Abuse by exH towards dd. Please help

[worriedfordds]

Dd13 was shouted and sworn at and had an object thrown at her by her father. Social services have told me to suspend contact arrangements (court ordered) and I have done so. My solicitor is taking the necessary steps but has asked me to think about what outcome I want in all thiS aoart from keeping the dc safe of course. There is a long history of domestic abuse towards me, I've had a restraining order against him in the past but the judge said the kids had to go to contact. They are now considerably older and I'm hoping that this escalation towards dd will make the court listen for once about my concerns. I've been saying for years that I'm worried for them at their dads but social services haven't been too fussed and the court has said contact should go ahead.

Dd1 doesn't want to see him, dc2 does but is younger and doesn't quite understand and didn't witness the incident.

Has anyone any advice please?

Yes, I feel like I'm being listened to now. I just hope the powers that be listen and make things better.

Fingers crossed for you!

I hope things get sorted

Poor dd just wants things to be how they were when she was very little and her dad was here. To her it was idyllic. It was far from that for me but to her it was perfect. She was sobbing her heart out last night bless her. She was only 5 when he left.
I've got a domestic abuse worker coming to see me today. Dds are on the list for counselling and I'm hoping SS will be in touch too.

It's great that you're getting this support in place. I know what you mean about dd being nostalgic for the past. It's very like leaving an abusive relationship as an adult - you're not so much mourning the reality, but your hopes and dreams about what the relationship could have been if only they had chosen to act differently and been the person you wanted them to be. It's hard to let go of that.

I'm very much doubting that court will stipulate no contact at all. What level of contact might be appropriate if I have to allow it? A contact centre isn't feasible due to location and opening times.

I've just gone through a similar situation with a friend, won't bore you with all the details but end result was as her DS was 13 and doesn't want to see his father the courts have accepted this and he is not being forced to. My friend was advised over the age of 10 provided they can articulate their reason for not going generally the courts will accept this and not force the contact.

As your child is 13 are there any restaurants/cafes they could meet at for a couple of hours? They need to be reasonably busy but not so busy they can't get seats. This means if he kicks off he will be witnessed.

Also if your child has any hobbies that means she has to attend things it would help put a limit on their time together.

In my case, we were given a stipulated minimum of 4 hours per fortnight, with an understanding that I will facilitate more providing exH is being reasonably okay. In some ways it's not ideal, as it made exH furious for me to have that degree of "power" and "control", always trigger points for him. On the other, it does give a bit of flexibility to take into account exH's behaviour, which does get better or worse depending on what else is going on in his life, without endlessly getting dragged back into court. We were also barred from coming back to court without special permission for three years.

I was thinking costa or similar but they won't get to see their pets or the kids at his house then. And that's who they miss. He'd probably come up with reasons he can't be restricted to my town like needing to take his gfs kids to swimming or whatever. He will only do something if it benefits him in some way and DDs would have to fit around all the other kids.

Perhaps indirect contact via Skype/ FaceTime is best going forward if he refuses neutral locations. But that's for future really, right now you just need to focus on dd and getting ss/ the court etc on side. Ime at 13 her wishes will be considered- my nephew stopped seeing my useless abusive sister at 11- as soon as he could get ss/ cafcass/ courts to listen to his voice basically. Before that he was forced and his dad accused of parental alienation / abuse himself if and when nephew refused to go.

The court have asked for more information. A CA1 form perhaps? with details of the abuse towards me and the children and previous non-molestation order. My solicitor had an ready filled it out and it was hard reading. I find I've normalised things so much over the years that in my head it's just what happened and I'm very matter of fact about it. Seeing it written down is really hard to deal with.
On that form it asks about what contact I'd be prepared to allow. Solicitor has ticked "no "for any type of contact until things can be sorted. From the way he's worded it he's saying no direct contact at all until somehow the relationship between the dds and their dad can be repaired due to the damage it's suffered.
It all feels very serious and scary.

C1A form that should say.

Well that sounds good to me.

The court may award more than that but hopefully not.

KOKO

Ex is claiming there was no report to SS or the police abc that no application has been submitted to the court. He claims they have all told him there is no record of me doing any of this. What rot. It is all documented.

Reminds of ex who blithely sat in court claiming I was not granted a non mol. He had merely agreed mutually to stay away from the former marital home, despite hardship to him for doing so!

The bizarrest thing was his barrister repeated this lie to the judges face.
I flicked through the evidence file, found the non-mol filed there in all its glory and suggested to my barrister he draw the judges attention to it.

The ensuing discussion between a very angry judge and ex’s barrister was very funny to witness.

He will most certainly trip himself up over this one. Make sure you have a copy of your non-mil, a copy of the police report, letters from school about anything your daughter has said to the school regarding this incident. And submit everything in as proof.

Also make sure you keep copies of all documents just in case things get lost.

There is a record of everything. I have the police log numbers, names of the officers I've spoken to, names of those at social services I've spoken to, and have emailed my solicitor with updates and dates, names etc. I got into the habit years ago of ensuring there was a record of everything that happened.

My solicitor is hoping to hear something soon from the court but if not will chase it up.

Dd said only last night that she is scared her dad will try and grab her at school. He's refusing to accept that there is no contact at present so every tine he is due to have contact I have to make sure they are safe by varying attendance and pick up. I shouldn't have to do this. It's causing so much anxiety for the children and me. School have been great and very supportive. They are used to him.

We are finally making progress and ss have been in touch with a plan.
Tonight it has transpired from younger dd that the incident occurred because gf said he was jealous and angry that dd wanted to be with me not him. It's like he had a tantrum and dd bore the brunt of it. She doesn't deserve that.