Being pressurised to reveal how many men I've slept with. Is this normal?

[DtPeabodysLoosePants]

Just thinking back over my marriage due to some issues and awaiting counselling. My now exH used to really pressure me to tell him how many men I'd slept with. I refused to tell him. He'd call me a tart, used goods, and make out I was a whore whilst insisting I was frigid as for for some reason I wasn't too keen on sex with him
Is it normal for partners to demand this information? He asked me many times over the years we were together. I never told him. For the record it was less than 18 people. Not many considering the 8 years in total I spent at uni.

You know its not normal. I'm sure many of us have partners that aren't so stupid. Not all men are the same, just as all women aren't the same. & I've never had a man ask me numbers.

I'd never considered asking my bf this before - but even now, thinking about whether I would or not, it just strikes me as an intrusive question that would imply I was judging him. I don't want him to judge me for my boring past sex life, and I don't want him to think I would judge him.

@youkiddingme
Maybe because there’s a bit of a difference if the number was 4 or if the number was 40?
You are comparing the number of ‘how much they spent on clothes’ to the number of sexual partners? It really belittles the human body and sexuality to draw such comparisons.

Pressure is always wrong but I think new partners are curious to your past, not in a judgemental way. I was honest as was he (one hand for both of us, not very adventurous!)

Btw it matters for health reasons too, I would have been reluctant to begin a relationship with someone who was that prolific without a full health screen!

It doesn't matter for health reasons. It only takes one person to pass an infection. I'm also interested why people want to know. I think its to judge but I'm happy to be put straight.

It would be very naive to think that you can safely have unprotected sex with someone if they have only had a small number of partners.

The name calling and other comments to your friends etc (what a wanker!) are verbal and emotional abuse of course. So glad you're rid of him!

Others are giving reasons the average person might want to know, though those are still a bit crap, but it's clear what his motives were. Even when you didn't tell him, he was implying stuff about you. He wanted the info so he could use it as ammo against you.

How awful. Hugs and best wishes for the counselling and 2020 xxx

No Osaka that wasn't my point. Sorry if that wasn't clear. What I'm saying is that the numbers in themselves are meaningless.
You have every right to want a partner that shares your values with regard to sex, as with any other values that are important to you. But you find out about a person's values by full open discussions not by inference from a number.
I personally don't do casual sex, and this is something I share with my DH. I know he had few previous partners but I don't know the exact number. He may have mentioned it and I've forgotten, but I honestly don't recall. We share the same feelings regarding this and I don't need to worry about the number. That just feels too controlling for me, to be that fixated. And people can change their mind anyway. If my DH had been fine with casual sex when younger but decided that was no longer for him later that would be fine by me too. Yet he could still have amassed a large number before.
And just to be clear I have no problem with people enjoying casual sex if they want to.

@Oksanna do you think that sex is sacred? Because I'd assume that if someone has had sex with 4 people by the time they're, say, 30, that they must have had strong feelings for those people.

But if they'd had sex with 40 I'd feel like they just enjoy sex.

I don't think I'd ever want to know how many people my partner has had sex with but I'd like to think that his past partners were about sex rather than love (not that it's relevant now but you know)

I don’t think there is anything wrong with asking, there is also nothing wrong with choosing not to answer.

My partner knows mine, if I hadn’t told him he could have easily worked it out. I don’t know his, I doubt he knows the exact number.

It shouldn’t matter if it’s 0 or 100, it had absolutely no impact on who someone is.

Not normal. My number is about 40, been with my partner for 18 years and he's never asked because it's irrelevant to us, never mind spoken to me like that. Sorry he was such an abusive shit.

You can fuck a thousand people and be ok,
You can fuck one and not.
Some people are just idiots proper fucking idiots

Your answer to any question like this should be:
I have no idea

I have only ever had two partners press me for that information.

Both turned out to be utter bastards.

It's depends for me how the partner uses or needs the information. My current partner has never asked and wanted to know.

My ex husband was obsessed with it. We met in my late 20s and I once made a comment that I couldn't remember the name of someone I had dated 3/4 years ago and I never heard the end of it. Didn't help that I think he had had 2 girlfriends!

So I think no good comes of looking into the past and comparing. And my ex used to make me feel cheap and nasty too

I met my ex when I was 19 and lost my virginity to him. He'd never had a girlfriend or kissed anyone (he was 23). Even though he was the first person I'd slept with he kept on and on at me about the fact I'd snogged a few boys as a teenager. He tried to make me feel like a cheap whore. I hate men like this.

This wasn't idle curiosity on his part. I wish I'd have had mumsnet back then as I'd never have married him.

Err, he would have been hugely furious with me as I never counted. And always had a full health screen before stopping using condoms in my serious relationships. Never caught anything ( to those who confuse numbers to STDs)

No. It’s not something we discussed for over 20 years.
Turns out:
Me - loads
Him - none