Abuse by exH towards dd. Please help

[worriedfordds]

Dd13 was shouted and sworn at and had an object thrown at her by her father. Social services have told me to suspend contact arrangements (court ordered) and I have done so. My solicitor is taking the necessary steps but has asked me to think about what outcome I want in all thiS aoart from keeping the dc safe of course. There is a long history of domestic abuse towards me, I've had a restraining order against him in the past but the judge said the kids had to go to contact. They are now considerably older and I'm hoping that this escalation towards dd will make the court listen for once about my concerns. I've been saying for years that I'm worried for them at their dads but social services haven't been too fussed and the court has said contact should go ahead.

Dd1 doesn't want to see him, dc2 does but is younger and doesn't quite understand and didn't witness the incident.

Has anyone any advice please?

Anybody?

Hello OP, I am not experienced enough to advise but I hope someone else will see this. My reply should bump it up in the conversation list.

You are doing absolutely the right thing by asking for contact to be safe,

Take advice from your solicitor particularly with regards to your 13 year old. Neither you nor she will want a repeat of the incident so if she doesn't want to see him confirm that she can refuse and he, via the courts, can't force her. As far as DC2 is concerned, if contact is to be maintained, this should be via a contact centre where your ex will be supervised. SS should back you up on this as they are aware of the incident in which DC1 was abused.

Thank you. I was thinking contact centre too. ExH'a gf and him have been emotionally abusive to Dd1 for years but now it's physical. A contact centre would ensure no abuse by the gf too.

At 12 my ds went nc with df despite a court order.
No repercussions at all.

@Rollonspringtime2020 my exH will accuse me of all sorts and take me to court over this . He would never accept dd going NC.

Do you have confirmation in writing from SS re contact?

It just continues to shock me that courts force contact on children even when there is DV against the mother. The assumption must be that the mother played a part therefore the children are not at risk. Abusers are bullies and if one person is removed they will just bully the next person available.

How old is the youngest? Does the oldest not want to go? Courts should listen to her but sadly some judges/Cafcass are so pro contact at all costs and PAS is used as justification.

I believe there is mothers support group but can't recall the name. Hopefully someone else will post details.

Horrible situation to be in as you want to protect your dc but need to follow legal advice which could be to facilitate contact at least for the youngest.

Is your solicitor trained in or have experience of DV cases? Abusers often use the family courts to further the abuse. You need someone with experience in this.

No one can advise without full details; I would change solicitor to someone experienced in DV.

You could try Rights of Women for advice and help in finding a good solicitor or the Family Law Panel who offer an initial free advice session (double check first though). The ones with a purple ribbon are trained in DV.

My solicitor is aware that exH has used the courts to continue the abuse. He's aware of all the previous abuse too.

I haven't got anything in writing from social services no. I spoke to women's aid and they said the same so it's on my record with them.

Youngest dc is 11.

At 11 and 13 their wishes will be very much heard op.

I hope so. She told the police officer she didn't want to see her dad because she was frightened and scared of what he might do next.

Is there a police report?

Yes

Mothers Unite is a support group as well as Justice for Mothers.

Whilst their voices will be heard courts try very hard to maintain contact with parents. A parent, who is abusive some of the time, is viewed as better than no parent.

At 9 and 7 my dc didn't have to see df due to his behaviour.. Judge's decision.

I'm hoping the police will update me soon. It's awful that abusive fathers still get unsupervised access to their kids.

Call for inquiry into abusive parents' access to children: www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-48230618

It's why you were advised to seek a solicitor with experience in DV and Family Law (courts) as it's not uncommon.

More info here:

Children and the law: when parents separate
What if the other parent is or has been abusive, or controlling towards me?
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/children-law-parents-separate/#abusive

I've been to court many times with exH. Cafcass are well aware that he abuses me via the courts and of the history of domestic abuse. All the abuse is on record. They just don't listen. Maybe now he's been violent towards dd then they will.

I would speak to her school. Update them. They are a professional body who can support you and dd. A court would be interested if they had info to give in your case.

Sorry, I should have said, school are aware already of past issues but the police are also informing them of the latest. I've emailed the HT about this incident too.

wishing you strength for the battle ahead

Id definitely be pushing for all contact via a contact centre. If court won't support eldest going NC maybe you could offer other forms of contact for eldest that don't enable X to be physically abusive, like regular Skype or face time contact or worst case contact centre.

Thank you. He will deny everything as he always has done. Dd told the police he would too. I imagine it will all kick off when my solicitor comes back off holiday on Monday. He emailed exH before he went away so I'm not aware of any reply yet.
I hate that he's done this to dd not only for the abuse itself but for all the consequences of it and the things dd will have to go through as a result like talking to the police and social services and no doubt cafcass. They are due to start a domestic abuse support group for children as had been referred before Christmas and I'm even more glad of that now because they'll need it more than ever.

My exh's hatred towards me was his downfall in court. His facade fell and the Judge saw him for what he was. An abusive bully.
You can win op.
You and dd.
Because you are telling the truth..

I'm lying awake trying to brace myself for the shit hitting the fan tomorrow when my solicitor no doubt gets an aggressive and threatening email or call from my exH.