Partner says the baby and I don't make him happy enough

[Moomin8]

I gave birth 3 weeks ago to a lovely little baby girl. To cut a long story short my partner of 2 years had a history of messing me about. When I got pregnant he seemed to step up and really take care of me for 9 months. He supported me in labour and was at the birth etc. Since the baby was born he seemed to really dote on her but then in the last few days said he feels stressed about having a newborn.

We don't live together so since she was born he's been staying with me.

This morning he woke up and announced 'I'm not cut out for this. Goodness knows how you do it, Moomin' I've been doing all the night feeds. However, he does have various health problems. Later today he said that he doesn't feel that the baby and I make him happy enough to have a life with us and that 'none of us know how long we've got left' I asked him to go because I didn't want to hear any more hurtful comments.

Next week he's going back to work. I just feel so sad and betrayed, this time on our daughters behalf more than mine.

I've not spoken to him since he went home. I feel very sad and numb.

Oh I don't think I can change him. Especially not at 50. He thinks that because he's been there for me whilst I was pregnant and for the last 2 weeks or so that should be enough.

Wow, given your post, didn't expect him to be 50!

Having two grown up kids, he must have known what he was letting himself in for.

Was this a planned pregnancy?

I really don;t agree with posters who say get rid of him and get on with it alone. Mainly because I'm so fed up of hearing how many men excuse themselves from any responsibility for raising families these days, just by having a little wobble that life suddenly isn't All About Them. Force him to connect with his child. Leave the baby with him and go for a sleep or a walk for an hour, then two hours then three etc. Praise him when he is good with the baby (I know you shouldn't have to, not your job, but a bit of psychological manipulation to get him involved and shouldering 50% of the responsibility is worth a bit of effort.) Women LTB too easily these days. I think making him grow up and own his responsibilities is worth a try first.

This morning he's phoned me and now I'm just even more upset. I don't know how someone can keep chopping and changing what they say they feel. And now I can't even keep him out of my life because we have a baby together.

I don't really want to leave the baby with him. I'm not convinced that he is a stable enough person to be looking after her on his own.

He's spent years being a dick. How many second chances is he supposed to get?

You can't change him, not least of all because he has no desire to change!

Tbh op he was never going to step up, he was blowing hot and cold prior to you're pregnancy and you didnt even live together. Hes got older dc and likely thinks hes come to the part in his life where he should be enjoying life not changing nappies. I'm guessing baby was a surprise? His behaviour is appalling but it will never change. He will also dangle the carrot however he will never commit you both as a family.

I know he won't change. I'm not sure why I believed that this time would be any different.

He says he's been awake all night because he's upset. He's the one who has done this.

@Broken2020 ODFOD
You have 2020 at the end of your user name.
Yes, it is 2020 - NOT 1920!
I do despair sometimes!
So I do all the work.
I carry my child for 9 months.
I go through giving birth and I have no right to give that DC MY name?
WOW!
OK then - I'm a terrible mother!!!!!
No I'm not young.
My DD is 22 and I was happily married when I had her.
WTF happened to feminism and womens rights????
Jeez!

So sorry you are going through this OP.
I'd end it properly as well.
It will not do your DD any good to have a dad who comes and goes as he pleases because SHE isn't making HIM happy!
Men are fucking shite!!!

honestly OP he sounds a complete nightmare - what does he actually add to your life??

Hellsbells I wouldn't agree all men are shite, this one is though. OP, I'd separate, get your life back on track. There are plenty of decent men out there and you deserve to be happy single or in a new couple. He is the problem not you!

I work in a school and I would re-iterate what a previous poster has said - ladies, if you're not married to the father, then give the child your name. It will save all upset of wanting to use your name a few years down the line but only being able to use it as a 'preferred' name in school, and the original legal surname continually rearing its ugly head when you need a passport or enter an exam etc. Some children get registered with biological dad's surname, then the couple split up a year or two down the line, so child starts using mum's surname (or rather, mum starts to use her surname with reference to her child who doesn't really understand any of it) and a few years later, mum marries someone else and mum starts wanting child to use stepdad's surname. And so it goes on. Much easier just to use her name and stick with it. Child can change its own name at 16 by deed poll.

he doesn't feel that the baby and I make him happy enough

What a selfish asshole. It's not the baby's job (or yours, but especially the baby's) to make a 50 YEAR OLD GROWN MAN happy. Speechless.

@Chocmallows - absolutely - my dad is a wonderful man.
Not met any others yet though!

"my partner of 2 years had a history of messing me about. When I got pregnant "

When someone lets you know they are a fuckwit, do not breed with them.

Otherwise, you suffer 'the endless punishment of breeding with a fuckwit' (Chumplady)

Maya says it best

He is now emailing me and saying that he wouldn't dream of turning his back on his daughter. But he clearly has said to me that he's traumatised by having a small baby and that he's 'not cut out for it' and that having a baby has not made him happy. Am I going mad?

He's asking if I'm refusing him access to her. I just don't want to see him right now and I don't want him to take her either because she's a small baby and he lives an hours drive from me. Why is he doing this now? If he wanted to be here he could have stayed these last few days until going back to work next week.

He’s being a dick.
Keep every message he sends. Try to keep it all to text/ emails.

Don't leave the baby with him. Keep him out of your life and make sure you get some money out of the miserable old cunt. Sorry you are going through this OP, but things will be better the less you see of this selfish sourpus.

my partner of 2 years had a history of messing me about

Well the best prediction of future behaviour, is past behaviour.

Given his history, this was never going to end well, but I also think 50 is old too have a baby...so that could have something to do with it as well. He just can't have it, but that's not fair to you or the baby.

You generally have less patience as you get older.

Force him to connect with his child.

If I have to force a man to connect with his flesh and blood, he isn't worth it.

Give yourself a break OP. Don't engage with him now. Juts leave it for a bit.

He doesn't have nearly as much patience as I do - I had a severely autistic dd at home until she was 15 and had many many sleepless nights with her. A newborn who wakes every 3 hours just to feed is nothing in my world. I do think that he's feeling a bit beyond it all.

He's now trying to say how sorry he is - he was tired etc. His mum has apparently told him he should be ashamed of himself.