How to leave an absuive relationship - Follow on from termination post

[soconfussedwithwhattodo]

I decided to start a new thread on how to exit out of the relationship safely now I've had a termination. Previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy_choices/3765256-AIBU-to-have-a-termination-behind-DP-back

For context the relationship broke down the start of last year and I moved out as it was abusive, I stupidly took him back at the end of summer, but I still live on my own. I found out I was pregnant and had a termination last week, but he believes I've had a miscarriage as he wanted the baby. We are still technically together, but I want to end it for good. He is very manipulative, controlling and when I end the relationship he will make threats of suicide, potentially stalk, turn up at my house and hassle me for money he believes I owe him (ongoing financial abuse). I want out for good, but I need support on doing this. I've asked my IDVA about the sanctuary scheme and see her on Thursday. He has a long history of abuse, stalking and harassment with three ex partners that I'm aware of.

Well done!

I already feel like I can't cope and my mental health is suffering.

I'm sorry, So.

I've been there; and it's hard. And with love, I'm going to share something I realised... when you're catastrophising, you're being your own worst enemy. He's not having to do anything right now, and you're in pieces.

He may not do anything, for various reasons. You did a good job of tapering him off slowly and he might be okay with the split. You might be panicking over nothing at all.

If he does turn up; you'll be okay. I had it all with my ex. You'll phone the police, they will help; you'll be able to get a non-mol.

Right now, there's nothing happening that you need to worry about and you'll drive yourself mad second guessing what he could be doing or thinking. Is there anyone who you can go see tonight, or who can come to yours? Can you put a funny film on now? Keep your mind busy and start to look after yourself. It's how you'll heal.

If you tear yourself into shreds, you've done all the work for him. It'll be almost effortless for him to walk back in to your life and make it feel like you need him to be whole. You don't, you just need to muster some strength now, or fake it until you've got some. Honestly; you have.

Op the pp is talking sense. I still sometimes have to fake it till I make it. You can actually do this if you decide to. Do not let him win. Is it hard? Yes definitely. Is it impossible? Absolutely not. Be strong 💪

Stay in the now: is this moment ok? This phrase has brought me through some terrible things. Anytime I’ve asked it, the answer has been begrudgingly yes. This actual moment was ok.
The times that weren’t ok, were the ones where I was in the thick of it actually doing something, taking action, dealing with the crisis.
If there’s time to think, you’re probably ok!

That probably sounds either dismissive or like nonsense but it genuinely has helped me.

Our minds are brilliant at what-ifs and worrying so try a bit of distraction. Maybe something light hearted on Netflix? Nothing too heavy but something to fill the silence.

Thinking of you

Keep focusing on the fact that you are strong. You’ve engineered everything over the past month or two, not him. You’ve been in control. It might not feel like it, but you’re doing so well.

How are things going OP?

Checking in to see how you’re doing?

Please come back OP. Worried for you.

Would you consider starting a new thread? I’ve never seen one garner so little support as this one and I think perhaps the beginning of this one might be the problem, as people might not read past the first page if they don’t have specific organisations, websites and phone numbers to recommend.

Would you start a thread along the lines of “ I’ve left abusive bf and need a hand hold” as I’m sure you’ll find lots of wise mnetters who are a bit further up that road, willing to help.

It seems as though you need to 'disappear'.
Change house, change job, change city.

It this possible OP until he gets bored and finds a new victim, or is it completely unfeasible.

Where are your family? I know these people target vulnerable people, my family would have been of no use tbh

Because I get a bit 'biblical' in the face of injustice, I might approach a bouncer and pay him and a couple of his mates to give him a talking to. That you are now split up and he is to leave you alone.

With the sure promise that if he even looks at you again, he will get to know some pick axe handles. Worth a couple hundred pounds!

These bullies understand force.

Sorry I disappeared. To be honest my mental health hasn't been great at all. I'm trying to pick myself up but it's not easy.

I’m sure it’s not easy. And of course you shouldn’t feel beholden to update either. We’re here for you if it’s helpful, that’s all.

I've started a new thread @Barbararara
I'm hoping it might help me. Thank you for being there, it's appreciated so much.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3807705-Help-me-stay-no-contact-with-abusive-ex