DP and his 'big dreams'

[dustyair]

DP complains constantly about how he's stuck in this dead-end job and that he can do a better job than 'those morons' currently doing his dream job. I told him at the time that if he wanted to get qualifications, he can do so and I'll support us both financially. He procrastinated, did some research, and that idea was soon thrown out because he missed the registration date and didn't want to wait another year!

Then about a year ago, he told me about this 'lifelong' dream he has of setting up a coffeeshop. I asked if he had a solid business plan. He claimed he did, took 1 month unpaid leave to sample coffees, did a few queries w.r.t. rental spaces, and as soon as things were starting to get more concrete, he again procrastinated and that bloody idea was dead in the water too.

Ever since he turned 30, he's been increasingly bitter and cynical about how the odds are 'stacked against him' - I'm getting quite sick and tired of it by now. In fact, we've just had a massive argument about how he hates everything despite not wanting to do anything about it, and yet I'm the one that's 'unsupportive'! What the hell does he want me to do?

This isn't going to work out, right?

Give him a kick up the arse from me! This morning I sent a 'happy birthday' mail to a LinkedIn contact (never spoken before). He thanked me, we started a conversation and I asked for a meeting. He agreed so I sent 90 individual emails within the hour to people in the same city and now have 2 full days of meetings set up for next week.

Don't want to derail your thread but if he's serious he really, really needs to graft - not dream.

What about your dreams dustyair? Do you have ambitions to study, travel, have children, change careers? Will your partner support you in the pursuit of those ambitions?

He reminds me of my ex, constantly changing his mind about what he wants to do. Quitting jobs or moving from one to the next whenever he felt like it without thinking about the impact it had on us. Then he wanted to go to college, went on about it for ages but never actually applied. Then he admitted his biggest ambition in life was to win the lottery! He thought he could actually win it, as if it had anything to do with something other than sheer luck! I ended the relationship, and would advise you to do the same. Find someone who knows what they want in life.

My old man is in his 60s, and didn’t have much of an education when young due to various issues. To this day, he has trouble reading and pronouncing certain words. He’s not well read, doesn’t follow current affairs, doesn’t really partake in any hobby/passion which he’s hugely knowledgable about. Despite all this, he has run a very successful business for 40+ years and made a lot of money. I have huge respect for him.

By comparison, I’m well educated, read a lot, usually do well in quizzes and shit like that as I have an abundance of useless general knowledge in my head, and have a good (if not amazing) senior role in IT. I earn a decent wage but I’ll never be very wealthy on it or run the company.

I learnt the difference between us was that he had the drive, the ambition and the balls to take big risks to get where he is. Just like all successful businessmen. Education and circumstances and so on didn’t matter. There are those of us who are cut out to be plain old workers, and a few who have the special abilities needed to really succeed as entrepreneurs.

Your OP sounds like one of life’s dreamers. If he wants to runs a business, then nothing could really stop him if he truly put his mind to it and stopped making excuses or being lackadaisical about it. I think it’s time this was pointed out to him.

I learnt the difference between us was that he had the drive, the ambition and the balls to take big risks to get where he is. Just like all successful businessmen. Education and circumstances and so on didn’t matter. There are those of us who are cut out to be plain old workers, and a few who have the special abilities needed to really succeed as entrepreneurs.

100% agree. And those people may not necessarily succeed first, second or third+ time. It’s how they handle failure, brush themselves off and try again

I'm going to play devils advocate here.

Maybe he's lacking in confidence to follow through and if he had the right support he could realise his dreams?

There are business hubs and networking events all around the country, their sole purpose is to support the inception and develop small business. He probably needs a mentor and some moral support for the moment's when he's having a wobble and doubting his dream.

Do you think if he accessed these support networks his attitude would change and take the pressure off your relationship?

DP's dissatisfied, which is not the same as ballsy and hardworking. In his case, not at all the same.

Don't give him any money and get out before it gets worse. He will end up running up debts to pursue his dreams and prob not working at all.

My DH was like this and it was infuriating.

He does now finally have a very part time job in the field he's interested in and another part time job that pays bills.

The very part time job he likes gives him some relevant experiacne for a better job in the same field.
I'm very happy for him and very relieved.

I put up with a fairly long period of supporting us while I watched watching him pursue a plan that wasn't working out and wasn't bringing in money. Acompanied by a lot of low level anxiety and depression because he knew it wasn't working out and felt rubbish about himself.

And then when he finally admitted defeat, he would occassionally blame me for "holding him back". I would have to point out how accomodating I had been. But I have limits. Of course I do.

And then the back and forward about how much he hated the "dead end" job that was actually reliable and bringing in money.
I would occassionally suggest that he improve things by getting a trade or returning to an alternative job that he's done before and liked a bit better.
And that wasn't good enough because it wasn't what he really wanted to do.

So.. so pleased we are passed that now. He's still not a great provider but he's happy in himself and can see a way forward.

Its a crap place to be OP and I sympathise. I agree he needs to "shit or get off the pot". He feels unfulfilled. Thats crap for him. But its not your fault and you shoudn't be expected to shoulder his emotional burden. He can come to you when he has a cogent plan and you can assess whether it works for all of you.
In the meantime he needs to stop using you as an emotion dumpster.

I was in a LTR with a man like this. He got progressively worse and worse. Convinced he was squandering his potential and that he was so much more intelligent than everyone etc. I broke up with him for this and other reasons. I still talk to him occasionally (small town!) and 8 years after we split he is still the exact same. He is now unemployed tho and talking about going back and doing a course that he originally started in 2007 🤦🏻‍♀️. Just leave him OP, this wont improve.

Ugh. Gatsby was a grandiose narcissist too. But at least he got shit done.

I would end it. People like this don't change and they'll blame you and drag you down. Have a relative married to one. If he'd stayed at his well paid job, they'd be retired by now. But he is late 50s working a minimum wage job, no savings, nothing. Not sure what my relative will do if he leaves or can't work as she has no skills and hasn't worked since she was a teen. Don't waste your life on a lazy dreamer. He doesn't need hand holding, help, understanding or anything. His problem is he just doesn't want to do the work.

@nursebuttercup - it sounds like op has already given plenty of support to dp, offering to provide financial support if he did a degree, provided support when he took unpaid leave to taste coffee and research spaces etc.

I presume op is of a similar age. You need to decide what you want. Can you give him a deadline to work,towards , or mentally think if he doesn’t get xyz done by Christmas, then I’m leaving him. Maybe give him an ultimatum. Ie. Do abc by Whenever, or else.

With you propping him up, he doesn’t really need to commit. Not a criticism, but an observation. I think you have been great in how supportive you have been, and very patient.

I know several entrepreneurs and self-starters. They all went out and spent hours a day (on top of their existing jobs) crafting business plans, getting reality checks, making contacts, getting qualifications if needed, investing in software, seeking advice from others, putting themselves out here.

I know I couldn't do it, partly because there isn't anything that drives me like that.

He sounds more like my friend who after funking out of various things for years decided she wanted to be... a seal trainer. Now diagnosed with ADHD.

He's work shy. He doesn't want to do the grunt work. He's too lazy. He wants big money and status, but he doesn't wish to get his finger out and actually work for it.

It won't change. Even if he did settle down he'd be blisteringly unhappy and blame you. For whatever reason he could think of to make it your fault. Or his parents fault, or anyone's fault other than his.

I'd end it, Because it's never going to get better, only worse. Till you resent thr fuck out of each other.

Chopping and changing is fine when you're a grafter. Chopping and changing when you're work shy is intolerable. Unless you want to spend your life paying for him.

It won't get any better. I married someone like this, and was taken in by the big talk for a long time. I've only just realised what complete BS it is. It'll drag you down, and in the meantime you'll be left footing all the bills whilst being made to feel guilty for being unsupportive, and quite possibly denigrated for having your own career (presuming you work).

My DP always has a great plan that will mean he will love his job finally. It has been allsorts over the years from bouncy castles, ice cream van, to paintless dent removal to a fast food truck to sports physio. I always just agree and let him dream whilst he just carries on in his 9-5 IT job. He is a dreamer not a go getter, he doesnt realise that but i do so i dont worry about it too much

Stay with this man and you are heading for a lifetime of poverty and resentment. He is a lazy git and heading for cocklodger status. Get rid of him and find someone that can match your own considerable drive.

Deluded, entitled, arrogant.

What other Narc traits does he have?

Does his DM tell him he is extra special?

Successful entrepreneurs crack on with it -they are positive driven people. Nothing and no one holds them back.

Spoilt, lazy, man child, snowflakes always point the finger at “rubbish management” - a height they never ever reach. They are cynical and negative, blame everyone else as they achieve nothing and become v bitter as their “career” spirals down the plug hole.

The often find a willing enabler - someone who covers for them and facilitates their nonsense when all of their family and friends can see right through them. It’s excruciating to watch.

My sister had one of these - life of hell, dragging 2 kids through it all, he went from one job to the next for ever shorter times, then didn’t work for 5 years, whilst she worked 6 days a week and worked shifts through her annual leave. He ran up £135k in debt, they lost their home. Then he left her.

You lost me at him taking a month of unpaid leave to sample coffees .

You don’t have children to care for in your off hours. Re-training or building a business should be able to happen around work at this point in life. Dh worked like 60 hour weeks working full time in the job he hated plus building a business so he could leave it, while being totally hands on our then 2 month old and completely sleep deprived.

If you’ve only been together 3 years and aren’t married, it’s definitely not the time to be financially supporting him. It’s not going to get easier surely.

In my mid 20s I dated a guy who's life plan was to move to Tenerife to play international football. He was deadly serious. He played (bad) Sunday league football but his plan was to take a year to 'learn' how to play professionally, get residency in tenerife, and due to the small population of the island, get selected for the national team. To reiterate again, he was deadly serious.
He'd now be early 40s and as far as I know still works in a call centre selling insurance...

Is his name Del Boy?

I'm 50. Believe me, these types never get better. They find soft touches and people with saviour/project complexes to leech off. They're economic and emotional vampires. Everything's always someone else's fault (usually yours). You'll NEVER 'be supportive' enough.

Just stop. Do NOT see him as some project you have to spearhead, suggest ways to bolster confidence, etc.

He's thirty. He's intelligent. And if he is not motivated to do it off his own back it will never work.

This person is inherently entitled and lazy.

Do you live together? If not I'd immediately cut it off.

LTB. It’s really not worth it.

Chronic dissatisfaction...some people are just wired like that I'm afraid.

End the relationship before he sucks the life (and savings) out of you

Is he, on some level, waiting for you to say ‘No, you can’t do that’?

On another note, I have a family member who has supported their spouse through two undergraduate degrees and a further three years of low-paid training...

Best not to start down that road if you can avoid it!