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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What is going on in my marriage?! Please Help!

55 replies

BlueTide · 03/01/2020 23:38

We have 3 DC all in primary school, own house together, both work professional jobs, been together 14 years, met married and pregnant within a few months - far too quickly really, and he was fabulous in the beginning. He has always been introverted with hardly any friends, all our friends are mine, I am very sociable. We have had our ups and downs. Something he has always done but started to do more frequently now is to tell me I am an abusive partner, which I obviously don't think I am, and when I ask him why, or to tell me what I did, he will say things like
"Can't you see it?"
"you have been abusive since the day I met you"
"Gosh you're so abusive you can't even recognise it"
"But I still love you a lot, no one will love an abusive woman like you except me"
I have asked him why he chooses to love such an abusive woman like me, his answer is because he does, and can't help who he loves.
I have lots of lovely friends, and I pointed out to DH that if I was such a bad person all these people wouldn't want to be my friends, he says it's because I am not in a close relationship with them so I don't abuse them, or that I hide my true self from them.
I have always stood up for myself to him, and he hates that, and has often expected me to go along with what he says, which I don't, an example would be he doesn't want me to go for a spa evening at a friends house because he doesn't like her, I go anyway, and he won't speak to me for days after, but will still try sex, which I refuse, then also get told I am being abusive, or that there is something wrong with me.
He has been abusive to me in the past, all verbal, but often gives me the silent treatment one minute, then asks about have a fourth dc the next day, which baffles me.
I am getting very fed up with all this, and cannot stand the atmosphere, his moods, and when I might next get called an abusive partner.
What is this all about?
And yes I have thought about leaving on and off for the last year or so.

OP posts:

Kitkatandcoffee · 03/01/2020 23:58

My ex husband said this to me. It wasn’t true about just as it isn’t true about you. It is emotional abuse and a way to control you.
I am now happily remarried for 15 years. My husband now says I am the easiest person to live with and that I am lovely natured.
Think you should leave you will be happier on your own than living liking this with him trying to put you down.

BumbleBeee69 · 04/01/2020 00:04

he's a gas lighting bastard.... is what is going on in your marriage OP

Krazynights34 · 04/01/2020 00:11

I can assure you, he is one abusive bastard!
That is calculated from the outset. Designed to control you and stop you doing what you want.
I have a similar problem but cannot yet deal with it for DC reasons.
Took me a long time to realise.
Have you read Lundy Bancroft’s book “why does he do this”?
Please do.
Have you got a or a few really close friends you can talk to (both before you read the book but also after because it gave me panic attacks because I suddenly saw the truth).
Please please think about leaving.

Ogham · 04/01/2020 00:13

He actually sounds like the abusive one in the relationship BlueTide.

Savannaha · 04/01/2020 00:14

What an awful man. Needless to say, he is the abusive one not you, OP. I'm just glad you're able to see that he is bullshitting, and you're not falling for it and thinking "there is nobody else that will love me if I am abusive, so I better stay with him" which is undoubtedly what he wants you to think. Please put some really good thought into leaving him

dreamingofmushrooms · 04/01/2020 00:15

Look up DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender), it is commonly used by gaslighters.. See if it rings any bells.

KellyHall · 04/01/2020 00:22

He's trying to belittle you so you don't have the strength required to get away from his abuse. It's a form of grooming, and very common when someone is abusing you.

I'm sorry op but it sounds like you really need to get the fuck away from this mentalist. Be careful though, he likely won't take it lying down.

SayNoToCarrots · 04/01/2020 00:24

Sounds like he is abusing you.

Ididit2019 · 04/01/2020 00:28

He sounds like my ex. I also would defend myself by saying if I was so awful why would I have such a lovely longstanding group of friends and he would reply in such a similar manner to yours. Now they are the ones who are still in my lives while he isn't. He would stonewall and gas light too. Its a way of eroding you slowly over time. One piece of advice I'd give is to stop engaging when he does this and justifying yourself. Smile and say well other people don't think so and walk away. Don't give his words the time of day.

lisag1969 · 04/01/2020 00:47

He is the abusive one.
He's weird. Leave him. X

Original poster

BlueTide · 04/01/2020 01:03

Thank you all - I am somewhat overwhelmed by the replies, because part of what he says had me questioning myself, even though my dc, friends, and family would never ever say I am abusive.

I have ordered the LB book.

I have looked up DARVO - honestly shocking - because this is exactly him @dreamingofmushrooms how did you know that?

He has smashed some household items and left them lying around, he's never done this before, and I found them in the middle of the floor - this was shortly after I told him I'm going to a friends 40th.

How should I respond when accused of being abusive, I usually try to defend myself and tell him that he has been abusive - I give specific examples of his behaviour, but he just gets louder and louder and more critical. I end up crying.

I am going to leave him, have been thinking about it for a while, I just can't live like this anymore.

OP posts:

KellyHall · 04/01/2020 01:10

Please do leave him!

Make sure you have a solid plan for your children, housing, finances, etc.

It'll be hard but so worth it.

Kerning · 04/01/2020 01:12

It doesn't matter how you respond OP, you cannot reason with an abuser.

This is no way to live.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 04/01/2020 01:18

How should I respond when accused of being abusive

"I'm sorry you feel that way." Then just shut up. Don't say anything else apart from "I'm not going to defend myself. I don't need to." Repeat, repeat, repeat. Do not engage in defensive behaviour, that means he's got you on the back foot and will go for the jugular.

If he starts with the "Answer me bitch!?" shit then you look him straight in the eyes and simply say "No. I don't want to."

madroid · 04/01/2020 01:22

The best way to respond is non emotionally. He's saying it for a response from you. It's a form of control.

So you should go 'grey rock'. So you politely acknowledge what he's said, do not agree or disagree and look like you are mildly interested but unperturbed. The aim is not to confront but to be so boring in your response that he will leave you alone.

So you could say something like 'I'm sorry you think I'm abusive DH, but you are entitled to your opinion.'

Or 'Well you have a right to your opinion.' Then walk away or read or watch TV - anything that shows you're not engaging.

That said the best strategy to dealing with an abuser is to leave the sad fucker to it and get the hell away to a sane better life.

madroid · 04/01/2020 01:24

X post with evermore

Ididit2019 · 04/01/2020 01:27

**EvenMoreFuriousVexation

Completely agree with this. It will help break the cycle of you justifying/defending yourself and giving him power.

dreamingofmushrooms · 04/01/2020 10:13

@BlueTide I read about DARVO on Mumsnet, it's been mentioned a number of times on threads over the years.

It was probably quite a shock to you, reading about it

Interestedwoman · 04/01/2020 10:46

"But I still love you a lot, no one will love an abusive woman like you except me"

This is abusive and controlling.

'example would be he doesn't want me to go for a spa evening at a friends house because he doesn't like her, I go anyway, and he won't speak to me for days after, but will still try sex, which I refuse, then also get told I am being abusive'
This is abusive and controlling.
' that there is something wrong with me.''

This is emotional abuse.

'He has been abusive to me in the past, all verbal, but often gives me the silent treatment one minute, then asks about have a fourth dc the next day, which baffles me.'

This is a sign of an abuser. He devalues you and then 'hoovers' you in by giving you crumbs. This is why people stay in abusive relationships.

'the atmosphere, his moods, '

This is abusive and controlling. It's designed to try and make you walk on eggshells and cow-tow to what he wants.

'He has smashed some household items and left them lying around... this was shortly after I told him I'm going to a friends 40th.'

This is abuse and an attempt to control you by intimidation.

He's a real wrong'un OP. You need to get out of the relationship, please. xxx

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 04/01/2020 11:41

Glad you are thinking of leaving OP. He is a gaslighting abuser. The smashing of stuff is an escalation. Be careful to keep yourself and DCs safe if he gets a whiff of you leaving. He could be one angry narcissist and try to cause harm.

category12 · 04/01/2020 12:02

He's the abusive one. Time to work on leaving the relationship.

SilverSurfer2020 · 04/01/2020 12:21

he doesn't want me to go for a spa evening at a friends house because he doesn't like her, I go anyway, and he won't speak to me for days after

He doesn't want you to go out.

He doesn't want you to socialise on your own.

He doesn't want you to have any independance.

Plus he wants to convince you that you're a terrible person who only he would put up with. You're so "lucky" to have him.

Sounds like he's intensely insecure and I'd turning it on you. Before you or anyone else says to reassure him, her him counselling etc .... That never ever seems to work.

The lines are so common and so predictable it's eery - I've lost track of how many times I've read women on here saying "he says I'm a horrible person, he says I'm a bitch, he's says no-one else would put up with me, he's the only person who ever would etc etc". Often they attack their looks/body outright or more subtly too.

SilverSurfer2020 · 04/01/2020 12:27

*get him counselling

plumpmom · 04/01/2020 13:26

He smashed things up because you said you’re going to a friends 40th??? I’d say you’re not the abusive one. That right there, what he did is abuse. Have you read about coercive control?

Original poster

BlueTide · 04/01/2020 20:31

I’ve spent the day being criticised by him, from how I speak, which is apparently aggressive, the time I wake up, what I cook, what I say. Literally nothing is good enough.

OP posts:

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