford that. Recently, my I was at my partners when his MIL offered to buy me a pram after asking what was left that I needed. I'd mentioned my mum had said in the past but haven't spoken about it since and agreed to let her buy one. I now see that was a big mistake and unfair to my mum, I should have spoken to her about it first.

But I let my mum know via text that it was okay, that she didn't need to buy the pram now and that she could save some money. She absolutely flipped, told me it was a 'disgusting thing to do', to 'go away you silly little girl', to 'leave me alone and go away' and she then said 'you are a horrible human being' all in the space of about two minutes.

I asked her not to speak to me like that, the only words I said in the whole conversation, and she has now ignored me since. It's been four days, and I've now seen she has blocked me on Facebook.

I feel tired of all of this constantly, I'm struggling with pregnancy because I have a chronic illness and I struggle with my mental health myself. It just feels exhausting and now I'm just sat here feeling guilty as hell because I should not have text her about the pram and should have let her buy it, but I honestly didn't see how it could be a big thing until now.

I have no way of contacting her now, and as I mentioned I don't really have any friends local due to moving and the rest of my family are hours away and my sister is hours away at uni. I feel so alone and down and I just don't know how to handle this. What can I do to make the situation better?

Hi BluueVelvett,
I'm so glad to hear your partner is supportive. I would feel anxious too going to new groups but if you can get over that first hurdle it could open up lots of new support for you and hopefully some nice new friends. Why not speak to your partner, I'm sure he would go with you until you feel comfortable.
Being in a new area is also very difficult so give yourself time to build up your confidence.

I’ve seen that dynamic before where a person is horrible to a nice person but shows respect to a nasty one.

Maybe tell your mum to go fuck herself and tell her she will never see her grandchild because she’s a poisonous bitch?

Honestly you don’t need this poison in your life and your new baby definitely doesn’t, cut her off, I am no contact with a toxic mother, the final straw for me was when I saw her starting her shit around my grandkids, have had a lifetime of her narcissism and there’s no way she’s doing it to the grandchildren

I remember your previous thread. Honestly, this is a blessing in disguise, because now you have to create a life beyond your mum, and that will be best for you and your baby, believe me.

My mum says it was me being born that made her mentally ill
Even IF (and it is an if) this were true, it still isn't your fault! You were just a baby, an innocent child. You didn't do it deliberately! Don't let this make you feel you have to carry the blame for her mental health. That's not right.

Hi BluueVelvett

Re your comments to me in quote marks:-
"@AtillaTheMeerkat Yes I have an anterior placenta and he has moved so it's more awkward to feel but I've felt and seen movement today so all seems to be okay".

Am very glad to read this re your baby.

"My mum says it was me being born that made her mentally ill so I feel like a burden anyway".

You were but a child, how is this in anyway your fault?. You are not responsible for her at all but she made you responsible for her. Her BPD started to happen long before you were born and environmental factors can play a role. What if anything do you know about her own childhood?.

"Yes she was diagnosed by a psychiatrist".
Her BPD is not your fault and nor did you cause this to happen.

" And no, my dad isn't in my life. My mum always convinced me he was never there and he moved away with a new family and that he wanted nothing to do with me, but now I'm starting to wonder if this is true as the one time I have seen my dad in three years when I decided to reach out to him (which made my mum fuming) my dad said none of this was true and that he'd had to block her number because she was harassing him. I haven't seen him since but I don't really know what's true or not"

Women like your mother cannot do relationships at all and the men in their lives are often discarded. I would think your dad's version is the true one here. Would you want to try again with him now?.

Do not crawl back to your mother, drop the rope here completely and grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. She is not worthy of you or your as yet unborn child here.

I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong at all. Definitely focus on you and your little family now. Try and find groups to attend too. You’ll make new friends. :) Be kind to yourself. X

I think that maybe having your baby will put a lot of things into a different perspective for you.

I know that, when I had children, it made me realise how helpless and vulnerable they really are, and how much they love us and want to please us. The whole idea of blaming them for anything, or treating them with contempt or spite, just becomes unthinkable.

It was when I had my own children that I fully realised how nasty and hurtful my mother's behaviour had been towards me. (And she wasn't anything like as bad as your mother, by the way.) When I looked at them, I just couldn't imagine treating them like that. Because no child deserves to be treated like that. And you didn't deserve it either.

She sounds terrible for your mental health. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It must be awful for you and whilst you are pregnant too. You need to get yourself more support from extending your circle outside the family. Just let her have her distance. She is using the pram
As another rod to beat you with. It’s very cruel as this is an essential item for you and in a way an emotional one. So sorry she cannot support you at this time.’I bet you’ll be a much better mum and a much better one without her upsetting you. Is she uses the pram to upset you imagine how she’ll use her grandchild to upset you.

It seems as though had you declined your MIL’s offer to buy you a pram, and instead approached your mum about buying you one, she would have had a similar reaction - calling you disgusting for even asking her when you know how much she has been struggling with money.

I would take this opportunity to get some distance and space from your mum and really think about how much energy you want to put into your relationship with her going forward. As you probably know, she isn’t going to change. As another poster suggested, perhaps just keep things with her superficial - don’t tell her anything and don’t rely on her for anything.

Having a baby and the experience of being a first time parent really makes you question your own experiences growing up and, with toxic parents, it can be hard (or impossible) to reconcile how you were treated with how you would treat your own children.

Congratulations on your pregnancy. A whole new life is just around the corner for you. Having children opens up lots of ways to meet new friends.
We don't always get nice parents and it sometimes takes a really long time to notice and even longer to do something about it.
I've known my Dad is emotionally abusive since I was in my teens. But it's taken me decades to fully see the extent of his narcissistic behaviour and extract myself. I've been low contact for nearly 2 years now and feel so much happier.
I 'only' have my DH, our DD and DSC but a whole host of lovely friends and neighbours.
Life is too short to try and make a faulty parent what you want them to be.

@BluueVelvett

With a mother like this you couldn't do right for doing wrong.
If you approached her and asked her to clarify if she was buying the pram you'd have had the same horrible, dramatic OTT response that is completely out of proportion.

Please walk away.

I spent all my life being belittled by my father, being made to feel useless, worthless - it took me until last January to pluck up the courage to go no contact with him.

Apart from the times he has stirred and caused bother, I have had the most peaceful year.

Your baby will thank you one day. Your mum just adds to your problems. Give her a wide berth for as long as you can and see how your mind clears a bit...!

Thinking of you and your little one

Enjoy the silence

Look after number 1 (you)

Look after numbe two (baby)

You do not want this woman near you baby. If anything, you need to protect the baby, if you are struggling with the idea of protecting yourself.

She has broken contact. I doubt she will reopen it because it is up to you to make amends.

So don’t bother and carry on.

You have a lovely opportunity OP to change your life. See this pregnancy as a new start. Don’t waste a second on your mom or other negative things.

Instead focus on all the positives this pregnancy can bring. Engage with the classes, baby group. Slowly but surely you will make friends. I am sure you are a lovely caring fabulous person, believe in yourself and don’t let your mother drag you down. Make this a new start!

Oh OP I am so sorry that you are in such a fog over this, but seriously if you and your Mother were the only two humans on the entire planet I would be paddling to fecking Australia if I were you.

For your sake - and for the sake of your child (I have NO doubt your mother will fuck her/him up to spite you) - cut her out of your life entirely.

OP I would cut your mother out or at least have limited contact with her. Don’t tell her what is going on and only speak of superficial things. Don’t tell her when you are going to the hospital.

You must be feeling terribly stressed. You are not alone, you have your partner and his mother and other family members. Then you will be busy with your baby. Your circle will become larger as you meet other people at play groups, school and so forth.

I'm so sorry you have a mother like this. She brings nothing good to your relationship - how do you think she'll treat your child? Do you really want to expose your child to this sort of behaviour?
Do for her what your mother never did for you. Protect, love and nurture her.
And when you give birth, tell the staff she's not to be allowed in.
What a horrid, nasty woman. You have a supportive partner, and a supportive family in his family.
Focus on those.
for you

Your mum is exactly the same as mine OP. I wasted 15 years of trying to placate her. The 10 years since I went NC have been wonderful.

Your anxiety issues are almost entirely down to your mothers conditioning. Cut yourself free and you will feel so much better overnight. Read up on the Fog, fear obligation, guilt cycle.

Dont waste any more time like I did. Do you really want to expose your DC to this?

You've done nothing wrong OP.

Your mum wanted to use the pram to control you, that's why she was talking about money, so you'd feel guilty and 'owe her'. Now someone else has bought it, she's blocked you so you go crawling back to her.

You are going to have a baby soon.That baby needs you, it needs you to be there and present emotionally, not crawling after someone with a personality disorder.

It's not your fault your mum is like this. You can't change her.

Why not reach out to your sister? It's not her fault she is the golden child, why not use this emotional space to develop a healthy relationship with her?

She's a nasty bully op. Don't confuses people 'being there' with them 'being there for you'. She'll never be the later. That's what I learned about toxic sorts, the I got away from one but couldn't bare to lose the other because 'at least she was there' but then as I grew stronger I was able to distinguish the fact that she wasn't 'there FOR me'. She was just there for what she could take. I cut her out and haven't looked back.

Take this opportunity to move forward with your life without her. She would never be support. And speaking as a granddaughter of an NPD gran (which sounds similar to me tbh to how your mum acts) I wish my mother had walked away. Don't let your child grow up to be used as another pawn in her scapegoat golden child abuse game.

Cut her off. I know it's easier said than done but what's the point in reaching out of she constantly breaks your heart. You have a partner and his family and a baby on the way so you now have your own little family. Joing some baby groups and make friends. Have some belief and confidence in yourself. Good luck OP

It sounds as though your in laws are supportive so you have a DP, them and soon your baby. Honestly though even the thought of absolutely no-one appeals to me more strongly than one very toxic, controlling bitch.

Take back the power over your life and block her for good. She’s clearly desperate for attention re her blocking you.

Look up grey rock and out of the fog.

Please cut all contact with your mum. She is damaging you and the situation will never get better. She will never give you the parental love you deserve. You deserve much better than that and you are going to have a new human to look after so you need to take care of yourself so that you can take care of your baby.
No one should have to put up with the emotional abuse she subjects you to.
Congratulations on your baby and take care of yourself.

Thank you for the advice everyone. I do have a good relationship with my sister but she also walks on egg shells around my mum so she has been talking to my mum still and apparently nothing has been brought up about me which is strange.

Nobody has checked in on me from my family, which has upset me a bit but I know everyone sides with her because they don't want to get on the wrong side of her. It's easier just to do what she says otherwise she'll blow.

One thing I would like some advice on - my mum made me to book a scan for her and my step-dad at 30 weeks because they didn't want my partner there. So I booked it assuming that they would offer to pay as they had requested it but they never did so now I'm left with £109 to pay for this scan. Shall I just go with my partner or cancel or?

And it's my mum's birthday on Thursday - do I just say nothing?

My mother is very similar to yours, they could be twins. She also has BPD. I am older than you, and at your age I let her control me a lot, and she was very abusive. I am not the golden child in the family, and neither are you. With age and a lot of reflection on the drama, I learned to manage my mother through periods of no-contact and periods of low-contact. She says the stress of having a child like me gave her cancer, that I am a rubbish mum, old looking/ useless/ aggressive and deserve to die alone. She tells my kids that I am awful if allowed access, and so is their father apparently. She was terrible to my father as well. Nothing I ever do or say is right, and she relishes the hardships that I have encountered in my lifetime as evidence of how I am punished for standing up to her.

I could curl up in a ball over this criticism, or just accept she is mentally unstable and crack on with life. I chose the second option. You have a baby to protect from granny, and you will never get the relationship with your mother that you want...so stop trying and stop allowing her to have control of you. It doesn't matter who buys the pram, or what your mother says to you....get off the roller coaster of emotional torment and focus on you, and your baby. She wants to buy the pram to buy access time to the baby so stop her. You will meet other mums post-natally, and at the school run. You have a partner and you can ask your midwife for support. Stop your mother from seeing the baby, and go grey rock with her. I really wish someone had told me this stuff 20 odd years ago when I was battling my mother.

Cancel it. Unnecessary scans aren't a good thing for the babe as I understand it, and that is the most important thing. Also, you're not there for your Mum's and Stepdad's entertainment, and you and your DP are a single unit, and they can't take one without the other.

And say nothing to your Mum for her birthday. Do not initiate contact. Be prepared for her to come after you though.

One thing I've been wanting to say, and I'm not sure I'm going to say it right. After I had my babes, I found I did a lot of looking back on my childhood, and having become a mother myself, I found some of the things my Mum had said and done utterly unfathomable, and unforgivable. It really did bring a lot of stuff up for me, and I felt a lot of grief for the child I'd been - and anger. I wouldn't be surprised if you went through the same. I'm glad you're in counselling!