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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP I don't know if I'm completely out of order or it's both of us?

85 replies

namechange4eva · 07/01/2020 17:32

Fell out with DP. I was in the wrong. I've apologised. As per usual whenever I do apologise he just made catty comments and is staying at his parents tonight because he 'can't bear to look at me never mind be in the same house'.

He apologises I forgive him. I understand I was wrong but we have children and I don't think it's right he just ups and leaves because he's annoyed at me. I don;t leave (not that I could). He says I never take any responsibility for my actions...surely apologising is doing that? I am wracking my brain to think how him apologising is taking responsibility but me doing the same is not? Fair enough, I didn't give him a big spiel but I felt if I said anything other than 'I'm sorry' it would seem I was minimising or making excuses (the reason isn't important, it's literally any time I apologise for anything).

I 100% take responsibility for this fall out, but now I'm so mad he is doing this. Someone please ground me, give me a shake.

OP posts:
Hercwasonaroll · 07/01/2020 18:08

OP if you are as vague to him as your replies on this thread are, I'm not surprised he's a little frustrated. I don't understand who is apologising and what for anymore!

YasssKween · 07/01/2020 18:17

I'm not saying this is the case with you AND (most importantly I don't have kids) but if an argument with previous partners is escalating, I will sometimes say calmly I'm not willing to keep talking about it until we've calmed down.

I am willing to walk out if they don't respect that. As I say that's different when you have kids but I'm just saying people aren't always being cowards and running away, sometimes they're trying to avoid further escalation for both peoples good.

Without being there it's impossible to know really which party is the aggressor - one or both - in a specific situation.

Whynosnowyet · 07/01/2020 18:20

Great pack a bag for the dc and send the with him. He can't choose when he parents.
Announce its a sleepover!!

TooManyPlatesInMotion · 07/01/2020 18:20

I think the disappearing act and leaving you with the kids is a dick move tbh regardless of the argument. Confusing for the kids and not fair on them.

Herpesfreesince03 · 07/01/2020 18:21

If he’s constantly getting snapped at because you’re in a bad mood, then I don’t blame him from wanting some space from you for the night. If you want him to stop leaving and you want the children to stop noticing then stop being a bitch to him! Is he meant to put up with abuse with no reaction or retaliation just because you eventually apologise? And it’s not like he’s abandoning you and the kids for weeks on end, he’s taking a time out for the night from your temper

FuckKnowsMate · 07/01/2020 18:22

Fair enough @YasssKween but he can calm down in another room or go out. for a walk and come home after an hour or so. To actually up and leave when you have kids is not on and I say that as someone who USED to go back to my parents when me and DP had fallings out. DP used to hate it and it was childish so I would never do it anymore. Throwing kids in the mix and still leaving is downright selfish imo.

Original poster
namechange4eva · 07/01/2020 18:25

Sorry I am not (entirely) meaning to be vague (partially incase it's outing), it's literally just cross words. I shouldn't have taken my own personal issues out on him, I should have just asked him to be more supportive but I was accusatory which hardly makes a good atmosphere. It's the leaving and the unbalance between us, details aren't important unless I had been waaaay out of line then I'd understand it.

Not exactly a perfect relationship when it comes to conflict management.

To the PP that asked, he has tried to a certain extent, really is much better which is probably why he's so annoyed. But if the situation is to do with someone he doesn't like, for example my parents (which was my gripe at the time) or my ex he just doesn't care. Suppose I just want him to care because he cares about me even if he doesn't like them? (No one has done anything directly to him btw, he doesn't like them because how he perceives they have treated me - even when I don't agree).

OP posts:
YasssKween · 07/01/2020 18:26

Yep agree @FuckKnowsMate as I said when there are kids it's unacceptable. Just saying I get the psychology of it sometimes being about more than cowardice and more about stopping further escalation. Not ok to walk out with kids there though.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/01/2020 18:32

Its quite punishing of him to just walk out.
You've apologized for "having a go at him" but he can't accept it?
Without knowing what you had a go at him for, or how snappish you were really being, its hard to comment - but going on what you've said so far it does seem a total over reaction.
If it is an over reaction why are you accepting the Bad Guy role so readily? You seem very willing to condemn yourself, or is that how he is presenting it?
Its a bit confusing really.
It takes two sides to make an argument, however you are being portrayed (or accepting the role) as the aggressor, but I think he is also aggressive for saying he can't be in the same room as you.
That's really childish and very poor behavior in front of your DCs. He really doesn't seem to be considering the effect it might have on them at all - to have their father unable to solve an argument without storming out back to his parents.
He's old enough to have a proper discussion with you about the issues without walking out. Walking out, whoever's "fault" the argument is, is a bit of a threat really.. like saying if you don't agree with me I'm gone. Its telling you that in the future you shouldn't take an argument further than he wants or he will walk. Which is really just telling you that you'd better behave or else.
Perhaps you should sign him up for marriage guidance so that these things can be fully discussed without him walking out.

Original poster
namechange4eva · 07/01/2020 18:33

Herpes, he isn't constantly getting snapped at. He is much more 'snappy' in general, I just don't cause a big fuss every time and I do accept his apology. He is not bound to me and is free to leave (as in, end the relationship) or talk things over if he wishes. He just doesn't and I now can;t talk to him because he's in a bad mood, made snide comments after I've tried to rectify things so I don't feel I should be chasing it and apologising more if he can't listen in the first instance. I will not beg him to come home. Everyone has given me a lot to think about though, so thank you all. I will re-examine my own behaviour and also if I am able to continue while knowing that he may disappear at the drop of a hat.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange4eva · 07/01/2020 18:37

Duckbilled I think counselling is a good idea so we both feel listened too.

I wasn't just snappy, I snapped and was shouting at him which is why I am taking responsibility. It was really just the leaving that gets to me. I had apologised before he decided to stay away and we both had had a chance to sleep on it, that's what I don't understand (sorry don't know how to tag people yet).

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange4eva · 07/01/2020 18:39

~And I know how bad it it shouting at someone, I'm not condoning it. Again it's just I will listen and accept an apology when it's the other way about. I do not want to make a habit of shouting. Definitely going to look into marriage counselling.

OP posts:
YasssKween · 07/01/2020 18:51

Will the kids be able to hear all the shouting OP? Just because I think if the frequency of these shouty arguments is increasing then it must be very unsettling for them.

KTJean · 07/01/2020 18:51

So you were feeling upset and wanting to have a moan about something, he did not want to listen and be supportive, because he never is; you got annoyed with the lack of support bearing in mind that he left you with the DC in the last two weeks, shouted that he was a selfish dick and maybe some more and you both went to bed without speaking. He left this morning without speaking, you apologised and he has just left you with the children?

I think some kind of counselling is a good idea because there are communication issues but I would also be wary because going off and leaving the children is not acceptable really, unless it is the only way of ensuring that the situation does not deteriorate in which case he should communicate with you that is why he is staying away and how he hopes to address things. I am sorry if I missed what reason he gave.

KTJean · 07/01/2020 18:53

Oh yes, he said he cannot bear to look at you or be in the same house, sorry it was in the OP. I think that is actually pretty mean and intended to punish you.

I could just about understand if he was not wishing things to get worse and he communicated with you but his comments actually completely devalue you. That would be difficult for me to come back from.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2020 18:58

The not wishing to go into detail is making this very hard to help with op. We know you shouted st him, we know you insulted him, we know you called him names, but we don't really know why, how long it went on for, so it's hard to know if him walking out is justified or not.

If my husband was shouting st me and calling me names, then said sorry, depending on the severity I might also tell him to shove it up his arse and leave for the night. And I'd be damned if anyone on mumsnet told me I had to forgive the prick accept the apology and stay.

Bluntness100 · 07/01/2020 19:00

Surprised st some of these comments, if a woman posted her husband was shouting abuse at her, the advice would be to get the kids and get out, not accept the apology and play nice.

KTJean · 07/01/2020 19:04

Yes, but he has not taken the kids has he? He has left OP with them.

Original poster
namechange4eva · 07/01/2020 19:04

Thanks KT. Yeah, I would also understand that. If he just said 'I need some space as I think things may escalate' then fine. But he decide this while at work and after I had apologised. I am just going through some things and feel unsupported and not listened to so I over reacted in the first instance by shouting. I'm very over sensitive when I feel someone doesn't care/respect/listen. That is my issue and not his. The leaving just makes it worse. If he wants to talk I will suggest counselling x

OP posts:
Original poster
namechange4eva · 07/01/2020 19:07

I understand what you are saying Bluntness. He has shouted at me many times, has always had a really bad temper but has really been trying past few years and genuinely has worked at it. Perhaps thats half my issue as I can;t believe I forgave so much then his reaction to me. Not perfect and help is definitely needed for us.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 07/01/2020 19:10

Yes, but he has not taken the kids has he? He has left OP with them

Likely because in this instance it's better for the kids.

Op, you can't play tit for tat. You put up with his abuse so he should take yours. He's right not to take it. You shouldn't either if he does it again.

But yes the two of you need to work this out. It doesn't matter who is verbally attacking who. It needs to stop, and as a pp said. Sorry doesn't make it ok.

powow · 07/01/2020 19:11

Pack the kids bags and drop them where he’s effed off to. Why does he get to walk out on parenting? You don’t do that. Next time he’s in the wrong though, you’d better do the same treatment. Pack a bag and go stay in a hotel for the night saying “I can’t bear to look at you right now”

Greenmum2019 · 07/01/2020 19:12

I can completely relate to this. My ex relationship of 8 years was built on this fear of him storming off...
It was such a simple and small part of us but it really set the balance off. Made me just worry and focus on him untill.one day I said don't come back. He was so shocked. Then k had a week to myself and realised how toxic that dynamic was.

This so Def a habit that needs breaking. He doesn't get to just leave and have space and you carry the load at home with the kids. That's just selfish. Whatever the cause of the spat.

Original poster
namechange4eva · 07/01/2020 19:24

Thanks greenmum andpowow x

Again bluntness (your name suits you heehee), it's not acceptable. But what is an apology for? Should I have just not apologised as its meaningless? I have already explained he's been rather mean in return after me doing so, should I leave my home and let the kids fend for themselves? How is his behaviour in return ok if it's not ok for me to unreasonably react but ok for him? I didn't set out to shout. I reacted. He was not aggressive but dismissive. Why am I so bad but you excuse his behaviour?

Anyway. I know I was at fault and also know this is not a good situation in general. Everyone has given me a good insight in different ways (even you Blunty Grin )

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 07/01/2020 19:25

Nice he gets to abandon his entire family because he feels pissed off.. what a charming man.. I wouldn't depend on him long term Confused