HELP I don't know if I'm completely out of order or it's both of us?

[namechange4eva]

Fell out with DP. I was in the wrong. I've apologised. As per usual whenever I do apologise he just made catty comments and is staying at his parents tonight because he 'can't bear to look at me never mind be in the same house'.

He apologises I forgive him. I understand I was wrong but we have children and I don't think it's right he just ups and leaves because he's annoyed at me. I don;t leave (not that I could). He says I never take any responsibility for my actions...surely apologising is doing that? I am wracking my brain to think how him apologising is taking responsibility but me doing the same is not? Fair enough, I didn't give him a big spiel but I felt if I said anything other than 'I'm sorry' it would seem I was minimising or making excuses (the reason isn't important, it's literally any time I apologise for anything).

I 100% take responsibility for this fall out, but now I'm so mad he is doing this. Someone please ground me, give me a shake.

Depends on what happened, but sounds like your relationship needs a bit of work. Maybe you need to both spend some more time together, or see a counsellor? Best of luck.

Hence why after him saying something not nice he says 'Im just telling you my feelings' because I made a big deal about being able to express our feelings to each other.

Is he genuinely expressing feelings or using it as a way to be nasty and attack you?

I think pumpkin's suggestion Is probably a useful one for you to evaluate what's going on here and whether you're in a cycle of tit for tat or whether it's a different dynamic.

Your comments about his "temper" and some other aspects are concerning.

Thanks Rebel.

I have just read about FOG and what an eye opener that has been! My god. My whole life from start to finish has been a train wreck. Please tell me people can be happy??? My poor children having parents like us not getting on. Will they be able to escape? They will hate me. No idea what a healthy lifestyle is.

One thing that occurred to me was that these rows apparently get him a night off parenting — you say he did it semi-regularly (storming out to his parents overnight) in the past, then a hiatus, then twice in a fortnight. Is there a chance that this is why he refuses to accept your apologies, OP? Because it gives him an excuse to storm off and have a nice night to himself, leaving the OP carless and at home with their children?

I don't actually know. Questioning everything right now. I will be back on tomorrow. Feel like absolute shit and more confused than when I started the thread x

Hope you get some rest tonight OP.

@namechange4eva, questioning things is something I should have done much sooner in my own relationship with stbxh of 20 years. I instigated a separation a few weeks ago and although the fallout was uncomfortable for me to say the least, I have zero doubts that I have done the right thing. As part of my questioning the relationship (over a period of a couple of years) the following books (as well as seeing a counsellor on my own) were invaluable to me -

Lundy Bancroft "Why Does He Do That?"
Patricia Evans "Controlling People", "The Verbally Abusive Relationship"

Think of it as a fact finding mission!

Oh op. I've had that scales falling from eyes experience and it's horrible. I think maybe you need counselling for you. And give yourself time to process the FOG stuff. There is no rush to do anything now....

What @QuentinWinters said much more eloquently than I managed! Gather and process the information at your own pace - there's no rush to act one way or the other until you feel comfortable to do so.

I think he is using this upping and leaving to punish you. I would not put up with it. However many kids you have, add one because your partner behaves like one