Is It In My Head?

[callysuper]

I've just got home from a pretty disastrous holiday with my boyfriend (been together almost a year) - it's one of several disastrous trips where he's been moody, sulky and mean and, despite me trying allsorts to ease the tension and cheer him up and make the most of the time away, he's been unbearable. To the point where I even looked into alternative means of getting home this time round (we were in Europe). No matter what I did, he either stayed in his mood (but flat-out denied anything was wrong), or snapped and accused me of being over sensitive on the occasions I did ask him why he was so irritable. It's hard to spell out what he was doing in black and white terms, because often he'd say or do something and then either deny it or say it was a joke. Or he'd make out I was the one in the wrong. But some examples include:

Mocking me for checking beforehand that the b&b had a hairdryer. I prefer to blow dry my hair as it's quite curly, we had a nice couple of dinners planned, it's what I wanted but he laughed and scoffed and rolled his eyes and made out it was me being vain.

Suggesting we walk three miles to dinner rather than getting public transport. The dinner was in the evening, it was chucking it down, it was at a nice restaurant (he'd booked it) and the plan was for me to put a frock and heels on and get dressed up. When I suggested this wasn't ideal (initially in a jokey way, I could tell his sulk was building so didn't want to ask him WTF he was talking about), he made out he couldn't understand what my problem was. Shrugging and smirking when I pushed him on it, and when I was saying 'you really don't understand what that's not a great idea?'. In the end I felt like the one who was being a bore/difficult.

Blanked me at a restaurant when I tried to jolly him up. It sounds pathetic but I tried to sing at him and ruffle his hair (I was getting desperate to get a smile from him at this point) - he literally ignored me. Didn't look up from his menu. He did this a couple of times.

Repeatedly pretended not to hear me. Or, when I started a story would start looking at his phone. I stopped speaking and eventually he looked up and said for me to carry on. I said I'd finish when he'd finished what he was doing on his phone (scrolling through FB). He just pretended not to hear that and looked back at his phone. I didn't finish the story in the end.

Kept saying he'd made me cross, but about small things that I really wasn't cross about. Eg we went to a bar we wanted to try and it was closed and he made this big thing about 'I'm sorry, I've let you down, have I made you cross now?' but in this weird sarcastic tone. I really wasn't cross, it was just one of those things, but he kept it going.

Reading all this back I know it's not good, but I suppose I'm looking for reassurance that I'm not overreacting or over sensitive or difficult or asking for too much. I'd also like to hear from people who've been in similar positions. I'm a smart woman with a career and great friends and my own lovely home (that he takes the piss out of) and a brilliant son (he also has a couple of kids - we don't live together) and I've read enough forums to know that these are all indications of narc behaviour, so why am I questioning it and myself and obsessing over the details, rather than just telling him to fuck off? Any feedback would be most welcome. Thank you for reading.

Breaking up doesn't have to be agreed by both parties. You can break up even if he is not convinced and even if he doesn't agree. You don't need to convince him of anything! He sounds toxic, abusive and miserable. Time to get out.

Is he only like this when you go away? I'm wondering if he really doesn't like going away or it makes him anxious if these behaviours only really come up when you're on holiday?

Not that this means you shouldn't end it with him because he's still an abusive arsehole but it just made me curious.

As others have said, you don't need to negotiate or explain a break-up and actually I'd just tell him it's over as there's little point repeatedly trying to make him understand.

Dump and block. No explanation required. And please don’t let him hoover you back

Sounds similar to my holiday with an ex. I too looked into getting home alone part way through as it was that bad.
He ended up dumping me when we got back then spent the next two years pestering me to get back together as 'he'd made a mistake and did actually love me after all' .

I was so desperate to make it work that I accepted his terrible behaviour for over a year together and then for months and months after it finished. It took me a long time to realise how shitty a relationship it had been and now I look back and am disgusted with myself for letting him treat me like crap.

You don't need to explain anything to him. Just dump him and block him - he will drive you insane. He's even taken away your sense that you can make that choice. You don't need his permission to end it, just do it. It's a shit relationship.

Everyone has the right to end a relationship for whatever reason. You don't need his agreement

There's so many of these manipulative, emotionally abusive assholes about isn't there? They particularly like to target independent, vibrant strong women and enjoy bringing them down. He will be jealous of your lifestyle and lovely home and son. When I think back to how I used to appease mine, tying myself in knots, I too felt angry in myself for allowing it to go on.

The support on these threads are amazing and really helped to understand what had happened.

He doesn't deserve a discussion on why you are ending it. You don't even need to tell him over the phone. An email or text saying its not working for you, this relationship is over.

I suspect that if I try and explain all of this to him, he'll twist it, so is it even worth it? Do I just say it's not working and leave?

You do not explain anything

You text him to tell him it's over and then you block him ....On every possible platform

Then ....should he contact you in any way at all, you call the police and ask their advice and log the incident with them

Do not mess around being passive or understanding

Get rid of him now

Sounds horrible. You would have had more fun away relaxing on your own. You don’t have to put up with his behaviour it’s dragging you down. Personally I would end it as would you want the rest of your life looking like this?

I think when you finish it with him he'll keep pushing you for the reasons why, why, WHY. And then when you try to explain yourself and mention eg the 3 mile walk in heels he'll scoff and start mocking you for dumping him because "it didn't occur to him that you needed a taxi", or "you are dumping me because that bar was closed when we got there, I knew you were annoyed about that", etc.

This is part of the game (abuse). Make it so petty and ridiculous that when you bring it up he denies it and then you look ridiculous, and then he sits there feigning disbelief that you would end a relationship over the fact he didn't join in your song when he was reading the menu and omigod your crazy high maintenance, blah blah blah.

That's what he'll do. Be prepared for that. Don't get into a discussion about it.

I was with someone like this for years, he won't change, op, this is him in
all his pathetic glory.

There's no point in trying to explain to him, just dump him with a simple, 'it's not working.' Let him stew on that.

I'm so sorry OP that you were treated in this way.

There is absolutely nothibt wrong with wanting a hairdryer on holiday, to get public transport especially in the rain or to not want your partner to stare at his phone whilst at dinner.

These are all normal things however the way he treated you, is not okay at all.

We can all be a little grumpy on days and if it was a one off one day and he apologised and said he was still feeling a little stressed from home life, his children or work etc and then you carried on to have a lovely trip, I'd tell you to ignore that bad day but the whole trip sounded like he was absolutely vile to you.

You deserve better

He sounds nasty. Please end the relationship. You do not need his agreement to do this and if he says it’s all in your head, simply reply “you don’t make me happy”. He can’t argue with that.

Agree with pp - you do not need to explain things to him as to why it's not working. He'll either disagree making you feel foolish/guilt you back in to staying with him or else he'll promise to change and reel you back in - you'll find yourself back here saying the same things within a year.

Just say it's not working for you and block him. If you can do this you will feel so empowered.

Ah, you're married to a narcissist.

Would you explain to a lion that it is a lion and needs to realise that and not eat you? Of course not. I'm sure if it could talk it would try and convince you it wasn't a lion and it would never eat you too.

Ltb

Melanie Tonia Evans does some good YouTube videos on narcissists too.

Ah, you're married to a narcissist.

If you mean the OP, it's her boyfriend of not quite a year, not her husband.

It should not be such hard work, you deserve to enjoy your holiday not treading on eggshells and being undermined. The relationship is over.

Ah my bad, thought they'd been married a year. That's good there no legal ties to him then, no need to worry about a messy divorce at least.

You are not a fool.

You don't have to show him the list of his poor behaviour but keep it to remind yourself in case he tries to wheedle his way back in.

You don't have to get him to understand why you're dumping him. You can say he's too moody and his behaviour ruined your holiday. Nope it's not up for discussion, whatever his interpretation.

"Do I just say it's not working and leave?"

Yes and by text. Then you block him on all platforms. Doing otherwise will simply allow him to worm his way back into your life like previously.

BTW sulking is another form of emotional abuse. The responsibility for that is all his, why did you exactly try and jolly him out of this?.

He targeted you as well, of this I have no doubt whatsoever (and you are a single parent which for some abusers makes a more attractive proposition as well). Some abusive men like supposedly strong women because they see them as a challenge to bring down to their base level. Men like this too can erode perhaps already weakened boundaries, please look into enrolling yourself onto the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid. It is only when you are totally free of him will you realise the extent to which you (and in turn your child) have been abused here.

I agree with pp, don't give him a reason just say you don't think your suited and it's definitely not going to work between you both. Don't go into detail as he will try to derail you and blame you. You can't argue with " I just don't love you anymore "

It's good you don't live together. How about refusing to go away with him ever again.

This sounds awful, so sorry you are in this position.

I agree with PP's. No need to try and explain things. You don't want to be with him, you don't feel the same about him anymore. That's your explanation. End of. He can't argue with your feelings. They're YOUR feelings. So "I just don't feel the same way about you anymore" is sufficient. Let him look back and work out why you don't. This is so not normal and sounds exhausting.

He does it on holiday because you can't get away, you're stuck with him. Back at home he knows you have the option of walking away.. plus no abuser would be abusive all that time, otherwise no one would stay with them. So they all have periods of being nice.

I lived with one like your bf, married him and stayed with him for nearly 10 years, I can honestly say they never change and this will only get worse the more you forgive it and move on. A friend of mine knows my exh's new wife, they've been married for years now and she tells me he's still just as bad and his wife is really unhappy.

If you can’t have a good time with him on holiday, then when can you? You should both be relaxed and carefree and enjoying your time together.

He sounds horrible (I have been with a moody sulker and it’s soul destroying) and yes, end it but don’t analyse it too much and definitely don’t discuss it with him.