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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Unappreciated stay at home mum

63 replies

Ontheverge96 · 10/01/2020 10:36

My partners just an arse! We have two children 20 months and 6 months and I stay home with them while he works full time. I take care of the house, kids and dog yet nothings ever enough. I do at leat 2 wash loads a day have a toddler to tidy up after and other day to day house work like hoovering/mopping doing the kitchen/bathroom.
I’m just sick of him constantly moaning about crap if he comes in from work and I haven’t washed something that he didn’t even put in the wash bin or I haven’t yet had chance to tidy the lounge because I’ve been doing teas baths bedtime then prepping his lunches and teas. It’s just wearing me down, my partner does very little he supposedly washes the pots but this happens probably 3 times a week. I know he works and I don’t expect him to do much in the house but just a bit of appreciation wouldn’t go a miss😩 he’ll ask me to go somewhere or do something for him and he genuine thinks that’s the only thing I have to do that day like the kids just get up feed their selves wash their selves get their selves dressed then the washing fairy comes in and does a load for me then washes the breakfast posts then our invisible cleaner comes in and sorts our daughters room that she trashed the night before then tidied the now wrote off living room, then before we know it the kids are cooking their lunch again and feeding their selves meanwhile I’m sat on my arse🤦🏽‍♀️ Like I think this is genuinely what he thinks I’m so sick of him coming in from work and asking what I’ve done today looking round the house turning his nose up because the 3rd wash load I didn’t quite fit in is still piled in the kitchen and the kids dinner plates are still in the sink.
I’m just ranting, being a stay at home mum is hard it’s exhausting! Just wondering if anyone else has dealt with this and how do you get them to understand? I feel like my only option is going on laundry strike for a few days and burying him alive in mucky washing🤷🏽‍♀️
Seriously tho any ideas?x

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 10/01/2020 10:42

I guess you've tried talking to him about it and he has not listened? Are you using 'I' rather than 'you' statements eg rather than 'you're always moaning, nothing is good enough for you!' you say 'when you criticise the house I feel hurt and unappreciated, I work all day without a break' type thing?

The only way you will probably make him see how hard it is with two kids that age is to make him live it though, I'd say you really want to understand each others point of view so you've arranged to do some work one weekend (I dont know if you could do some voluntary work or help a friend out with something) and he can look after the kids for a whole day and prepare all the meals and then you may be able to see it through each others eyes

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 10/01/2020 10:43

Otherwise the obvious solution is if being a SAHP isn't working that you go back to work and share the house and child work equally

Finfintytint · 10/01/2020 10:44

Put kids in nursery for one day a week and catch up on house?
He can make his own lunches and sort his own washing.

Elindab · 10/01/2020 10:46

Go away for the weekend and leave him to it, or wait until he has time off and go away for longer. He'll only figure it out when he's dumped in it without help.

Dcm74 · 10/01/2020 11:47

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.
In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.
He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.
He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door.
As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap, and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked:
“What happened here today?’”
She again smiled and answered, “You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?”
“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, ‘”Well, today I didn’t do it.”

Dcm74 · 10/01/2020 11:48

Seriously I'd arrange a few days away and let him know what it's like to do your day!

Ontheverge96 · 10/01/2020 12:15

He’s had the kids a few times all day and absolutely fuck all gets done! I come home to the house absolutely trashed and he has no explanation! I don’t want to make him sound like a shitty parent but they fend for themselves when he’s alone I’ve left them before until 3oclock and he hadn’t gave 20 month old any dinner, 6 month old wasn’t weaned yet so not an issue but you get the picture he does nothing!🤯

OP posts:
Robin2323 · 10/01/2020 12:55

@dcm74 Smile

goingroundagain · 10/01/2020 13:11

@Dcm74 ha exactly

@Ontheverge96 got one of these faulty DH's. He's off work helping me with my newborn. This involves him taking naps, whilst I see to both children and complaining if I ask him to do anything. I did ask him to make our preschoolers packed lunch sandwich and I went down and all he'd put out stuff in the side, but not made anything. He was back in bed. I assure you he is not up in the night at all. He snores through most feeds. Now he can make sandwiches for himself, but it's too hard to do it for a 3 year old. It's because he expects me to carry on as usual, despite having just given birth. I despair, he is so useless, but criticises others such as relatives for not helping. If I say anything he gets defensive and doesn't see why he should do stuff if I'm "relaxing." In a way I can deal with him being selfish but it's not nice when if I left him with DS it would be subjecting him to semi- neglect. I agree SAHM is constant crumb fighting.

12345kbm · 10/01/2020 14:11

What do you want to do OP?

Ontheverge96 · 10/01/2020 14:19

@goingroundagain
Your literally just described my partner! I’m sad for you but sort of relieved I’m not the only one🤷🏽‍♀️ Exactly the same as mine, even down to the semi neglecting the kids my OH took the kids out fir a walk a few weeks ago from 10:30 till 3:30 didn’t give 20 month old and lunch nothing not even a drink🤦🏽‍♀️ It’s ridiculous isn’t it!

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/01/2020 14:44

He will not change. You can only change how you react to him.
I would read this article:-
www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288

Is this man your partner or is he your husband?.

What do you get out of this relationship?. Would you want your children as adults to have a relationship like this, no probably not. Its actually not good enough for you either.

Zaphodsotherhead · 10/01/2020 15:24

I had one of these.

Five kids all under the age of ten, I was a SAHM, he went out to work and was absolutely certain that I did NOTHING all day. If I went out and left him with even just a couple of the kids I'd get back to devastation, baby's nappy unchanged, if he'd fed the kids he'd have given them a packet of biscuits.

And he still maintained that I did nothing. He did, once, have all the four older ones when I was in hospital having the baby, and when I came out he said 'I have no idea how you do it'. That was the only time he made any reference to me doing everything in the house and with the children and animals.

I divorced him. He gave me no help, emotional, physical or practical and I was better off on my own.

TwilightPeace · 10/01/2020 15:27

I couldn’t be with someone who looked down their nose at me.
Even if you get a job he will still do fuck all.

TheReef · 10/01/2020 15:28

So I'm presuming when he gets home he's doing 50% of all the housework and childcare then??

He's an arse

Insaneinthemembury · 10/01/2020 15:31

My DH was a bit like this, ths ONLY thing that changed it was when I went to a hen do for a whole weekend
I came back to a different guy, I was suddenly appreciated a lot more! He needs to live it for more than 24 hours to understand

AuntImmortelle · 10/01/2020 15:34

"I know he works and I don’t expect him to do much in the house"

There's your problem. Why don't you expect him to do much? Are you his mother? If he lived on his own he would have to wash his own clothes, cook his own meals and clean his own house while holding down a full time job. Why is he not expected to do anything now?

I don't get this 'he works so has a get out of jail free card' bullshit. Sorry. Have higher expectations; tell him what you expect and be prepared to walk away if he doesn't meet them. You're not his bloody skivvy.

So pull up your woman's pants and tell him his attitude is not acceptable.

SharkInfested · 10/01/2020 15:37

I absolutely don't believe he doesn't know what you do all day. He pretends he doesn't so he can feel justified in telling you you're not doing enough and issuing you with tasks.

I don't have children and I won't be having children but using my brain I can guess what a SAHP does. I know how hard it can be. I know that if you didn't do it your husband might not get those great projects/a promotion/a pay rise because he will need to take time off for sickness, school holidays, appointments, parents evening and all those things.

There's a reason that research shows when a woman has a child her career ends/stalls/goes backwards whereas when a man has a child his career flourishes. Because he is seen as settled and stable but doesn't have to take any time off/field phone calls/negotiate new working hours/all the other stuff that needs to be done and thought about.

And just to clarify I absolutely understand some women have a child and their career flourishes and some men do 50/50 with childcare, this is just what the research shows happens the majority of the time, not in each individual case.

ohwheniknow · 10/01/2020 15:51

I don’t expect him to do much in the house

Why not? Raise your expectations. It's his home and his joint responsibility. Same as the children.

OH took the kids out fir a walk a few weeks ago from 10:30 till 3:30 didn’t give 20 month old and lunch nothing not even a drink

I don’t want to make him sound like a shitty parent but they fend for themselves when he’s alone

He is a shitty parent. That's what his actions show, nothing to do with your choice of words.

Do you really want to reach your children that it's normal and acceptable to be treated this badly? Would you want your daughter being treated like this as an adult by someone who supposedly loves her?

ohwheniknow · 10/01/2020 15:54

I agree SAHM is constant crumb fighting.

Not by default. Not by necessity. Only if you have a shit partner who doesn't respect you.

Your life doesn't have to be like that.

Ayemama · 10/01/2020 15:54

If you want to stay with him then you need to make life less comfortable for him, my DH was the same around the house but does look after the kids ok when left with them.
Stop doing his washing, let it pile up and hum run out of clothes, stop buying things that are just for him like his DO, raisers, favourite snacks etc.
And definitely don't make his lunches and stop running his errands.
He thinks you do nothing all day then fine do nothing for him.

Looking after two young kids is more then a full time job on its own and that's without all the cooking and housework.
TBH the neglecting the children would be enough to make me consider leaving though

Bluntness100 · 10/01/2020 15:58

With four of you in the house, two to three loads of laundry daily seems a huge amount, how is it so much? I know it's not the point of the thread but now two adults and two little kids create up to three loads of laundry every single day is beyond me...

CosmoK · 10/01/2020 16:00

Why are you doing everything for him? He should be doing his own lunches and washing. You're a SAHM not his housekeeper.

Jackiebrambles · 10/01/2020 16:19

Yes if he was still single, living alone and working - he'd do his own washing, lunch and dinner making and cleaning up, right? He's opted out of fucking everything!!

Make that clear to him, you are a sahm so you look after the kids and kids stuff whilst he's out at work. The rest of the time he should be 50/50 in the house!

Taking a little one out and not giving lunch or a drink is ridiculous, did they not kick off because they were so hungry/thirsty??

NaviSprite · 10/01/2020 16:25

Sounds a lot like my DH during the first year of our twins life, completely useless, albeit less judgemental about the state of the house - but as soon as something wasn't done that he 'needed' he'd piss and moan. So after reasonable discussions, attempts at heart to hearts etc. I lost it a bit with him and said something along the lines of the following:

"I'm a stay at home MUM, the clue is in the name, my JOB is to look after OUR children and make sure their needs are met... last I checked your are not one of those children so my job is not to pick up after you. You're a fully grown adult so start acting like one, rather than pissing and moaning that the pots haven't been washed, or the living room isn't in order, or you can't find a clean shirt because you've left your washing upstairs on the floor for the past week, SORT IT. You're meant to be my partner, so start acting like one."

It worked to a degree and after I got that off my chest (and he was quite shocked as I'm usually non-confrontational/softly spoken and he's got a loud booming voice, I managed to out-shout him) we were able to have a more genuine conversation about how his behaviour had affected me, how it was the complete lack of support that I felt was destroying our relationship and that if he couldn't see it in himself to start acting like the adult he was - I didn't see much of a future for us.

I don't know your relationship dynamic so I don't know if the above will help in your situation, but as a PP also suggested, keep it to 'I' statements rather than 'you' statements. When you start with 'you' it will immediately put him on the defensive, if you go with 'I feel completely unappreciated and undervalued by you and this is why' - he may still get defensive, but you can say that you're only trying to explain how you feel (if that makes sense?).

I hope you get through to him and get some support as he sounds like a twattish manchild at the moment I'm afraid.