Being pressurised to reveal how many men I've slept with. Is this normal?

[DtPeabodysLoosePants]

Just thinking back over my marriage due to some issues and awaiting counselling. My now exH used to really pressure me to tell him how many men I'd slept with. I refused to tell him. He'd call me a tart, used goods, and make out I was a whore whilst insisting I was frigid as for for some reason I wasn't too keen on sex with him
Is it normal for partners to demand this information? He asked me many times over the years we were together. I never told him. For the record it was less than 18 people. Not many considering the 8 years in total I spent at uni.

For the record it was less than 18 people

So it was 17?

I think the refusing probably made it sound like it was really high and you were embarrassed? It’s not normal on MN but I have been asked loads irl, even by friends!

Its why he is an ex

Why didn't you lie and say 6?

There are some things that are just not worth it

ExH same story. DH never asked. Never told.

No, it's not normal. but having said that, there are some men out there who do wan't to know this information for some sad reasons. These type of men, would probably not divulge things to you,about their own pasts though.

I think it’s weird to have been married to each other and to never have had a conversation about your pasts. How many partners you’ve had shouldn’t be something you’re embarrassed of. I’d be pretty put off if my dh wouldn’t talk with me about that. But no it’s not normal for him to be a jerk and call you names.

I've had conversations about my bf's past, but have never asked how many people he's slept with. I know his main relationships from information he's volunteered, but why would I care who else he ever slept with? He's never explicitly asked me for figures, either.

If you lied, with a man like that he'd most likely ask for details and then accuse you of lying if he ever saw anything that went against the story you gave him. Also see AnyFucker's comment.

None of anybody else's business.
I was fairly relaxed talking about my past with DH but it triggered off some awful behaviour from him. We very nearly split over it. Weird consuming jealousy which really took me by surprise and off guard.
Gave him an ultimatum not to bring it up again and blocked all sideways attempts to bring it into discussion.
We eventually spoke about it fairly recently (these events being more than 10 years ago) and he was embarrassed by his behaviour.
In my experience it was very much rooted in his insecurity and I suspect that he had not always been faithful to his previous partner - I think they'd had a couple of break ups, seen other people, got jealous, tried again, etc.
He never called me names or suchlike, but I found his behaviour intrusive and unacceptable at the time.
We did get past it.

I'm so glad he's your ex.
Talking about past experiences, in a way that is about sharing who you are, how you have lived, been treated, been affected etc is something that can bring people closer together.
But what does a number tell anyone? Generally only how you 'compare' whether to them or to other women. Which is nearly always about judging you or making them feel better. Or both.

No

Yes it is normal to want to know how many sexual partners your wife/husband had and a spouse deserves to know the truth. This question should be addressed though before marriage and not after marriage.

No, it's emotional abuse.

I don't think it's abnormal to ask in the context of a relevant conversation with a DP out of sheer curiosity but it's no big deal if the other person would rather not say. I know my DH's 'number' and he knows mine but neither matter in the slightest (and they're not equal).

Clearly your EXH wanted the information to use against you either way so why on earth would you tell him?

DH and I have been together for over 40 years. We have never asked each other that question. It's never seemed important.

Yes it is normal to want to know how many sexual partners your wife/husband had and a spouse deserves to know the truth. This question should be addressed though before marriage and not after marriage.
Are you saying this in the context of a religious belief?

@Oksanna why do you need to know? Would you judge your partner if there was more than a certain number?

@ravenmum
I am a Christian but no I don’t think I was saying it in the context of my belief. I just believe it’s normal to know such things about the person with whom you sleep with have children and with whom you share your whole life.

@GiveHerHellFromUS
Everybody is entitled to have preferences when it comes to men or women. There are men who only want to marry a virgin and that’s fine. I personally wouldn’t have chosen my husband if he had a huge sexual past I would find it off-putting.

But what value is that information to you Oksanna
Do you need to know how much they spent on clothes, how many times they have visited the gym, had a check-up at the dentist...whatever whatever, what do any of these numbers tell you?
Asking about their preferences, feelings, notable experiences, values and outlooks on anything including sex is getting to know them.
But what is the value of the number? I really do want to know.

I can understand why people need to know if their partner had an STD or was e.g. a previous sexual offender, as that has obvious consequences for them. But why do they need to know who their partner slept with 20 years ago?

I would want to know pre marriage, if I’m going to spend the rest of my life with someone there should be no secrets and you should hold all the facts. A large number would have meant we didn’t share similar views on relationships etc.

Or you could ask them their actual views IceCreamAndCandyfloss rather than inferring anything from a number.

Wouldn't it be more effective to ask about their views on relationships, if that's what you wanted to know? People may have had lots of previous relationships for various reasons which have nothing to do with their views. I've had a low number of relationships because I used to be extremely shy and had low self-esteem, not because of my views about relationships...

It's interesting to me how many people feel the need to know how many people their partners have slept with. My husband and I have never had this conversation and I don't think I would want to. One of my golde rules in life is don't ask questions you're not prepared to hear the answer to.