How to leave an absuive relationship - Follow on from termination post

[soconfussedwithwhattodo]

I decided to start a new thread on how to exit out of the relationship safely now I've had a termination. Previous thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/pregnancy_choices/3765256-AIBU-to-have-a-termination-behind-DP-back

For context the relationship broke down the start of last year and I moved out as it was abusive, I stupidly took him back at the end of summer, but I still live on my own. I found out I was pregnant and had a termination last week, but he believes I've had a miscarriage as he wanted the baby. We are still technically together, but I want to end it for good. He is very manipulative, controlling and when I end the relationship he will make threats of suicide, potentially stalk, turn up at my house and hassle me for money he believes I owe him (ongoing financial abuse). I want out for good, but I need support on doing this. I've asked my IDVA about the sanctuary scheme and see her on Thursday. He has a long history of abuse, stalking and harassment with three ex partners that I'm aware of.

Op do you have kids, is a relocation remotely feasible for you?

Could you stay with friends or family after you break up, or would this put them at risk as well?
Tell work so security can be notified if he turns up there.
Change Phone number.

I'm not sure what can be offered here OP. You have an IDVA and have had legal advice.

Your IDVA will advise you on safety planning which is very important as, as you already know, leaving the relationship and the first year afterwards are when you are most vulnerable.

Yes, getting extra locks etc sorted out for peace of mind would be helpful I'm sure, as your IDVA will have advised. I would suggest you ask about a secure letterbox so that no flammables can be posted. However, it all depends on what is available through the scheme.

Getting a non molestation order would keep him away and is an arrest arrestable offence. He already has form and, as I'm sure you know, is usually for between 6 and 12 months. You can get an emergency non molestation order from the organisation I already cited above and he does not need to be forewarned of that.

Are you going to do any kind of counselling? Ask your IDVA about what's available in your local area.

Really it's a matter of finishing the relationship and staying away from him. Using all the support you have around you, your IDVA, counselling and support groups etc to stay away and stay strong.

Use the law when necessary, dial 999 if he comes to your place etc Log all events but again, your IDVA is best placed to advise on all that. Each case of domestic abuse is unique to the individual and there is no carte blanche way of dealing with it.

Moving away isn't really feasible (I have thought long and hard about it) and he knows where my family and friends live anyway. I do want to get another lock of some sort put on and I've asked my IDVA about the sanctuary scheme and she's actioning that. I believe they will look around my home and see if I need any extra security measure. I do have a security camera, so it's a case of making the property more secure. My bosses at work are aware of him and that it could be a possibility he could show up. He seems to only be intimidating to women and won't get into an altercation with men.

Just want to say well done and good luck, keep putting you first.

They are great points, but this post isn't just about practical advice it's also about emotional support whilst I go through it. I don't really have anyone in the real world who understands it to help me through it and I was hoping for advice and support through this thread and was urged to carry my post over to a new thread, which was incredibly supportive and very helpful.

That's why specialised counselling would be so useful OP. When you see your IDVA next week, ask her what's available in your local area. I really recommend both group and individual counselling. There is so much strength to be gained from a group of women who have gone through or are going through the same thing as you. It's good to have that support in real life as it makes you feel as though you're sane, you're not going mad, your fears are justified and it's really healing. Just getting validation is so affirming.

A Ring doorbell might be an idea, also maybe speak to a locksmith about getting a dead bolt fixed on

Ring doorbell really good idea, if you know he's at your door and aggressive, no altercations just call the police. I'd like one myself as I'm a bit anxious lately.

I ended a bad relationship and my ex stalked me. My employer noticed a change in my work behaviour and was very good. He would stalk me at my place of work. They offered to move me to another branch but I refused
The police got involved as he tried to burn down my home when my children were there with me
It was a terrible experience but I would not give in to him
Eventually he realised I was stronger than he was. He gave in and desisted.
I challenged him and like most stalkers when challenged he simply slunk away. Make a statement to the police. Stay strong

The OP has applied for the Sanctuary Scheme which is where the council send people round to your place to check how secure it is and make any changes necessary to secure the place. She also has CCTV.

I think the point of the thread is for a hand hold, not for practical advice.

@Happygirl79 I'm really sorry to hear that, sounds terrifying. I'm glad he's gone. Did he put something through the letterbox?

Call 101 and explain the situation. Log everything and add to the log when anything new happens.
I'm sure they can put measures in place so that if you call, they put you as a priority.

Glad to see you are doing so well.

Keep on, it'll be improving every day.

When I was exiting a DV relationship, the police put my address on a high priority list, meaning if I ever needed to call them they'd know it was a "get there now" situation and not an event they could take their time with.
Would you be able to enquire about this with your IDVA?

Good luck OP

Draw more attention to yourself by putting the stuff about the Daily Mail in. You know what you need to do, stop letting him in for a start!

Just to add on the Ring doorbell thing- we have Nest Hello but I believe they're similar and you can pay £40 a year (once the doorbell is in place) and it stores 5 days worth of recordings, so you can save video clips if you need to. It also records sounds and the camera is ridiculously clear.

You can set up motion sensors too and recognisable faces, so if it sees him in the vicinity it will send you an instant alert to your phone.

They're not cheap, I think ours was about £200 but so worth it for peace of mind

Hey op. I followed your previous thread. On it you had lots of support and handholding. You were in a very vulnerable position and I saw how MN supported you. This thread feels a little different in that it is very practical but I hope it is still useful to you.
How do you feel physically now?
When do you think you might tell him it's over? How does the thought of telling him make you feel? I'm just wondering if this kind of discussion is what you are needing? I know having left a man I was scared of that it is so very difficult to actually action leaving. Even though I wanted to many times I stayed hoping it would improve knowing deep down it would not but feeling powerless I hope you feel strong and ready. If you don't I'm sure MNers will help you. They do it so well.

@Allinadaystwerk yes this thread is very different. I'm still feeling pretty hormonal after the termination, but it was only just over a week ago. I know the time is now to go and I want to end it, but I am just so scared and it's what has kept me with him. I'm working with my IDVA and trying to get everything in place I need to make the finally cut with him and move on with my life slowly.

@Happygirl79 wow that's terrifying and what scares me about my partner. You sound incredibly strong.

@12345kbm I've been on a waitlist for counselling for three months which is private, but reduced price. I will ask my IDVA if they have anything they can offer. Thanks

You could go to the local Freedom sessions, your support worker will be able to advise. Its on all year round, a rolling programme. You'd get moral support and meet other women in the same position.
Ask your advisor about going into refuge as you split from him. Doesn't have to be a permanent move away from your home.

@BrigidSt a refuge isn't an option for me as it would put me miles out of area (I have looked at this before). I've signed up online for freedom and have asked to start group sessions.

Just thinking a bit ‘off the wall’ here. As you say you really don’t want to move out, can you get someone to move in?
Say a couple who are relatives who ‘need a place to stay’ for a couple of weeks for some reason, or possibly a couple of friends who could stay over for a while. Or have you got a brother or father who could do some overnights? Just to get you through this initial stage of making the clean break.

You are doing all the right things OP. It will begin to take shape the more you press on. I find getting a little online support from mn when I feel shaky or unsure is really helpful. It's kind of instant and the advice I've had is sound. So do keep posting if it helps. Having said that MN does not replace real life support. Talking to someone face to face and speaking your truth in front of someone who is on your side is empowering. You might find this in an existing friendship or a support group.
I understand the fear of upsetting your stbx. It's just easier and feels safer to be in his good books. I still feel like that sometimes and I've been separated 9 months. It it gets less. When I feel unsure i reach out to someone either on here or irl. I'm not a reacher outer by nature so its tempting to try and manage but it's too hard to do it alone, so well done for reaching out.
Keep doing what you are doing. It will happen. You are strong and have come through the worse bit. Be kind to yourself.

@Speakingofdinosaurs all my friends are married with young children and I have no spare rooms. The only person I could ask to stay is my ex (we are still good friends), but my partner has always said I would end up back with my ex as we got along so well, so it could make it worse.