How to leave an absuive relationship - Follow on from termination post

[soconfussedwithwhattodo]

I decided to start a new thread on how to exit out of the relationship safely now I've had a termination. Previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy_choices/3765256-AIBU-to-have-a-termination-behind-DP-back

For context the relationship broke down the start of last year and I moved out as it was abusive, I stupidly took him back at the end of summer, but I still live on my own. I found out I was pregnant and had a termination last week, but he believes I've had a miscarriage as he wanted the baby. We are still technically together, but I want to end it for good. He is very manipulative, controlling and when I end the relationship he will make threats of suicide, potentially stalk, turn up at my house and hassle me for money he believes I owe him (ongoing financial abuse). I want out for good, but I need support on doing this. I've asked my IDVA about the sanctuary scheme and see her on Thursday. He has a long history of abuse, stalking and harassment with three ex partners that I'm aware of.

@Allinadaystwerk I do struggle with asking for support as all my friends are so busy with young families. My dad is abusive to my mum, so she is lovely but extremely weak and I have very low contact with my dad, so no real relationship with him. I'm trying not to be my mum and break out of this and not be weak, maybe that's why it's so hard for me as I have literally been abused my whole life by someone and have little confidence in myself or self esteem. I have had counselling on and off for 4 years now and I understand it all, just still finding my strength within.

He stuffed lit petrol soaked cloth in to the outside flue of the gas boiler
He was arrested

At the end of the day our internal strength is the only thing that will free us. At least you know it is in there understanding the theory or psychology is great but acting on what you know is hard. But it is not impossible and once you start empowering yourself it becomes the new addiction. Honestly it feels great when I make even a small choice for me. So new and exciting. It sounds daft but this week I said no to meeting with my ex because I didn't want to. I got reassurance to do it on here and I chose me and my feelings, preference and well being. It's sounds small to others who are not scared but for me it felt liberating. Just to put myself first and say no to something I would have yes to before. It was another string to my bow which is getting fuller as time passes.
I think you are more than capable of leaving him and starting a better life for yourself. Tap into that strength you have, it's always going to be there for you it always has been you just forgot

@Happygirl79 that sounds horrendous! I'm glad you are free from that situation.

I am a very strong woman yes. Life makes you strong. Go to the police again. Get away from this man. I felt I had no one to turn to so sought him out and challenged him face on and it was the last thing he expected.
I am not for one minute saying it is what you should do so dont do this.
I hope you get away from this man safely

You are a brave woman, I know how hard getting out of an abusive relationship is, head up, you are getting there. There's loads of advice on IRL charities here on the thread, and also talk to the police (you say he's done it to previous partners, so they may well have a record of him... Which could be very helpful!).

One thing someone has said here that I would heavily agree with - TELL EVERYONE ! One of the things I discovered afterwards is that my abuser shut down my support network of friends and family and I was brainwashed into not telling anyone what was going on. So once you leave learn to be totally honest and stop protecting him with lies. Tell your friends and family what has happened, mention to your neighbours that you have just escaped an abusive relationship, if you work, tell work in case he tries anything there. Opening up takes away a lot of an abusers control because you will have support, and everyone who hears it from you will be pre-warned what this bloke is up to e.g if your neighbours know and he starts asking super friendly questions about your movements/routine they will know to say nothing and tip you off if it happens (you can then tell the police what he's done, and that helps keep you safe in multiple legal ways).

I empathise, I know how scary and bleak it looks right now - but remember, a lot of that is what he has brainwashed into you. It's going to be tough, but you can get free, you can survive on your own, and there are many mechanisms to keep him away from you of he tries to intimidate or manipulate you.

@Happygirl79 wow you're so strong. Well done for getting out.

@Lucietigger no one likes him as he has annoyed everyone. All my friends know what's happened and my work is also aware. He literally has no one and doesn't speak to anyone besides his own mother. I will let my neighbour know as we are good friends. Luckily my street is well lit and overlooked by many houses including people with ring doorbells. I do have cctv and can see the front of my property using my phone, which makes me feel more at ease when going home, as I know he's not there. I'm going to call the police again and make them aware of my plans.

I really wish I believed in myself more, but I feel so weak right now, but I know I can't keep him in my life as I will become a broken women like my mother and I want more for myself. On the outside I look strong, I live an independent life, see friends, go out all over the place, i'm funny, I can hold a decent conversation and I have a good job, but inside I feel so weak.

Op your last posts resonates with me so much. Every one thinks I'm super confident but inside i feel the opposite so often. It gets better the more you practice self care and listen to good advice. It will change

I had worked so hard on myself before I met him and was finally gaining confidence in myself and he came along and ripped that all away from me and I feel worse than I ever had before. Everyone tells me how strong I am and have been, but I feel so incredibly weak. I don't want a pity party or anything, just wish I could believe in myself more and also follow the advice I give out to others. I look at myself and wonder how anyone can ever like me, i'm so weak and pathetic. Most people in my life think I left this man last year and I stupidly took him back, which was a weak thing to do and people don't even know I took him back (It's been a secret in my life and a massive anxiety which fills me with guilt). I feel pathetic, but I am desperate to find that strength to leave him for good and heal. I just need to take the final step and stick with it. I have a habit of quitting too easily and I expect myself to fail. I need to practice some self love and find my belief in myself.

@Allinadaystwerk what do you do for self love?

I do lots of reading and research on the subject OP. Also I take time to do things I enjoy. When my thoughts are negative against myself I stop myself in my tracks and remind myself that I am a good person worthy of respect. I eat well because my body is my assets. I want to be healthy and live long. I write down my positive thoughts and the things I like about me and read it regularly. I treat myself to nice little things. But most of all its positive self talk. Also accept compliments when they come your way and believe them. Tell those who are mean and nasty to bollocks..straight away and eliminate aresholes out of your life immediately. There is no time for that.

Keep reminding yourself that it will be worse to stay with him than rip the plaster off and leave him.

Take practical steps to get support;
Talk to Womens Aid.
Take the Freedom Program.
Contact Paladin and get help and advice from them.
paladinservice.co.uk

Read up on strategies around leaving and staying safe;
www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm

Lundy Bancroft - Why Does He Do That?
tinyurl.com/LundyWhy

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker
tinyurl.com/GiftoFear

@Allinadaystwerk Thank you, I will try all of that for certain. I'm feeling more positive today. I think hormones are still getting the better of me a bit at the moment. I'm still testing positive and If I am by Saturday I need to go back to BPAS.

@Thelnebriati I've asked about freedom. I've heard of paladin before so I'll make sure to contact them. I've read Lundy, but will re-read as it was last year when I left him the first time. Thank you

Youtube is really good too. Today i had to spend some time with my ex for business reasons. It reminded me of how difficult it can be and easily they can get into your head and make you behave how you don't want to. I had to work hard to stay focussed. It was exhausting.

Please take good care of your physical health. It was only last week afterall. Everything you do should be to your benefit right now...Everything! If it does not build you up in some way, just don't do it. That's how you treat some one you love right?! Love yourself the way you love others... only better 😊

I've been watching a lot on YouTube. I started my counselling now and I've found it so helpful. My idva has gone back to solicitor again to look at a non mol.

Delighted you are feeling better.
I think you sound a heck of a lot stronger than you realise.

It takes strength to do what you have done and to want things to be better.

💐

Ahh good to see you pop back OP. I kept this thread on my watch list. Well done you. It takes true grit to pick yourself up and take proper care of yourself. I still have to remind myself 1st thing every day that I am going to be good to myself and be positive about my future otherwise I sink into negativity and there is no good in that.
Has the ex stayed away?

Ex is still on the scene (ish) more over text or call rather than actually seeing. I'm still waiting for the security to be put on my house so I can leave him for good. I'm still so scared and I feel very mentally weak. I'm so scared of when I finally leave him for good what will happen with my mental health. I'm struggling so much already with work, but I can't take anymore time off work.

You're stronger than you believe. You've got this xx

I told him yesterday it was over for good. I had a few messages saying how much he loves me, misses me, what life etc he imagined with me etc etc. I haven't heard anything since 5pm yesterday and I feel so anxious on what will happen next.

You will get through this OP, well done💐