My mum has blocked me on Facebook

[BluueVelvett]

Posted here a few times about my mum. I'm sorry for posting again, I don't have many friends, I missed my therapist appointment this week because of reduced movements with my pregnancy (I'm 25 weeks) and I have nobody to talk to and just feel so down and lonely.

My whole life my mum has been difficult, she has borderline personality disorder but she has always taken things out more on me than anyone else in the family. She is so nice to my younger sister, who's 21, even though my younger sister can talk to her like absolute crap. But with me, she will snap at me, make horrible comments, and give me absolutely evil looks over the smallest thing. When I commented on this she said 'I treat you differently because of your needs.' I still don't know what this means, but I've always been the one to make sure she's okay when she's down, I've always been the one to try to cheer her up and I've always been the one to forgive her straight away for anything.

The past few months have been quite bad. Since being pregnant she has completely taken over my pregnancy and made everything about her, to the point where if I even say I know my baby is going to be beautiful she will tell me that's because he is going to look like her. She constantly slags off my partner, she's told me she's coming into the room straight after my C-Section because she 'deserves to be the third person to hold him over anyone else' and she's telling me what I can and can't do in terms of breastfeeding, changing etc.

She's recently lost a lot of weight and she's started picking about how big I am (size 14), and she'll make comments such as 'I'm too skinny for my old clothes now, you should try them on to see if they fit you'.

Recently, she invited a friend round to her house who she has never liked. She told me she had invited her round and I said one thing: 'I thought you didn't like her?' She flew off the handle at me screaming, telling me I was a child (I'm 24) and that I can't tell her what to do, and then she screamed at me telling me to leave the house, and so I left driving home in tears. When I got home she text to say sorry. That's probably the only time she's ever said sorry to me - it's always me crawling back to her.

On Christmas eve she made a meal for my family and told me how I hadn't been invited when I asked what time I should come. So I didn't go. And then on Christmas day she said it would be better if her daughter wasn't here (me) to the rest of my family. I ended up going to my partners because I just couldn't deal with the negativity.

And then the big thing has happened...

A while ago I was looking at prams and my mum said she would buy it for me. We looked at a few options but we never spoke about it again, and now I only have 14 weeks left until I have baby I'm wanting to get organised, but she's been complaining non-stop and very apparently about how she has no money, she'll joke about me lending her money, and that she can't afford anything. If I buy anything it will be about how she can't afford that. Recently, my I was at my partners when his MIL offered to buy me a pram after asking what was left that I needed. I'd mentioned my mum had said in the past but haven't spoken about it since and agreed to let her buy one. I now see that was a big mistake and unfair to my mum, I should have spoken to her about it first.

But I let my mum know via text that it was okay, that she didn't need to buy the pram now and that she could save some money. She absolutely flipped, told me it was a 'disgusting thing to do', to 'go away you silly little girl', to 'leave me alone and go away' and she then said 'you are a horrible human being' all in the space of about two minutes.

I asked her not to speak to me like that, the only words I said in the whole conversation, and she has now ignored me since. It's been four days, and I've now seen she has blocked me on Facebook.

I feel tired of all of this constantly, I'm struggling with pregnancy because I have a chronic illness and I struggle with my mental health myself. It just feels exhausting and now I'm just sat here feeling guilty as hell because I should not have text her about the pram and should have let her buy it, but I honestly didn't see how it could be a big thing until now.

I have no way of contacting her now, and as I mentioned I don't really have any friends local due to moving and the rest of my family are hours away and my sister is hours away at uni. I feel so alone and down and I just don't know how to handle this. What can I do to make the situation better?

And for anyone who tells me to cut her off - because that has been said before - how exactly can I do that when I don't really have anyone else?

I know this is hard but perhaps this is a blessing in disguise. Just because she is your mum it doesn't mean you have to be treated like that or stay in contact with her.
Perhaps now is a good opportunity to focus on yourself and your baby. Have some time apart. It may make her realise that she is being abusive and she needs to treat you better, equally it might give you the space to realise that this is not ok and to cut her out of your life for a bit.

Hi OP, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through.
I think you need support, are there any pregnancy groups you could join locally so that you are with people who are going through the same as you? You might develop some long term friendships by doing this.
Similarly there might be local groups for anxiety as well. Have a search online.
I know it would be hard but I think you do need to either cut contact with your Mum or strictly limit it. It's seems to me like she is using you as a verbal punch bag which is disgusting. You do not need this stress.
Please take care of yourself and good luck with your pregnancy.x

It's genuinely better to be alone than have someone so emotionally toxic affecting your mental health.
Focus on your new baby and dh.
Is his side of the family supportive-you could visit them.
Also look for mother and baby groups for when baby comes to get out and about.
Protect your mental heath pregnacy can make you so vulnerable to depression. You do not deserve to be treated the way your are being treated.

to put it bluntly, its one of those situations where you either put up with it or you do something about it. your options are to confront her and tell her that her behaviour is not ok, you could do this face to face or write her a letter. Or you cut her out. That doesn't have to be a permanent thing but it makes people realise that you mean business and that you aren't just a push over. You deserve to be treated better, your child deserves to see its mum treated better.
I would rather be a bit lonely than have someone who is supposed to love me treat me like that. I have cut my family out in the past to give myself space, we always end up finding our way back to one another and thing improve for having had the time apart.

Thank you everyone. There are some antenatal groups at the hospital that I'm going to go to I just need to refer myself. I'll have a look around for local pregnancy groups. I'm crap at meeting new people and am in a new area so quite anxious.

Having no-one would be considerably better than having to deal with her OP.

Honestly, the headspace she takes up is better spent on building new relationships.

This is where you are heading. Honestly, get out now.

Do I stop or keep going? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/elderly_parents/3791759-Do-I-stop-or-keep-going

You do have someone.

You have your partner. You will soon have your baby. Your partner's family sound accepting and welcoming. And sane.

So, since she's blocked you, why don't you try an experiment? Why don't you focus on what you have got, and enjoy what you haven't currently got - a toxic, abusive woman who is constantly, knowingly, emotionally and verbally abusing you, in your life? (Two of the most peaceful weeks of my life were when a relative decided she wasn't speaking to me. . .)

My mum is like yours and I've finally had enough of her - she mistreated my kids once too often and it was that that made me do it. She's made me feel shit for years and I won't let it happen to them.

If you cut your mum off she loses her powers. You dont need her, she needs to keep making you feel bad to make herself feel good. Block her on fb and mobile so she doesn't have the choice to start harassing you again.

You will feel lonely because she has controlled you to the point you have no friends to tell you how awful her behaviour is. Spend more time with your partner, maybe join a swimming club or volunteer before your baby is born, then go to clubs and baby singing/massage to meet other people and make new friends. You can do this if you aren't stuck at home waiting and worrying for her to kick off again.
I know it is so so hard, especially when you are having a baby, but she's destroying your life, and she'll happily keep doing this to you, your partner and your children if you maintain contact. Some people are toxic.

Sorry to hear that you have been through this, OP.

With a mother like that it's not surprising you have anxiety.

You really would be better off without her in your life. It will make room for better people.

Have you sought medical advice re the reduced movements of baby?.

It is not your fault your mother is like this and you did not make her that way. I would stay well away from your toxic mother going forward also because she was not a good parent to you when you were growing up. She has not fundamentally altered since that time and your sister is more favoured by her too. Step away from the scapegoat role that was also assigned to you by her.

You state you do not really have anyone else. Is your man and his mother supportive of you?. Where are your sources of support here?.

She has actually done you a favour by blocking you from her FB; this saves you the job. You would not have tolerated this sort of behaviour from a friend, your mother is no different. Ultimately you should have no contact at all with her also because she could emotionally harm your child in not too dissimilar ways as to how you have been harmed.

Was her BPD diagnosis made by a professional person?.

You do not mention your dad here; is he in your life at all now?.

Do read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward and read/post on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

@AtillaTheMeerkat Yes I have an anterior placenta and he has moved so it's more awkward to feel but I've felt and seen movement today so all seems to be okay.

My mum says it was me being born that made her mentally ill so I feel like a burden anyway. Yes she was diagnosed by a psychiatrist. And no, my dad isn't in my life. My mum always convinced me he was never there and he moved away with a new family and that he wanted nothing to do with me, but now I'm starting to wonder if this is true as the one time I have seen my dad in three years when I decided to reach out to him (which made my mum fuming) my dad said none of this was true and that he'd had to block her number because she was harassing him. I haven't seen him since but I don't really know what's true or not.

And I forgot to add sorry yes my partner is very supportive and I spend most of my time together. He's moving in at the end of January so I'm hoping I'll feel a little better then.

Youve done nothing wrong. Peoples comments in your other thread were without the background. Your mother is a toxic bitch and has altered your mental state. I would cut her off completely. You deserve better.

I'm really sorry to hear this is going on. It sounds like you are the family scapegoat as everyone has a role in a dysfunctional family that is often impossible to break out of.

I think you need to take this opportunity to take a step back and go very low contact. Your mum is unlikely to change and you have to work out strategies of how to deal with her without it affecting your mental health too much.

I don't know how you want to go about that but, it may be an idea to stop discussing anything with her except the superficial. Be polite but don't give her anything to criticise you for and, if she finds something be assertive.

Perhaps think about therapy to discuss your feelings as this is it I'm afraid. You're never going to have the mother you need. She may make some changes but will probably revert back to type. The only person who can make changes here is you.

Learn and practise some stock phrases you can use with her in order to enforce boundaries. For example, 'Please don't talk to me like that. I'm going to put the phone down if you continue.' and then do exactly that. I know this may feel a bit weird but you need to protect yourself.

It's better to cut her out anyway by the sounds of it. It will probably be hard but the more time that goes on without her, the more healthy / sane you'll probably feel.

Oh, I remember your other thread. I feel for you.

Feeling alone is tough, but having someone who should care for you continually putting you down, causing you stress and just generally mistreating you is an even lonelier place.

I know it's hard because she's your mum and she's supposed to care for you. But she's not. You deserve so much better.

I don't want to upset you, but would you treat your child like this? Do you want your child to experience this?

It's good you're having therapy. I hope they will be able to help you start to come to terms with this so you can protect yourself and start unravelling the mess she's created in your head so you no longer feel guilty or responsible for nasty things others have done to you.

You did nothing wrong with the pram situation. You were trying to take the pressure off her. There was nothing wrong with what you did and you didn't deserve the reaction you got.

In time your mental health and exhaustion would both improve if you weren't trapped in this cycle with her and being subjected to manipulation and mistreatment. You need to take care of yourself and you can't do that if you're still giving her opportunities to hurt you.

I know it's not the same as family, but you know you can always talk to or email Samaritans? Even if you just want to be able to offload your worries and distress at the end of the day by emailing them and then reading a caring reply the next day. You don't have to be suicidal to talk to them. [email protected]

There's also www.elefriends.org.uk if you want to connect with others struggling with their mental health. They can cheer you on, commiserate on tough days, or offer tips on strategies for joining the groups you're looking at.

Did you ever make it to the Stately Homes threads on here?

It may not lead to friendships, but if there are adult education/leisure courses near you joining one could give you a chance to mix with people with similar interests. It would be social contact and without pressure to build friendships. Sometimes councils run them, sometimes colleges do.

Just the familiarity of seeing the same faces and getting to know them a bit can be enough for you to feel connected to others (and use it to build your confidence). Often they'll only run for a set number of weeks at a time so might be a possibility pre-baby?

They're small things, but they can break and ease the loneliness and hurt you're feeling. The bigger your world is away from your mum the better for you and your wellbeing.

I would rather have no one than someone that is so toxic in my life or the life of my DC. You have a partner she hates if I remember your old threads and she had been looking up ways to get custody of your DC in the event something happened to you as she didn't want the DC being with your partner. She is sadly causing you a lot of distress at a time you should be not having any. Your partner is supporting you as is his mum. I think you need to climb out of the fog and start focusing on yourself and your baby

It's good that you are in therapy.
You have your partner, your baby and your partner's family.
Your Mum isn't a good mum, unfortunately. It doesn't sound like she can change. Invest your time, love and future in those that can give back.
I suspect that when you are more free of your mum you will make a friend or two.

One last observation... You say you feel like a burden because your mum blames her mental health struggles on you (and what an awful, unforgivable thing to tell your child, might I add), yet she has quite clearly caused your mental health issues. Do you see that?

She brought you into this world. It was her job to care for and protect you. To make you feel loved, lovable and safe.

Instead she's left you with significant mental health issues.

It's not you who should feel guilty here. You were an innocent child.

it's always me crawling back to her.

Look, you are going to have a baby. You need to stop allowing this woman space in your life and head. No more crawling.

Of course it's hard to make new friends and so on. But you don't have much of a choice, do you? Do you want your child growing up around this chaos?

I think it's big girl pants time. Stop trying to get your mother to be something she just can't be. You need to learn to rely on yourself, and to build a network of friends who actually help you and encourage you. You can't keep this woman in your life to ruin her grandchild's mental health as well.

Think about your baby. Do you want to expose him to this fuckery?

What a sad read.

You did nothing wrong, OP. Why would you want to push your beautiful baby round in a pram that you probably wouldn't have had much say in, and which had been bought grudgingly by a woman who acts like she hates you?!

Your baby doesn't need such an awful person in their life. She will undermine you, abuse you in front of your baby, and make you believe that it's you who is the terrible mother. Absolutely cut her out of your life.

I hope you do and that this is the start of the lovely life you have always deserved.

Take care