Unappreciated stay at home mum

[Ontheverge96]

My partners just an arse! We have two children 20 months and 6 months and I stay home with them while he works full time. I take care of the house, kids and dog yet nothings ever enough. I do at leat 2 wash loads a day have a toddler to tidy up after and other day to day house work like hoovering/mopping doing the kitchen/bathroom.
I’m just sick of him constantly moaning about crap if he comes in from work and I haven’t washed something that he didn’t even put in the wash bin or I haven’t yet had chance to tidy the lounge because I’ve been doing teas baths bedtime then prepping his lunches and teas. It’s just wearing me down, my partner does very little he supposedly washes the pots but this happens probably 3 times a week. I know he works and I don’t expect him to do much in the house but just a bit of appreciation wouldn’t go a miss😩 he’ll ask me to go somewhere or do something for him and he genuine thinks that’s the only thing I have to do that day like the kids just get up feed their selves wash their selves get their selves dressed then the washing fairy comes in and does a load for me then washes the breakfast posts then our invisible cleaner comes in and sorts our daughters room that she trashed the night before then tidied the now wrote off living room, then before we know it the kids are cooking their lunch again and feeding their selves meanwhile I’m sat on my arse🤦🏽‍♀️ Like I think this is genuinely what he thinks I’m so sick of him coming in from work and asking what I’ve done today looking round the house turning his nose up because the 3rd wash load I didn’t quite fit in is still piled in the kitchen and the kids dinner plates are still in the sink.
I’m just ranting, being a stay at home mum is hard it’s exhausting! Just wondering if anyone else has dealt with this and how do you get them to understand? I feel like my only option is going on laundry strike for a few days and burying him alive in mucky washing🤷🏽‍♀️
Seriously tho any ideas?x

Make that clear to him, you are a sahm so you look after the kids and kids stuff whilst he's out at work. The rest of the time he should be 50/50 in the house!

This 100%

I am a SAHM with a four year old, six month old baby and a large four bedroom house plus garden to look after.

DP says it's my job to do everything as he works hard to earn the money to pay for it all (he works Monday to Friday 9.00 to 17.30, gets a lunch break and regular coffee breaks, six weeks holiday). He says it is my job to do it all, 24/7 365 days a year. He quite happily tells his Mother that I sit on the sofa all day on my phone and do nothing (my baby is EBF).

When our baby was born DP took two weeks paternity leave. He had a nice lie in until lunchtime each day then spent every afternoon playing computer games. He would regularly go to the kitchen and help himself to drinks and snacks, never ask me if I wanted anything. His paternity leave was a two week holiday for one.

A few days ago he came down with man flu and I decided to look after him in the same way that he looked after me when I had just given birth. I have completely ignored him. Every now and again he crawls out of the bedroom to tell me that he's still alive, he hasn't died and to complain that he's not being looked after. I just laugh and tell him to call his Mother (she's retired, on her own and always complaining she has nothing to do). #Payback! I feel for you.

I would also say

‘I’m on call 24/7 I don’t get a much break or holidays, I don’t even get a wee in peace!’ I don’t get the luxury of a pay check or promotion’

‘If you want to swap I’d be happy to let you crack in, if a SAHP was an advertised job nobody would apply’

‘The baths that way, when you’ve got them dressed and into bed, we need to discuss what you can do to make a contribution to this household’

Get a cuppa and refuse to move

This is very common but are you actually making him accountable for anything to do with the kids? I think a lot of women just assume it’s their job as a sahm to sort the kids but it’s not. The other partner should still be doing things with the kids to build a bond. Stay at home mum is a full time job & he needs to understand that. Unfortunately most people will not understand unless you book a holiday for a week and have him look after them he might gain some appreciation for you. Society is very much fucked in that sense isn’t it & women are screwed after having a child in most cases.

I’m so sick of him coming in from work and asking what I’ve done today
Keep a diary of everything you do.
Every little thing.
When he asks, show him!
Also when he asks, ask HIM WTF he's done all day?
Probably sat at a desk or in meetings (unless he has a manual job).

If someone asked me that after looking after a house and 2 kids all day I would actually walk out right there and then and leave him to it.
I'd have a relaxing time with my phone switched off for a few hours then go back.
I'd do it every single time he asked.
He won't ask after you actually do that a few times. I can guarantee it!
Time to make a stand OP.
You are allowing him to do literally nothing. No responsibility at all. And he then gets to have a go!
Not a fucking chance.
Stand up for yourself.

I remember saying to my XH 'I can't even go for a wee by myself!' to which he replied 'yeah, it's pretty much the same for me at work.'

Like fuck it was. He just couldn't admit he had it easier than me. So we entered the 'competitive tiredness/amount of work done/daily difficulties' round, and he made sure I could never win.

I would also say if his job finishes at 5pm why doesn’t yours? After clock off you both should share the load.

DH would bath the kids while I cooked or he’s wash up while I read stories, we’d swap of coarse! Sometimes one would tidy up or sort washing depending on how look bath and bed took - 3 under two so plenty of time to get sorted.

Most men know how difficult being a SAHP is but use the fact that they work as a way to control the women.
Even if the woman works outside the home, these men will do very little
I would call his bluff and tell him that you are looking for a full time job , so that he can have the opportunity to ‘rest’ at home with two young children

It may not be relevant to you OP so apologies if not but it's my understanding that you are not married? What is your financial situation? Are you renting? Do you own the house? Whose name is the tenancy in?

Being an unmarried stay at home parent can be a precarious place to be financially in certain circumstances. I'd say that's particularly true when your "D"P doesn't appear to value your contribution to the family.

Make sure you protect yours and the children's interests.

I left my one of these. It's only now, over 2 years and a divorce down the line, that he kind of sees what I did although he still will never appreciate it completely as obviously it gets easier as the dc get older. Either insist things change and leave if they don't or accept it's the way things will always be

You do realise this won't change?

He has basically removed himself from any household responsibility for anything except the money.

Right now your choices are:

1. Go back to work. Yes it will be fucking expensive. Yes, it comes out of the joint income that's your wages. Yes, he STILL gets 50% of the housework, sick days and childcare just like you do.

2. Stay at home and bill him for half the childcare, cooking and cleaning. That should more than cover your contribution to the mortgage, food and utilities.

3. Accept he won't change and work on an exit plan. It's shitty being a single mother but worse still to be a single mum who is also an unpaid household slave.

@hellsbellsmelons- I like your suggestion about walking out for a few hours every time he asks her what she has been doing all day.
He will know what she’s been doing when she leaves the kids with him

So he thought having kids would equal less work for him?! Why???
I don’t have kids, work full time and still have to wash my own pants and load the dishwasher. If I had kids I’d expect to have more to do, not less.
Maybe he’s very stupid?

I would also say if his job finishes at 5pm why doesn’t yours?

Well obviously being a SAHM mum is soo darn easy, that you have to put in additional hours ( about 24 a day) to make up for lack of actually doing anything most of the time.

My DH cooked us all dinner tonight, so that makes up for doing absolutely no housework and not interacting with the kids all day. And no I don't expect him to change, but it's disappointing that he doesn't want to at least spend some time with the kids. I can understand he's not desperate to do some dusting. His general attitude is he's too busy/ tired, but apparently it's easy with a newborn and a toddler for me to do these shit single handed I of course don't get tired. Imagine me being busy ha ha. Ever tried breastfeeding DH?

Him not feeding or changing nappies when he's meant to be caring for your kids alone is neglect. I would be handing his arse to him on a plate just for that.

Let the house go to shit. No clean dishes, laundry or ironing. No food shopping for him. Do not prepare any food for him or cook for him. No sex unless you want it (you must be bloody knackered anyway). Sex only on your terms and for your pleasure only. He has absolutely no respect for you. He does not appreciate or value what you do.

I would walk out and leave him to it for a whole weekend, although I would be worried sick to leave for that long knowing my children would be neglected for that long a period. Maybe try leaving for few hours, half a day or 24 hrs instead.

Threaten to get a job and relay childcare fees to him to make his eyes water. And tell him he will then also have to share some of the household workload, including childcare drop off and pick ups.

I would seriously considering ending the relationship if he doesn't fix up sharpest.

If he can afford it, he should be giving you more than just household money to do all that. Being a parent is one of the hardest 24/7 roles in the World without having to put up with all that shit. This is why you need to have your own money. PT job if at all possible. Get back into some type of paid work as soon as you can if possible. If only just to have your own independence and to keep your foot in the door so you have well paid employment opportunities once your children are older. Surely, no one wants to a broke single parent, so put plans in place now to financially protect yourself and your children for years to come, whatever come what may. Marriage doesn't always guarantee that you'll be looked after if things go tits up.

*no one wants to be a broke single parent

Yes, he's an arse. So he's likely to try to leave you high and dry financially if you end up leaving/divorcing him.

Mine understood what it took as I went back to work when DD1 was 6 weeks old.
I do not have what it takes to be a SAHM.
I suggest going away for a full weekend so he gets a taste for things.
If this does not work, then get a job after hours and hand parenting to him in the evening.

I think you will need to have a terrible bout of bird flu and take to bed for 2 days.

2 days parenting completely solo will be illuminating for him. Once ‘recovered’ you can point out the things he’s overlooked.

It’s hard going the changing dynamics being a SAHM. Husbands seem to expect they have a ‘housewife’... mine was like yours until I got norovirus and spent 3 days puking. He went to bed for a week once I recovered saying he felt he was coming down with it too — then he finally admitted he had no symptoms but felt completely and utterly sick with exhaustion from the kids plus housework plus night waking and the relentless of it and lack of down time....

The trouble with 'leaving him to it for a weekend', if he's anything like my ex was, is that they promptly take all the kids to their mother's (or invite their mother round). MIL was DELIGHTED to pick up my shoddy, slutty, reins to reinforce her belief that I was lazy and did nothing around the house, so you'd come back to a spotless house, homecooked meals filling the freezer and the DH none the wiser as to what looking after the children involves, as mother has martyred herself to make you look even more incompetant and lazy.

Of course if you have a reasonable MIL who will tell DH to get to fuck and parent his own children, then leaving them to it can work. But in my experience the men play the 'poor me' card and have female family members queueing up to 'help out' when the poor precious is left in the lurch.

That's exactly what my DP would do - put them straight in the car and take them to MIL then the pair of them would take the kids out to the zoo or somewhere then they'd eat out too. The kids would have a lovely time and beg me to go away for the weekend again soon!

Well yes there is a difference in the life of the working parent and the stay at home parent, but where does anyone think this kind of contempt for one partner's contribution is any where near OK. This is abusive shit, fucking recognise it and put a fucking stop to it before it becomes your fucking full time fucking abused life. Excuse my language.

Thank you ladies! I think this is exactly what I needed to hear! I think I’ve made so many excuses fir him because it’s all he’s ever known he was brought up by grandparents and that’s how they live grandad sits in front of the tv with a paper and grandma kills her self running around after him but that’s a life she chose for herself not me. I think my partners in for a harsh crash to reality x

Good for you. His attitude is awful

@Bluntness100
It’s basically my partner, he wears clothes for the gym in the morning, then work clothes and then chill clothes on a night he also likes a fresh towel for his gym bag each day then another fresh towel for his bedtime shower.
The kids go through 2 outfits most days then pjs on top.
I will wear leggings/jeans twice if not dirty same with tops to try lesson the load but it all just keeps coming.