I really don't think I want another child

[5outof7]

I'm in my mid thirties, married very young and have two DC, aged 10 and 8. I'm now divorced and have been with my partner for 2.5 years. We moved in together last summer.

He dotes on my two children, but would dearly love a child if his own. I honestly thought I was done. I was a SAHM with my DC and really struggled. I was bored and lonely and generally don't get the joy from playing with young children that other parents seem to. However, I thoroughly enjoy them now. They're fantastic company, lovely well adjusted children, and they've made me who I am today.

My life is different now. I have re established my career, earn decent money, and generally have a life that I didn't have before. I have shared custody with my ExH so even get the odd night out and frequent lie ins. My life is pretty good.

My partner is amazing. He's loving, intelligent, and is the only person I've met who genuinely cares about me. I've never had this from my ExH, friends or even my parents. I love him very much. But having children is a deal breaker for him. He absolutely wants a child. Which is fair enough. He has an idealised idea about what it will be like to have a child, which is again fair enough. I do worry that he'll find it hard like I did, but he acknowledges this and says he wants to be a father anyway.

I got myself excited about it, and we agreed we'd start trying now. But I have massive cold feet about it. I went out with the kids yesterday with some friends. It was so easy, my kids are bigger that most of theirs and they needed minimal supervision. So I was free to just chat with my friends or laugh with the kids. Then I had a lie in this morning, knowing my kids can get themselves up and get their own breakfast. I feel so sad at the thought of giving all of that up.

I know we can do the whole taking it in turns at the weekend to lie in etc. but I've been there and done that and it's just not the same as the freedom I have now.

But is it worth giving up a wonderful relationship for the sake of a few years of restrictions? I know I would love any baby I had dearly. I'm not worried about not bonding with it. I'm just worried about my need to be selfish. My life would be different this time around, I'd continue to work full time (much better for my mental health) and I'd be financially in a much better position, so could enjoy a lot of the things I couldn't have previously.

I'm sorry it's a bit of a ramble, but I'm struggling here and I don't know what to do.

*its the toddler years I'm afraid of. The sheer boredom of standing at the playground at 8am on a Tuesday morning in winter.

Isn’t that what nursery/childminder/nanny is for?*

Ha ha yes she can forget all about the kid and the willing dp can do everything at the weekends
And soon her older ones will be old enough to look after the wee thing

Perfect

My thing would be all the pick ups and drop offs, school gate hell, would he do all that and you work full time?

Ha ha yes she can forget all about the kid and the willing dp can do everything at the weekends
And soon her older ones will be old enough to look after the wee thing

Don’t be so ridiculous. The OP has already talked about her career so it’s reasonable to think returning is a likelihood and maternity leave ends after a year, just as a child becomes a toddler. A large number of toddlers and preschoolers are in some form of childcare during the week whilst their parents work. So if there is a part of parenting you dislike (eg messy play, playgrounds etc) then your child can still enjoy them whilst you are busy elsewhere. It actually is perfect. HTH.

Realistically you also have to factor in how you'd feel if you and your DP ended the relationship at any point after the baby was born. You say he's an amazing partner, which I'm sure is true, but that doesn't guarantee forever. Having a baby is something you should want for yourself, not for someone else. Bec that someone else may not always be in your life.

I was in a vaguely similar situation - two kids, new partner, shared custody with ex, good job etc etc. Wasn’t a deal breaker for new partner having a child but I could tell he wanted one. I wasn’t particularly desperate for a third child but equally I love my partner and my feeling was that if he wanted one then I would have one for him. We discussed it and said he was on the fence - but I think he said that as he knows how difficult I find my eldest (for numerous reasons). We agreed we’d “see what happens”. Fast forward and we now have an 8 month old. My eldest two are 9 and 6. I am 42. My DP absolutely loves the baby as do my eldest one. I have no regrets (although I am pretty knackered!).

So if you were to have another child how would it affect you for things like school runs, bearing in mind your current two would be doing it themselves by the time your youngest hit school? Who would be doing the main caring generally? You say you've got to a nice place in your career - how would taking time out again affect that?

And, would your current partner fancy doing the SAHP or going part-time and taking a career break to do all the school runs and so on?

I would not have another child in your shoes. No way. He's lazy, for starters, that's a no brainer. There's every chance you could wind up a single mum of 3, he can walk away and leave you if he finds it doesn't work how he thought. And yy, the whole toddler and early school years, if you're not 100% on board, don't go there! You don't owe anyone a child. BUT you need to be honest with him about it all and most of all, take charge of bulletproof contraception. I'd look at getting sterilised (a lot of trusts won't pay for female contraception anymore and privately it's about 3k).

I wouldn't go for any of the he can be SAHP or go PT blah blah blah because the bottom line is that men walk away from their children far more than women.

And I would never have a child with anyone who was lazy, no matter how much they swore to change or we talked about it blah blah blah. Nope.

You may well decide in the end to have a baby with him but will he be happy with just one child of his own or will he then want another one? Its possible....it must be such a dilemma for you.

I could have written this post myself a few years ago. Same situation...35...divorced with 2 kids, 14 & 8. My now husband desperately wanted a child of his own and I felt all the things you are feeling now. Ultimately only you can make the decision. I now have a wonderful little boy who is 3 and a half.

I never enjoyed my other children as toddlers but I’m loving it this time around and I’m nearly 40 now. My husband is the best Dad to our little one and fantastic with my other two. It’s a very different situation to have a child with someone in a good relationship. Just discuss it all beforehand and make sure you know he’ll do his share. I am now the one feeling broody for another and my husband won’t budge! It’s a big no no after he realised how much work kids are🤣

The best advice i was ever given when it came to deciding to have a child was:

If your partner dropped if the face of the earth tomorrow, would you still want one?

There lies your answer.

9/10 its women left holding the baby if things go tits up for whatever reason. You could split for whatever reason and he'd get to back to lifr as it was before with the only change being he has his kid every other weekend and pays maintenance. He could start over, meet someone else, move abroad etc and no one would bat an eyelid. You on the other hand would be a single mum of 3, unable to date and socialise whilst he swans off and drops in as and when. Society wouldnt think anything wrong of him.

If you yourself want a baby 110% for the sake of the baby itself and not the whole 'family' fantasy then although you'd be hurt, it wouldn't make any difference to you in regards to your baby. You wanted the baby, your partner was the bonus.

My point being, if you center your decisions around a man you are literally putting the course of your life in his hands. Humans are fickle beings. We fall in and out of love, change over time, want different things and even change in character.
Therefore your major life decisions must be yours and yours alone. You cannot depend on anyone else in this world, especially romantic partners.

That's not me trying to be negative but me more being realistic amd pragmatic. I believe you have to be as a woman with regards to children.

I'd want an agreement that he would do a good amount of the baby work before considering it.

The night feeds, early mornings, nursery drop offs etc.

I had 2 DC... DH wanted more...I said no unless he confirmed he would do a lot more than with the first 2... he refused...so I said no more DC.

I wasn't about to go back to the baby years and do the lions share.

Spot on, Thickums. Wouldn't bother with agreements. They're not married and even if they were, he could still swan off. He can swear up hill and down dale he'll do XYZ, but if the shit hits the fan and he finds it too much (she said he was lazy) he won't do any of it.

Have you discussed him being the one to take time off with the baby, what happens when it's sick, who gets to work and who stays home. Despite saying he's desperate for a baby is he willing to put his career on hold and take extended paternity leave to allow you to go straight back to work? Also, if you aren't married is that something that needs to happen before you have a baby (depends on your finances obviously but if you would struggle if he left you it's worth thinking about).

Hes lazy.

And if he dumped you, you would rue the day you were convinced to have another. He would do what almost all men do - leave the holding the baby.

Those two things alone would make it a no from me. I think you would be really foolish to give in to his wants on this one, op.

Added to that - having a baby whose parents are always together, having an intact family life, whilst the older children get packed off to dads periodically... I know folk allow this to happen all the time, but i think it is quite cruel tbh.

Thank you again for all of your messages.

We had a frank discussion this morning. I explained my fears and apprehensions and basically had a good ugly cry. He absolutely shone through. He listened carefully, helped me unpick the reasons behind my worries, and generally gave me the good support he always does.

He's very firm on the fact that I have to make the decision myself, and that I only have to look at the impact on myself (and my DC), not on him. He offered me no pressure to decide one way or another, and that if I wanted to take my time then so be it. If the decision is a no, then it's up to him and his emotions what he does with that. He said it would not necessarily be the end of the relationship if I decided no, but that obviously he would have to examine his own feelings about it if that were the case.

He was meant to go out with friends this afternoon but he's cancelled. He recognised that I'm feeling somewhat fragile. He's done this before in the past.

I have a lot to think about and will take in board what you are all saying, I just thought it was worth an update of sorts.

Is he intending to be a SAHD?

Pinky - No, we would both continue our jobs on compressed hours. We both get a lot of fulfillment from our careers. And it wouldn't make sense either for him to quit as he earns 50% more than me. Being a SAHM previously, it would be an absolute no for me to stop working.

I should also add we're booking a civil partnership in the upcoming weeks, hence the term DP. So I will be protected long term financially.

Sorry, that seemed a bit weird. I meant that we had discussed booking a civil partnership before my worries came to a boil this week. Obviously this would need to be thought of a bit more carefully now, however if I did decide to have another baby we are both in agreement this would happen as well.

OP, it sounds like you hated the baby years.. but partly because you were stuck at home and it didn’t suit you. Things are different now - you can both work and you can continue your career. Personally I would not deny my partner a child of their own. I think you can get through the baby years while still working and maintain a happy unit. Don’t forget your older kids can also help with the baby.

You don't want another child, don't have one, you do not have to 'give' a man a child. If he isn't happy with you not wanting kids he shouldn't be with you. It's your life, having another baby will completely change that.

Your life is changed more by having a baby, and let's face it, if you split you'd be the one left to bring up the child alone as this is society's expectation. You can both find other partners, but bringing a child into the world grudgingly or as a compromise just isn't healthy.

If you split you will be left holding the baby, or doing 50/50. That's the bottom line.

Mate don't do it

You'll be having this baby for HIM and he could leave once reality sets in.

Also they all promise how they'll do their share, blah blah but often the man's life barely changes while the woman's is altered in so many ways.

Agree with twenty about whose life changes the most, and once you're pregnant you have zero leverage over a lazy man, you're reduced to nagging, which sours a relationship quickly.

With childcare if push comes to shove the higher earner's job is usually protected and prioritised, especially if they secretly decide staying at home is a bit boring.

Some wise words on this thread. Only have another baby if YOU want one come what may.