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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband can't get over my past

62 replies

Kidsdub · 07/01/2020 13:40

My DH had yet another argument about my past sexually partners I had more than him. Over the years when this subject came up he'd say u never mention him so like how many have u had ? I get defensive etc and we'd argue and eventually get over it. It always comes up again and again he'd say u never mention that one. Lately we have not been getting on but I thought we were getting on better than this comes up again. Again he says I lied and never mentioned that one, I've only had 7 boyf before him but he'd had only 2. He is saying I'm a liarer and it's not how many it's the lying. We are together 17 years and not once has he had trust issues in out relationships I've never once been untrustworthy. Hes now saying he can't believe me and cant move on. I dont think I've lied but because he makes me feel awful I may have but thought I told him everyone.

OP posts:
queenie6687 · 07/01/2020 13:41

Just don't tell him or mention them, it's very immature bringing up what happened before you knew each other!

Lifecraft · 07/01/2020 13:43

Tell him that if he mentions you past sexual partners ever again, he'll be joining the list. None of his business anyway.

Aderyn19 · 07/01/2020 13:43

Ltb. What he's doing is abusive. Your life before you met him is none of his business and he's using it as a stick to beat you with - it's controlling and nasty and imo it won't get better.

userxx · 07/01/2020 13:46

Your past has nothing to do with him.

Postmanbear · 07/01/2020 13:48

Why are you even talking about things that happened 17 years ago? I don’t think I ever discuss ex boyfriends from that long ago.
Either way tell him you are not going to discuss it anymore and refuse to get drawn into the conversation.

pointythings · 07/01/2020 13:48

Just tell him once and for all that it is none of his business and not to bring it up again. His insecurity is for him to deal with, not for you to appease.

If he doesn't quit it, dump him.

HannaYeah · 07/01/2020 13:49

Some people seem have a strong jealous reaction to even thinking that their partner had any relationship before them. It’s not rational at all.

My husband is like that. He doesn’t get mad at me, he just hates the whole idea and I can see it twists him into knots. He knows it’s irrational. He’s not jealous of men I’m around now, friends, coworkers, etc. He trusts me completely.

So I just don’t talk about exes. My life is with him, I don’t mind limiting the discussion about past relationships. And I actually find it kind of sweet. If I want to talk about something that involved an ex, a trip or whatever, I just leave out the ex. And frankly he knows I’m doing that. If I needed to talk about something important I’d just let him know “this is about an ex and I know you don’t like to think about that but I need to talk about it.”

Herpesfreesince03 · 07/01/2020 13:49

Why’d you think this is even an issue for him? Is he normal jealous/possessive?

Kaykay066 · 07/01/2020 13:50

Run far away
What does it matter who you were with before him? My current boyfriend has never asked me how many etc or is slightest bit interested because it’s who we are with now that matters.
Your DH is looking for a reason to end it. And this is all he has. I suggest you refuse to discuss it with him any further and tell him it’s none of his business. And doubt I’d remember who I’d been with 17 year ago - it has no bearing on your relationship now except for his ridiculous behaviour

Thetellyisjelly · 07/01/2020 13:51

He’s an abuser and hoping for a stick to beat you with later.
Storing ammunition.
Bin him before he destroys you.

HannaYeah · 07/01/2020 13:52

Him calling you a liar is another matter! That’s really not OK.

Try to talk to him and see if he’s just being an idiot. Tell him it’s not OK that he’s obsessing about this to the point of getting angry with you.

Has he got other stress or insecurities causing him to suddenly hung up on this?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/01/2020 13:52

You've been dealing with this shit for 17 years? I wouldn't tolerate it for 17 minutes. Your husband is an abusive twat.

BumbleBeee69 · 07/01/2020 13:58

He's jealous controlling filth.. kick him out OP. do not tolerate this crap.

BaileysMadeMeDoIt · 07/01/2020 13:58

I've been married 33 years. DH and I have never had a conversation about how many sexual partners we had before we met. We both know we have exes, and I know who the one before me was, but that's about it. I can't see the point of dwelling on the past. He's just an abuser looking for an excuse to abuse.

Nicolastuffedone · 07/01/2020 13:59

Been married almost 30 years, I don’t know anything about his sex life before me, nor he about mine. Neither of us care what happened before we met each other. Tell him you refuse to discuss it any more with him, after 17 years what more is there to say??

Shoxfordian · 07/01/2020 14:05

I've had more sexual partners than my husband. He's never asked me how many or for any details.

Your husband is jealous and it's not ok
Don't put up with it

MyOwnSummer · 07/01/2020 14:14

Red flag. Why on earth would you mention any ex bfs? The reason you don't talk about them to him is because it doesn't matter, at all. He's being weird. Why on earth does it matter who you were with before you met him? (Nothing) What exactly does it mean? (Nothing).

Does he act jealous in other ways? What point is he trying to prove here?

AcrossthePond55 · 07/01/2020 14:31

You can tell him that you refuse to discuss either of your sexual histories, period. But be aware that in some people that's a red flag to a bull. And it sounds to me as if he's one of those people!

Frankly, I seriously consider leaving him.

QforCucumber · 07/01/2020 14:52

He's unreasonable in his reaction, however - why do you bring them up?
I have been with DH 9 years and we never have discussions about exes.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/01/2020 15:31

So this is a recent issue?
Seems odd he is fixating on it now.
Do you suspect anything about him?
More private with his phone?
Home later than usual?
Buying new clothes?
New aftershave?

Do you have DC together?
This is not good OP and he now forever use it as a stick to beat you with.
It's abuse.

billy1966 · 07/01/2020 15:42

I would be very suspicious if this is a recent thing.

I also think it is absolutely none of his business.

OP, you have nothing to apologise for, nor to regret.

Your past, your business. Only.

He sounds like a twat.

Good luck.

12345kbm · 07/01/2020 15:57

Sounds like projection and justification for cheating OP. Any other recent changes in behaviour?

fallfallfall · 07/01/2020 15:57

You know that’s emotionally abusive?

lunar1 · 07/01/2020 16:04

Commonly sexual relationships are between two people who trust each other. I firmly believe, that with the exception of abuse, those relationships are private and nobody else's business even when the relationship ends.

A big red flag for me would be someone talking in detail about an ex, even when you end on crappy terms I think it's important to respect what you had before that.

You husbands behaviour is beyond controlling, what you did before is none of his business, and to be bringing it up 17 years later is madness.

I'm wondering if he's cheated or is cheating and he's gaslighting you so that when/if it comes out he can find a way to put the blame for his behaviour into you.