Abuse by exH towards dd. Please help

[worriedfordds]

Dd13 was shouted and sworn at and had an object thrown at her by her father. Social services have told me to suspend contact arrangements (court ordered) and I have done so. My solicitor is taking the necessary steps but has asked me to think about what outcome I want in all thiS aoart from keeping the dc safe of course. There is a long history of domestic abuse towards me, I've had a restraining order against him in the past but the judge said the kids had to go to contact. They are now considerably older and I'm hoping that this escalation towards dd will make the court listen for once about my concerns. I've been saying for years that I'm worried for them at their dads but social services haven't been too fussed and the court has said contact should go ahead.

Dd1 doesn't want to see him, dc2 does but is younger and doesn't quite understand and didn't witness the incident.

Has anyone any advice please?

ExH has denied everything and said she's made it up

Then he is giving your solicitor good ammunition isn't he?
My exh bubbled and bubbled on the stand until he let rip. Security were called as he tried to attack me whilst still under oath and in the box!
Enough rope and all that op.
Patience...

Oh my god that's awful. I'm so sorry you went through that.

ExH always denies everything and gaslights us until we doubt ourselves. I always come out looking like the bad guy trying to alienate the kids.

Sounds really tough - I have a similar situation with dd(12) and her father. He hasn't thrown anything at her but is verbally aggressive on a frequent basis. She still wants to see him, but a lot of it is based on her sense of guilt. We had a chat last night about the whole FOG (fear/obligation/guilt) thing. In some ways I feel I'm running down the clock until she can make up her own mind.

The only slight consolation is that your dcs are also close to ageing out of the situation, and your dd1 sees him for who he is now. I wish you strength in what I hope is your last battle with him.

Maybe I should have the FOG chat with dd too. Can you recommend any resources?

I have a feeling he'll get away with this abuse too like he got away with the abuse of me. He's Teflon. Always was even when we first met.

Be honest about you relationship with her df. Abusive relationships need to be discussed age appropriately so she can beware herself -
She needs to be assertive with him and carry those skills into adult life.

She knows. Well she knows the physical stuff but not the sexual stuff. That was a step too far to share.

you believe her and thats the main thing... let him take you to court if she is brave enough to tell cafcass she doesnt want to see him then ...its highly unlikely she will have too
do either of tehm have counselling support at school? it maybe useful for younger dd as well so she has support that isnt just your word for court or access via gp?

So sorry to hear this
Being taken to court by an abusive ex at the moment

It is just so upsetting

Wishing you the very best
Got great advice on here so do keep posting and keep us updated
Will be thinking of you and your DC ❤️❤️❤️

No real recommendations for resources, OP. Most of what I know about FOG comes from references on Mumsnet. I felt that it was enough to introduce dd the concept at this point: "Just because you feel guilty doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. Some people put a lot of effort into making you feel guilty so they can get you to act in a certain way".

Don't worry too much about whether he "gets away" with it or not. The main thing is how you can help your dcs be as unscathed as possible. My view is that even if you can't stop them from being treated this way, giving them the message that it's not okay to be treated like this is already a protective factor. It's when children internalise the message that this is normal that it becomes most harmful.

And yeah, I don't think you need to get into the sexual stuff with her.

First Get in writing from social services. YOU MUST DO THIS. You need an interim letter confirming they are supporting stopping contact while they investigate.

Second Do not "stop contact". "You are happy to support contact but at the children's pace, indirect contact via Skype best meets their needs at this moment in time", on repeat...

Cover your back as well

Unfortunately SS haven't made any notes on the call as they told me to safeguard the kids and get legal advice and didn't feel it needed ss involvement I checked on this today. When they get the police report they might change their tune. They have proved useless in the past.

Get straight back onto social services. They need to be backing you up on this. Are police prosecuting that would help?

The officer who came out is away until tomorrow so I'm expecting an update then.

My DC went through this starting at 8&9. It was long and painful but their father lost parental responsibility which was beyond our wildest hopes.

Get everything documented. Good solicitor -best you can afford. You need to fight the long game.

In my case DC1 was the one that felt sorry for her Dad. I said that if she went it would be alone and I'd no longer force DC2 to go. She decided to take a 3 month break and then re-evaluate. In that time she understood how unhealthy it was. Not seen him since.

The school forced me to take it back to court. As he refused to sign for them to go there despite us having moved and the kids being there for a year. He'd not seen them for 2 years at this point.

I went through out of the fog website with DC - impact of fathers behavior on kids. It blew eldest child's mind that this website was describing her Dad. Very powerful.

I’m pretty sure children aged 12 or so can make their own decisions re contact and cannot be forced to see the NRP. I mean, will he seriously physically force her to go? It can’t be done.

Dd is really struggling at the moment. Unwell, tearful, angry, overwhelmed by anyone other than us in the house. I've let her stay home. Normally I push her to go to school if a bit under the weather as invariably she's fine once there and with her friends. But this is different. I feel like she needs the security of home and being with me. She's wanting lots of hugs which is quite nice as normally it's just not cool to hug me Her dad will go nuts that she's off school but my instinct is to give her what she needs. She's been really sweet and thankful that I've been understanding bless her. Dads view is that unless you're dying you go to school even if infectious. He's a prize twat.

Did you ever get an update?

Your poor dd. It sounds like your ex's voice is still in your head and you're hyper-aware of his take on things. His word isn't law. Big deal if he goes nuts. Contact is suspended so neither your nor your dcs need to listen to him on the subject. Let him fume away in his own head, not in yours.

No update. The officer said he'd phone me yesterday but didn't. I'm just about to chase him up again.

Indeed, ex can go fuck himself. It's just he tries to use any absence from school against me. He's accused me of having Munchausens by proxy before and reported it to social services. Bastard.

Yes, mine reported me to SS for injuring dd on multiple occasions. They investigated several times, but she didn't actually have any injuries on any of those occasions, other than a minor graze where she fell over in a playground once. He really went for it - she had an overnight stay in hospital and x-rays when he brought her in to A&E, alleging I had damaged her ribs. There was obviously nothing to find. Social services eventually warned him that they would have to offer him an intervention help him to "manage his anxieties" and he stopped making reports.

Wtf is wrong with these dads?

A referral has gone through to SS now and I'm expecting to hear from them by next week.

My solicitor is dealing with it from the legal point of view too.

Just a waiting game now.

Good things are moving on for you, worried. I really hope that things are getting to a point where your concerns are granted.

If it helps, the judge in our case made an order to say that I have to allow contact for four hours a fortnight, and anything beyond that is within my discretion to allow or not allow. Dd is currently having more contact EOW, but It's reassuring for both her and for me that I can pull it right back if he starts getting really awful again.

*where your concerns are listened to, that meant to say