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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shall I ask him out?

101 replies

caulkheaded · 06/01/2020 17:41

Went away as part of a large group over new year and got to know someone who I’d previously only met a little. Really nice guy, straightforward, I know his friends, we got on well etc.

We’re both single. Shall I text and ask if he wants to meet up? Only issue is that I’m not very confident about relationships so over thinking it all a bit!

OP posts:
BrandoraPaithwaite · 07/01/2020 12:45

Don't date Ernie- just leave it all for now.

Bert is the one you fancy and after a few months you may get a chance w Bert. Eg if Ernie starts seeing someone else/ Bert is in a more relationship place/ Bert realises how fabulous you are.

Also you don't want to risk messing up what sounds like a nice friendship group situation.

Bide your time for now OP.

TatianaLarina · 07/01/2020 12:53

If Bert says he doesn’t want a relationship he means it. Not right now most likely means not ever with a tactful spin.

OP has nothing to lose from dating Ernie to see if there’s any spark. If not, nothing lost.

Stillsexystillsingle · 07/01/2020 21:35

Agree, bide your time, if one of these men really is your man then that will become clear in time. Certainly do nothing to make this situation any messier than it already is!

BlokeNumber9 · 07/01/2020 22:10

The worst that can happen is that you're rejected. You'll get over it; that is something that straight men have had to learn since puberty.

AnotherEmma · 07/01/2020 22:15

You should go on a date with Ernie and see how it goes.

PumpkinP · 07/01/2020 22:31

I disagree with the others, I wouldn’t now start dating Ernie because bert said no! It’s abit off imo.

yepimaman · 07/01/2020 22:39

I'm Ernie.

Not literally of course, but I'm AN Ernie, the nice guy whose good looking friend gets messaged by women. The guy who admires a girl from a distance but she doesn't notice. The guy who would love to take you out on a date and if you were honest with me about Bert would laugh about it and love the chance to buy you a drink.

This thread prompted me to sign up to mumsnet, just to say please give me a chance!

Original poster
caulkheaded · 07/01/2020 23:24

Okay. So.
I had to reply to Ernie cos he had asked a factual request regarding returning my property to me (and therefore meeting up for the date at the same time). I’d said I couldn’t do the date he proposed.

So today I messaged and agreed to see him next week. I clarified that it was a date and not just returning of property and he said yes, we got on well, would like to get to know each other more etc.

OP posts:
Osirus · 08/01/2020 00:14

Hope it goes well OP. A similar thing happened to me, I was interested in two friends, one more than the other.

I married the one I was least interested in at the time (13 years after we first started seeing each other). Now I have no idea what I used to see in the one I once liked the most!

Singlemammaxx · 08/01/2020 00:38

Hope the date goes well! Please let us know how it went too!

Stillsexystillsingle · 08/01/2020 21:50

Oh ok so he's persisted and got himself a date with you good for him Smile with the old returning belongings trick Grin so now you need to forget the other guy and focus your full attention on the one that's in front of you Smile

Queenest · 08/01/2020 22:09

Ooh it’s all very exciting! Keep us updated OP!

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/01/2020 00:40

With the old returning belongings trick

An oldie but a goodie.

Original poster
caulkheaded · 09/01/2020 08:06

He did offer an alternative of someone else dropping it off to me, but yes. It is a familiar tactic.

He’s a really nice guy. The more I’ve thought about it, the more I’ve remembered all the good times we’ve had.

The added complication (other than Bert!!) is that their mutual friend is dating my friend BUT she is looking at ending the relationship so that might not ease social times between us all...we’ll see. I’m probably getting ahead of myself.

OP posts:
Stillsexystillsingle · 09/01/2020 20:04

If you're right for each other you're right for each other and the rest will all come out in the wash. But, go on your first date first! Grin

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/01/2020 20:37

The added complication (other than Bert!!) is that their mutual friend is dating my friend BUT she is looking at ending the relationship so that might not ease social times between us all...we’ll see. I’m probably getting ahead of myself.

We played musical beds in our twenties and everyone survived and most are still friends.

Original poster
caulkheaded · 11/01/2020 18:20

So there’s now a third added complication...

Week before asking out Bert I went on a date with Cookie Monster. We have mutual friends got on well previously, but this date was a disaster. He talked about stuff I had no interest in or was able to contribute to for an hour. Today he messaged apologising for it, said will I give him a second chance as he knows he dominated the chat and felt it was because he was nervous. It’s our of character for him to do that.

So do I also meet with him?

OP posts:
Insaneinthemembury · 11/01/2020 18:24

First of all congrats on being so popular! That sounds insincere, it's not meant to! Was there any chemistry with cookie monster? At least he seems to have some self awareness

AnotherEmma · 11/01/2020 18:28

The date was a while ago and he's only just sent the message. So I wouldn't be in a hurry to reply. Or at least acknowledge it but maybe be non committal about another date?

Who do you like more, Ernie or Cookie Monster?

Original poster
caulkheaded · 11/01/2020 18:39

I think I like Ernie more. We’re friends and always got on well. I know CM less - we’ve met with others maybe three times? Always got on well and others have tried to set us up but I’ve not been wanting a relationship and haven’t been sure about him because I’m not as attracted and he is slightly younger and less stable - I don’t think he would challenge me to grow as much as I would like or need someone to. That’s quite a minor thing though.
I’m not massively attracted to Ernie but we do enjoy each other’s company

OP posts:
simone1863 · 11/01/2020 18:45

Hold out for Oscar.

Original poster
caulkheaded · 02/02/2020 03:52

UPDATE:

Ernie and I have been on 5 dates in the last three weeks. Agreed yesterday that we’ll tel mutual friends, and do group things “together” rather than the slight awkwardness of having dinner with friends but them not knowing etc.

Thank you for your help and the encouragement to give it a try!

OP posts:
Mostlyhappy4 · 02/02/2020 09:34

That sounds great. Do you fancy Ernie more now?

Original poster
caulkheaded · 02/02/2020 10:21

I do! We've told a few people who know us both, and have all said "but of course that would happen, what took you both so long!"

OP posts:
Mostlyhappy4 · 02/02/2020 15:57

That's really lovely - good luck 😀