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Original poster

Partner says the baby and I don't make him happy enough

89 replies

Moomin8 · 07/01/2020 21:38

I gave birth 3 weeks ago to a lovely little baby girl. To cut a long story short my partner of 2 years had a history of messing me about. When I got pregnant he seemed to step up and really take care of me for 9 months. He supported me in labour and was at the birth etc. Since the baby was born he seemed to really dote on her but then in the last few days said he feels stressed about having a newborn.

We don't live together so since she was born he's been staying with me.

This morning he woke up and announced 'I'm not cut out for this. Goodness knows how you do it, Moomin' I've been doing all the night feeds. However, he does have various health problems. Later today he said that he doesn't feel that the baby and I make him happy enough to have a life with us and that 'none of us know how long we've got left' I asked him to go because I didn't want to hear any more hurtful comments.

Next week he's going back to work. I just feel so sad and betrayed, this time on our daughters behalf more than mine.

I've not spoken to him since he went home. I feel very sad and numb.

OP posts:
Original poster
Moomin8 · 07/01/2020 23:00

Also, how many people really feel ecstatic in the early days of meeting the needs of a newborn.

Tbh I'm so in love with the baby but I don't think he is Sad

OP posts:
milliefiori · 07/01/2020 23:00

It's not your job or your baby's to make him feel happy. That's his responsibility.

That said, men can genuinely get PND - they feel so useless and pushed out now there's a new person hogging your affection and attention, but they're not allowed to feel hostile. They;re supposed ot feel the love. But they don;t get the hormone rush we get to help them through.

If he has been agood man up until now, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt and say you understand it's a shock but you have faith he'll make a great dad, to give himself time and not worry if his emotions aren't everything he wants them to be. He'll need someone else to support him properly if he does have PND as your hands really are full. But he's not necessarily a complete waste of space. Give him a chance. Just one.

lisag1969 · 07/01/2020 23:06

He's a narcissist. Can't take it. It's not all about him. X

Whathewhatnow · 07/01/2020 23:10

Male PND my absolute arse.
This guy is avoidant at best, a complete deadbeat at worst ..

So if things were ideal all would be fine?? Way to dodge reality....

ArranUpsideDown · 07/01/2020 23:17

This might be what your partner claims but I hope that you know that it's a profound statement about him and his unease with himself and says nothing at all about you and your DD.

If he's messed you about for 2 years do you feel that there is potential for a stable relationship within which you can raise your DD together?

If so, there may well be a lot of negotiation in your near future so that he has an opportunity to get over himself and function like a good partner and father.

If not, then you may still need to face a lot of negotiation and discussion wrt his responsibilities for your DD.

I'm so sorry that you're facing these early weeks alone when it's not what you expected. I hope that there is a good resolution for you and DD.

katy1213 · 07/01/2020 23:19

He's 50? Well, not much hope of him ever growing up if he hasn't by now. I think I'd wish him all the happiness he so clearly deserves and kick him out on his arse. Then enjoy all the first cuddles and kisses and first steps and words and first pushes on the swings and everything else and leave the miserable middle-aged git to rot. But make damn sure he pays maintenance because your baby isn't a hobby that he tried for a while and then dropped.

Original poster
Moomin8 · 07/01/2020 23:48

He's always gone through phases of saying he doesn't love me and then goes through another phase of saying he does really love me and he didn't mean that Hmm

Obviously the above sentiment would be even more damaging to our daughter.

He has said that he will be paying maintenance.

OP posts:
beenwhereyouare · 07/01/2020 23:54

He's an ass. Full stop.

Flowers to you, though.

CrotchetyQuaver · 08/01/2020 00:04

I'd get him paying child support for HIS CHILD and resign yourself to doing it all on your own.
He sounds dreadful, you'll be better off without him. I'm absolutely appalled and I'm older than he is. What a selfish shit he is.

PickAChew · 08/01/2020 00:10

He sounds like an absolute arse. You need to put satisfying his childish whims right at the bottom of your never happening list.

Butterymuffin · 08/01/2020 00:16

Bet he doesn't feel ecstatic every day when he goes to work, but he does it anyway as he doesn't want to live on fresh air. Caring for his child, similarly, is a responsibility. He doesn't get to say 'oh, but I don't like getting up in the night, it doesn't make me happy'. That really is stupid of him.

Chocmallows · 08/01/2020 00:17

He has shown who he is. You can carry on for a week, month, years more...Or you can decide it's not enough. Call it out for what it is, he is not making you happy as he is not a stable partner. Your happiness counts too!!

OrangeLindt · 08/01/2020 00:21

Leave him to rot and make a life for your daughter. My Ex walked out when my son was a few weeks old and has not changed one bit, selfish through and through. You deserve the best and your DD is lucky to have you for her mummy. Congratulations !

iswhois · 08/01/2020 00:33

Fuck him off the trash has taken itself out

Broken2020 · 08/01/2020 00:38

@Babybel90 As he’s not even living with you I wouldn’t have given her his surname but it’s too late now I suppose.

WTH? A child having their father's surname is about what is right for them not the mother! It's for the child's sake.

Children should always have their father's surname in my personal opinion, unless in extreme or extenuating circumstances; such as sperm donors or the father is a danger to the child. It is the one link they have to their father. If kids always had mummy's surname then that would push fathers even further out of the picture, surely?
As for Parental Responsibility, that can be awarded by a court after the fact anyway, so avoiding giving the father's surname just to keep a lazy man you don't particularly 'like' from having PR is allllll kinda of selfish. Just wrong

TheSheepofWallSt · 08/01/2020 00:45

I had a similar experience with DS’ father who was 51 when DS was born, has serious health issues (developed them whilst I was pregnant) and was just... utterly not bovved about the baby. Or supporting me. DS was his first child and it was a massive culture shock, and “as an artist” he just wasn’t used to putting other people first. He also I suspect is on the autistic spectrum and has some PTSD from a nasty childhood... it was rough.

We separated when DS was 9 months, because the stress of managing a small baby and a grown man with serious issues, was hugely exacerbating my Post Natal Anxiety and triggering OCD (which I hadn’t had issues with for years).

Anyway, DS is now 3 and they have developed a really tight bond - I moved out of London to the north, and exDP comes up once a month for 3-5 days, and 3-4 times a year stays for 10 days or so. During his visits, I make sure that exDP does the majority of day to day care, that I spend time sleeping/ seeing friends/ reading etc- all the stuff I don’t do as a working lone parent.

Sadly my personal relationship with exDP is no more than cordial- it’s certainly not a friendship any more (although we speak almost every day so I can keep him connected to DS and his life, but not really about anything personal).
I think I’ve made the best fist of it I could- but its been bloody hard.

I tell you all of this because... well. I’ve been there. Where you are now. And I say have low expectations of your baby’s father, and hope to be pleasantly surprised. Certainly don’t expect support- it’s so devastating when it doesn’t materialise.

And enjoy your baby and this magical time for the two of you.

Topseyt · 08/01/2020 01:00

He's 50!!! He sounds more like he's about 15!

What a pathetic man, who obviously thinks he is such a prince. I think you will be better off without him if he is going to behave like such an arse.

Ruderidinghood · 08/01/2020 01:01

I am sorry you are going through this OP. Unfortunately you can't force him. It sounds like you really want him to be part of things, which is upsetting but honestly I would just get on with it and not count on him.

As for him not calling to say good night to the baby I think you're clutching. The baby doesn't know whether he is saying good night or not, and he has made it clear he doesn't want anything to do with raising her. I am sorry it sounds harsh but you have to face facts - you are on your own. He may call again once he has caught up on sleep and had a break, but you need to think about whether you can handle the on/off in/out business.

Get CMS involved and I would kick him to the curb. It's hard bec it's a sensitive time and upi probably just want to be a family but he sounds over it.

Keep going you can do it.

madcatladyforever · 08/01/2020 01:04

I'd say well fuck off then and then make sure you claim maximum maintenance.
My son's father was the same and to be honest it was easier bringing him up alone than with a millstone tied round my neck.

Scott72 · 08/01/2020 01:05

Its too soon to write him off. He might just be having some kind of temporary anxiety attack. Give him a bit of time and see if he comes good.

MsDogLady · 08/01/2020 01:45

You and the baby don’t make him happy enough?

It sounds like this entitled emotional abuser is going to treat the baby the same way he has treated you for years. On/off, hot/cold. I recall that during your pregnancy he ping-ponged between saying he was happy and claiming that his life was now ruined and it was your fault.

I would minimize his opportunities to damage my child. End the relationship once and for all, claim maintenance, and formalize any contact with the court.

sofato5miles · 08/01/2020 02:10

A child should ALWAYS have a father's surname? Pfft Hmm internalised patriarchy right there. So the child should have a different name to its mother? In the case of absent, feckless fathers that is just HUGELY insulting. And a permanent reminder to the child that they bear the name of someone who abandoned them.

It is not pushing father's out of the picture when they don't take their responsibilities on.

managedmis · 08/01/2020 02:15

Safe to say he's a flake I think

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 08/01/2020 02:50

He's always gone through phases of saying he doesn't love me and then goes through another phase of saying he does really love me and he didn't mean that

Why did you decide to have a child with him and then give him the surname?

I'd just make arrangement to be a single parent. Do you know his salary? You can enter it into the Calculator and it will tell you how much he needs to pay per month.

AgentJohnson · 08/01/2020 04:46

He’s always been this guy but for some reason you have refused to acknowledge it.

He will continue to mess you and your DD about because it’s who he is and because you will allow him to.

Stop surrendering him the power to mess you and your DD about. To paraphrase the great Malcom Tucker, he needs to ‘Step the fuck up or fuck the fuck off’. Those are his only options, don’t afford him his preferred third, of the revolving door in and out of you and your DD’s life.

Man babies aren’t born, they are enabled, usually by women who think they have the power to change men.

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