DP and his 'big dreams'

[dustyair]

DP complains constantly about how he's stuck in this dead-end job and that he can do a better job than 'those morons' currently doing his dream job. I told him at the time that if he wanted to get qualifications, he can do so and I'll support us both financially. He procrastinated, did some research, and that idea was soon thrown out because he missed the registration date and didn't want to wait another year!

Then about a year ago, he told me about this 'lifelong' dream he has of setting up a coffeeshop. I asked if he had a solid business plan. He claimed he did, took 1 month unpaid leave to sample coffees, did a few queries w.r.t. rental spaces, and as soon as things were starting to get more concrete, he again procrastinated and that bloody idea was dead in the water too.

Ever since he turned 30, he's been increasingly bitter and cynical about how the odds are 'stacked against him' - I'm getting quite sick and tired of it by now. In fact, we've just had a massive argument about how he hates everything despite not wanting to do anything about it, and yet I'm the one that's 'unsupportive'! What the hell does he want me to do?

This isn't going to work out, right?

I couldn't live with that. Sorry. Do you have children?

I couldn't live with that nonsense!

I'd be very wary of telling a DP that I'd support him while he trained, when he could just dump me with no need to repay it.

He sounds like a stroppy teen. Has he got a dm you can send him back to?

I’d be having a blunt conversation with him in the theme of “shit or get off the pot”. Ie; he needs to either decide what he’s doing and bloody get on with it or shut up for good about all this dream job/life/ odds stacked against crap.

Can he apply for the first job again if the registration window opens again.

It sounds like you have been very patient andsuppoertive. It sounds like he doesn’t like to commit. He enhpjoys the journey, but not the destination. Is he like this in all walks of life?

Maybe at a calmer time, sit down and work,out a plan. Help and support him. Maybe write down a business proposal,together. Ie. Look for jobs xyz, training courses, put benchmarks in when xyz have to be done by.

Is ther

Btw- how long has he been your DP?

Also- I wouldn’t be supporting him at all unless you were married and I certainly wouldn’t be marrying him.

God he sounds infuriating. I'm all for people having dreams but you can't complain if you have the opportunity and support and don't take it.

Do you have children?

Thankfully no. I've always had this hope that he just hasn't found his 'thing' yet because our relationship is great when he doesn't talk about anything career-wise. It's so frustrating.

Btw- how long has he been your DP?

Almost 3 years!

I behave like this when I'm not on my adhd meds. I follow through on nothing. But I have all these amazing ideas and possibilities.

Not trying to excuse him. I'd probably do a runner from him if I had no kids with him

Time to look seriously at this relationship.
You are in danger of being blamed for everything.

In that case, I'd have the talk PP suggests and give one last chance depending on how that goes. Then I'd reconsider the relationship. Would be too frustrating.

Don't have children with him, he will use them as another excuse as to why he can't persue his 'dreams'.

Why on earth should she give this guy another chance? He doesn't believe work and experience leads to anything and he takes a month out to drink coffee ffs. Most small businesses fail within the first year - she's better out of it as his business (when he gets around to it) is definitely going to fail.

Almost 3 years!

Nowhere near long enough to be supporting someone who is talking about his big dreams. If you’d been together 10 years and he’d worked consistently throughout I’d say yeah- but not even 3 and he’s already taken unpaid leave for a dream that went nowhere? Nah.

FWIW- I am constantly daydreaming about jobs I’d love to do. But RL exists and has to be paid for. By me. Via work. Regardless of what that has to be.

He is a dreamer and will drag you down / blame you for how his life turns out even though you've been ready and willing to support him so far. I don't love my job but I'd never dream of quitting it without having something concrete behind me (unless there was good reason - illness etc) out of respect for my other half as it wouldn't be fair to leave him carrying the weight of everything.

Can he apply for the first job again if the registration window opens again.

I think he's now convinced that he'd be too old when he graduates. He won't have any relevant work experience either because his current job is a far cry from what he'd like to do. I'm also not keen on funding him anymore because at this point I don't think he'll stick with it anyway.

at this point I don't think he'll stick with it anyway.

He won’t.

My DP does similar, when we met he wanted to join the army, then get a trade, then army again, then he fell into being a paramedic, then a pro boxer, then army, the paramedic etc.. he is currently a paramedic who wants to join the army and set up his own business

I've told him I don't care what he does (apart from full time army but that's a different issue) but he needs to be able to pay his half of the bills as he is currently on a good wage and I can't afford them all and I don't want to hear it until he has a solid plan.

He still quietly researches his ideas but it's so infuriating when they do that.

Mostly because she said the relationship is otherwise good. But based on the last update, I'd not even do that. You seem over it, OP. Which is understandable.

Gosh this sounds like my mother !

Her ‘I want to do this, this and this before I die’

Me ‘ great idea go for it!’

Her ‘well you’re not doing much, but you’re quick enough telling me what to do, when
Are you gonna start doing anything’

At least you can separate from your DP

Like pps, I’d suggest you think very carefully before continuing the relationship. I have a good friend who is always waiting for someone else to create his dream job for him, while refusing to do anything that would give him a chance of progression in the longterm job he hates but won’t make any effort to leave, while his wife does all the heavy lifting domestically and in childcare terms — it’s contributed largely to his divorce.

This reminds me of my friend's DH - in his late 30's with 2 DC, quit a job he had had since he had left school where he had worked up to middle management as he had had enough. Got a driving job as there was no pressure/weekend working but lasted a few months as he got frustrated that he could do better than the management so he quit. Got a management job back in the same sector he had worked in originally but quit that as he didn't like it. Took a few months off then got another similar job for a different company. Last I heard, he didnt like that either and wanted to quit. My friend has reached the end of her patience with him...she asked him what he wanted to do and he shrugged and said a 'racing driver'. I think i would have made him leave at that point!

So no advice but i feel your pain having supported my friend through her problems. I honestly dont understand what these men are thinking!