I really don't think I want another child

[5outof7]

I'm in my mid thirties, married very young and have two DC, aged 10 and 8. I'm now divorced and have been with my partner for 2.5 years. We moved in together last summer.

He dotes on my two children, but would dearly love a child if his own. I honestly thought I was done. I was a SAHM with my DC and really struggled. I was bored and lonely and generally don't get the joy from playing with young children that other parents seem to. However, I thoroughly enjoy them now. They're fantastic company, lovely well adjusted children, and they've made me who I am today.

My life is different now. I have re established my career, earn decent money, and generally have a life that I didn't have before. I have shared custody with my ExH so even get the odd night out and frequent lie ins. My life is pretty good.

My partner is amazing. He's loving, intelligent, and is the only person I've met who genuinely cares about me. I've never had this from my ExH, friends or even my parents. I love him very much. But having children is a deal breaker for him. He absolutely wants a child. Which is fair enough. He has an idealised idea about what it will be like to have a child, which is again fair enough. I do worry that he'll find it hard like I did, but he acknowledges this and says he wants to be a father anyway.

I got myself excited about it, and we agreed we'd start trying now. But I have massive cold feet about it. I went out with the kids yesterday with some friends. It was so easy, my kids are bigger that most of theirs and they needed minimal supervision. So I was free to just chat with my friends or laugh with the kids. Then I had a lie in this morning, knowing my kids can get themselves up and get their own breakfast. I feel so sad at the thought of giving all of that up.

I know we can do the whole taking it in turns at the weekend to lie in etc. but I've been there and done that and it's just not the same as the freedom I have now.

But is it worth giving up a wonderful relationship for the sake of a few years of restrictions? I know I would love any baby I had dearly. I'm not worried about not bonding with it. I'm just worried about my need to be selfish. My life would be different this time around, I'd continue to work full time (much better for my mental health) and I'd be financially in a much better position, so could enjoy a lot of the things I couldn't have previously.

I'm sorry it's a bit of a ramble, but I'm struggling here and I don't know what to do.

I could have written that myself. My situation is almost identical, but for the fact that my dp is willing to accept no children. But I can see he really wants one

I have two dd, one 18 and one 12 and I totally get the wanting to be selfish thing. I just cannot go back to uncertain sleep, massively reduced social life, losing my figure again.

I also think it would be unfair on my dds. They're used to life as it is and it would be a huge upheaval.

The bottom line is that I just don't want another child. But I will always feel guilty.

Sorry not to be more help.

It sounds like a really hard situation but I totally understand where you're coming from. At the end of the day, your life/health will be far more impacted by having another baby, not to mention any impact on your older DC. And it's not just a few years of restrictions, it's signing up for at least another 16-18 years of raising a child. What if that child ends up having additional needs?

I think honest communication with your OH is the only way forward and I really sympathise with both of you

I sympathise with you OP we are the same age and I have 4 DC ranging from 16-8 and I knew as soon as my last child was born I didn’t want any more. I think when you’re in the baby/ toddler phase adding another child is ok but when you get a snippet of freedom after that phase you don’t want to let it go! I think you have to be honest with your DP because I think if you had another child and lost your freedom you may resent him in the end.

Not a nice situation to be in and i sympathise.

However, i dont think anyone should deny the right for somebody to become a parent. So if having another baby with your new partner (who is childless) isnt something you want. You have to let them go.
They maybe happy with settling and not having children now, but they cant know how they will feel in a year, in 10 or in forty when they are elderly and reflecting on life and regrets.

My kids have just turned 12 and 9... and 8 months. All with the same partner. I didn't have a great time with either of the first two as babies although have loved it (and them of course) ever since. I had the life you describe and was loving it. But DH had always wanted a bigger family and even the two kids asked often (they have young cousins they are close to which often prompted this). So while I was really not very keen we did get a bit "careless" about prevention and surprise surprise got pregnant.

I was pretty terrified and sort of mourning the loss of all the things you describe, and the potential change in our lovely family dynamic, but it's actually very very different this time. For one thing, there are 4 of us who are able to look after him... so I have had loads more sleep than with either of the other two, and get to eat a meal or drink a coffee in peace far more often. And the older two kids absolutely dote on him! They make him laugh like no one else can, and my 9 year old son has matured in really lovely ways since his arrival.

Lastly, having two children who have grown up "just fine" has given me a whole lot more confidence this time round so there is far less worry and stress.

I'm not saying you should have a baby if you don't want to my any means, but just wanted to share some of my experiences of your fears.

So you are looking at a few years of feeling tied due to a new baby and then a future with three loved children and a happy relationship versus a future with two loved children and possibly being single and alone or in an unhappy relationship.

Untimely it comes down to if he is worth it or not and if you don’t think so, the kindest thing to do is end the relationship straightaway before your children are anymore attached to him and vice versa.

I could have written your post 15 years ago. It's tough.

In the end we decided not to have a child, mainly because of the impact on my existing dc - how would our 'family' life be curtailed by having a baby added into the mix, and how would it be for existing dc to be shuttling between two homes when the baby stayed with me all the time? When dc were teenage and dealing with difficult stuff / emotions, I was doubly glad that I didn't also have a 4 or 5 year old to worry about.

Would you both be happy if he took the parental leave off work rather than you? I know it’s not just about that bit but maybe that might help?

Second what @KidCaneGoat said. If he isn't willing to take the lions share of parental leave then I wouldn't do it in your position. If he is happy to make the sacrifices on his career then great. Again it's only one aspect but has an impact

Please don't have a child if you don't want one

Hi op

As awful as the thought is, may I also add that you can't actually be sure any future baby won't have problems. No one is guaranteed to have a healthy child every time.

I'm not currently in a relationship so can't comment on how I'd feel or whether or not I'd waver at all in my decision not to have more children if a partner who wanted one was involved....but....

For me I just can't see it. Mine are 13 & 11. Adore them. They are brilliant kids. I am complimented on how amazing my children are by everyone who comes in contact with them. But I can't do the baby/toddler years again. And after working in childcare for two years (ended that job in 2019) I know with absolute certainty that I don't want to redo those younger years. So I would never even date someone who was open about wanting their own kid. And I'm pretty certain that if I was with someone who came out with that later in the relationship....that relationship for me would probably end. I just wouldn't do it.

That's just me though. If you think you can pull through and see a benefit to that choice down the road then it might be worth it for you. I just wouldn't do it personally

Come clean and let him go so he can find someone else to have a child with.

Not fair to keep leading him on

Don't lead him on. If this is a fundamental difference between you then it is over. Given that you know this is a deal-breaker for him he must have been honest with you about it so return the favour.

Don’t lead him on

I was 8 when my DS was born and I loved it. I remember so much and mum said that I was a great help.
Much the same with my four, whilst the age gap isn't that big, the older ones help out with the younger ones and play with them a lot. It's not as intense as it was with the first two.

Only you know what you want to do. If you will resent an additional child, then let him go to find a new partner to raise a family with. If you can't imagine life without him, then talk through your fears and take the next step together.

Good luck!

What are his expectations? What if it was his career, not yours that takes the hit, and he took the paternity leave? Would that change it for you?

Thank you for all of your comments, whilst they've been difficult to read they're all valued.

Oddly enough maternity doesn't bother me, I'm happy to take a few months off, and the baby years were fine with my two DC (despite neither of them being great sleepers).

It's the toddler years I'm afraid of. The sheer boredom of standing at the playground at 8am on a Tuesday morning in winter. But again I know deep down this is because it was the entirety of my life. I was also in a very unhappy and controlling marriage, with no money and no life outside my children.

My partner now is very different. He's not perfect in his own way, he's lazy at times which worries me. However he's also emotionally switched on, and understands my apprehensions. He reassures me that I'll still get 'me time' (and I believe him, he often volunteers to take my DC places to give me a rest). And we also have the finances now to pay for cleaners etc if that aspect became too much.

As for my DC, I worried a lot in the early days of deciding how this would affect them, however I'm pretty certain they'd welcome a younger sibling. They're both very maternal (unlike their Mother!) and I know them well enough to know they'd enjoy it.

I think, like you've said, you have to remind yourself that you're in a completely different situation than you was last time. It's a hard decision but it is ultimately a deal breaker. I really hope you decide soon as you'll defiantly have to let him know as you don't want to lead him on - I know it seems scary basically starting all over again but try and think of the positives too especially in a happier relationship, older kids that may wanna help out etc

I think apart from anything else, you would need to have a much more detailed discussion with your partner about the work involved with a baby. You say he has an idealised idea of what having a baby means, and that he is lazy. Those two things sound alarm bells to me.

Would he be the one to take the child to nursery/school and pick it up? Would you be able to get on with your career?

Will he get up at night, do the thinking about food, arrangements, the 101 things that you need to sort out for children?

Talk, talk and talk some more before you throw away those contraception pills .

It's the toddler years I'm afraid of. The sheer boredom of standing at the playground at 8am on a Tuesday morning in winter.

Isn’t that what nursery/childminder/nanny is for?

Just popping in to say that I've never went to playground at 8am with my toddler. She likes her lie ins.

Ps when my little sister was a toddler she used to get up in the morning, jump into my bed and we'd watch peppa pig til about 9-10am! We loved our little lie-ins, you'd have to be awake obviously but you could still relax it just completely depends on the child

I’m 8 months pregnant with my third but I wouldn’t be having any more if I was in your position. My two are 5.5 and 3.9 and I’m already mourning the loss of freedom this step back to baby land represents.

Overall I’m glad to be having one more but if the older two were any bigger I think the negatives would outweigh the positives for me. It’s a personal decision but it’s hard to face those sleepless nights and tantrums again just as things get easier. You have to want it for yourself, doing it for a partner -particularly one prone to laziness - may well breed resentment.