Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP I don't know if I'm completely out of order or it's both of us?

85 replies

namechange4eva · 07/01/2020 17:32

Fell out with DP. I was in the wrong. I've apologised. As per usual whenever I do apologise he just made catty comments and is staying at his parents tonight because he 'can't bear to look at me never mind be in the same house'.

He apologises I forgive him. I understand I was wrong but we have children and I don't think it's right he just ups and leaves because he's annoyed at me. I don;t leave (not that I could). He says I never take any responsibility for my actions...surely apologising is doing that? I am wracking my brain to think how him apologising is taking responsibility but me doing the same is not? Fair enough, I didn't give him a big spiel but I felt if I said anything other than 'I'm sorry' it would seem I was minimising or making excuses (the reason isn't important, it's literally any time I apologise for anything).

I 100% take responsibility for this fall out, but now I'm so mad he is doing this. Someone please ground me, give me a shake.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange4eva · 07/01/2020 19:28

Bumblebee thats my worry and why I started the thread. Feel the only one who has actual responsibility for the children. But, I know on this occasion I have been wrong and the leaving situation has to be dealt with as it's not healthy for anyone.

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 07/01/2020 19:35

Bumblebee that's my worry and why I started the thread. Feel the only one who has actual responsibility for the children.

I would have to agree... his storming off into the night does not inspire confidence.. no matter what the circumstances are.. there are children in the home.. and he does not consider them his responsibility ... it's all about him.. and I understand why you're now concerned about where this leaves your relationship long term. Flowers

BercowsFlamingoFlownSouth · 07/01/2020 19:43

My exH used to do this if we fell out. My mum used to be furious that his dad let him just run back "home" when we had babies. He needs to grow up and realise he can't do that now he's a dad. Imagine if you did the same?!
It didn't end well. It was the start of a very emotionally abusive marriage. I'd start thinking about your future and if you want to continue a life like this.

Monty27 · 07/01/2020 19:44

He's punishing you for airing your feelings. It would seem that's unacceptable to him. He's a bit of a gaslighter?
He needs a kick up the arse. Metaphorically obviously.

Dogladyxo · 07/01/2020 19:50

I agree with a lot of the PP have no idea what's going on since the beginning details were so vague it's hard to follow along

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2020 19:55

should I leave my home and let the kids fend for themselves

If he shouts abuse st you, and you feel he's a capable parent, which I assume you do, then if you wish to leave for the night I see no issue with you doing the same thing and leaving the kids with him whilst you stay elsewhere.

In fact I'd recommend it, much better for the kids than to be in a toxic environment.

IAmBeatrixKiddo · 07/01/2020 19:57

So this grown man walks out when you have a row to stay with his parents? Wow, that's pathetic.

I'd be furious about that too OP.

KTJean · 07/01/2020 20:02

I wonder what would have happened if the OP had explained in a calm and rational voice that she was feeling unsupported, she did not think this was fair because she had supported her partner in the past and still did and she found his behaviour selfish.

Original poster
namechange4eva · 07/01/2020 20:12

Bluntness he decided not to come home after work, a day later. I would have thought if he was so concerned he may have tried to relocate either myself or the children. Not leave them with me as I am so horrid, my apology must have sent alarm bells ringing.

Look, I know I haven't given a step by step account of our argument but thats our personal business. How many times do mumsnet threads appear in either morning tv, social media or rag newspapers? (No thank you) Was asking about the leaving/unfair balance with apologies. If it was something horrific I would understand it and state that (similarly would not give a script and not sure why people would want it?).

I appreciate all comments and will decide whether to stop apologising/start leaving my children/blame myself for not only my actions but others actions, in due course.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange4eva · 07/01/2020 20:13

KT I have done that in the past.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange4eva · 07/01/2020 20:15

Hence why after him saying something not nice he says 'Im just telling you my feelings' because I made a big deal about being able to express our feelings to each other.

OP posts:
Mary1935 · 07/01/2020 20:22

Hi is he actually staying at his parents house.
I don’t agree with his actions. Is he pressing your buttons deliberately to get a reaction so he can clear off.
It’s not a helpful reaction from him.
Counselling would be a way forward hopefully.

FuckKnowsMate · 07/01/2020 20:24

He sounds like a dick tbh OP. And next time he decides to up and leave I would tell him not to bother coming back.
There is no need for the ins and outs of your argument, sounds like general rship rows where one gets snappy and takes it out on the other bla bla bla. The underlining issue imo is him just walking away from his responsibilities to his children. Not just once either but he clearly has a habit of it.

KTJean · 07/01/2020 20:36

namechange yes of course you have, because that is the reasonable starting point. The shouting that he is a selfish dick is having got to the point of utter and absolute desperation to be heard. And yet, because it involved shouting and an insult to him, then you become the one in the wrong.

You see, you had two choices, possibly three -

1 - continue saying the reasonable things you were saying (and he continued to be ignored)
2 - say what you were saying with a louder volume and in a completely uncontrolled manner because you have lost patience and are fed up of being ignored (which I think is different to using verbal abuse and shouting as a means of control)
And 3 - tell him if he cannot listen and support you, then actually you need to attend counselling and possibly separate.

So maybe my question should have been what would have happened if you had done option 3 and not 2.

I guess I am trying to say that your reaction whilst not ideal was understandable, and instead of reacting to the content, he has reacted to the manner of delivery to put you in the wrong, even though you have apologised. Either way you are at option 3, I think, and I think as you have apologised about the manner of delivery of what you said, the focus should be on the content, not him punishing you.

KTJean · 07/01/2020 20:37

*and he continued to ignore - not be ignored!

Original poster
namechange4eva · 07/01/2020 20:41

Thanks fuckknows and as I have said, that is my issue. I feel we are left which does get to me, obviously. More so because I likely have abandonment issues which are not his fault in any way. Maybe we are just not compatible. I would be heartbroken but not overly surprised, we both come with baggage.

Thanks Mary. No idea if he actually is. I don't get on with his Mum (I do his Dad) as I feel (well, we both feel) she doesn't like me as she had tried for a long time to help him and he didn't seek any help until I came along and she has always been rather overly protective with him out of all his siblings and appears a bit jealous. I take no pleasure in saying that, just trying to explain why I can't ask her.

God, we all sound so messed up. I get people's scepticism.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange4eva · 07/01/2020 20:43

Thank you KT and I think you are right. I feel I'm at number 3.

OP posts:
Kimbo180 · 07/01/2020 20:47

He keeps doin this so youl kiss hes arse for him to come hone.. you need to change the habit.. get your emotions out of the way and tell him..... he does this again hes not getting back in and stick to it.

lovelypumpkin · 07/01/2020 20:55

I think the walking out is very controlling I think and leaving you with dc and no transport as he has the car (is that right?) is irresponsible.

You indicate that you think that you need to manage your emotions better, hence the apologies, but I think it is worth you sitting down and working out to what extent your outbursts are linked to the relationship/not having processed your feelings connected to what has happened in the relationship in the past, and if so have a look at relationship FOG ie fear, obligation and guilt - which would explain why some of your posts on here are a bit unclear - because you haven't fully processed things re past problems in your relationship. Or it might not be. You could try writing out your relationship in chrono order, what happened when, and then read through and see if more connections are obvious, or you could then talk it through with Relate on the phone as they may have some insights about your emotional outbursts, the relationship, your options, etc, and if the outbursts are not related to the relationship past, what they are related to.

SoTiredTonight · 07/01/2020 21:03

Unless you are being a total bitch - and I mean TOTAL bitch, unreasonably, having goes over nothing, being hard to live with whilst he is trying to keep the peace, then I feel he is wrong to remove himself from the situation. If he left to stop things from escalating, so be it. To run to his parents sounds incredibly immature and actually hugely passive aggressive. Has it always been like this? How long have you been together? How old are the kids? And are they your DCs with him?

Original poster
namechange4eva · 07/01/2020 21:05

Thank you pumpkin, that is very helpful (also thank you kimbo!)

I have never heard of FOG and will look into it. Thanks again everyone.

OP posts:
lovelypumpkin · 07/01/2020 21:10

No worries - my post wasn't awfully clear either so hopefully you got the gist. I meant "and" talk to Relate not "or".

Original poster
namechange4eva · 07/01/2020 21:19

Sotired, we have been together for years. both his and my DC. And yes he used to do it a lot but past year or so it's changed (or I thought it had!) as I am no longer speaking to his mum after she said some nasty things to me after he went there following an argument. I know how that sounds. Anyway, he was really mad at her but I encouraged him not to fall out with her because its his mum so now I just don't see her and think without her interference its helped.

It isn't as bad as that sounds. He just spoke to his mum being upset and she unleashed her real opinion of me.

OP posts:
RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 07/01/2020 21:31

If my DH fucked off overnight because of a row, leaving the kids, he would find the doors bolted against him on his return and would have to do some pretty intense apologising himself before I let him in again. Big ole baby running away from home - fuck that.

Original poster
namechange4eva · 07/01/2020 21:49

Thanks rebel. Thats what I feel but as it was my fault we fell out, I needed some perspective. Funnily enough when I went to our room last week to avoid an argument he said I was 'scurrying away upstairs'. I believed that was me trying to avoid confrontation, not this after I apologised.

Don't want to put all blame on him. Just think we are mismatched. Scary to consider when you have a whole life together with children.

OP posts: