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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is going on in my marriage?! Please Help!

55 replies

BlueTide · 03/01/2020 23:38

We have 3 DC all in primary school, own house together, both work professional jobs, been together 14 years, met married and pregnant within a few months - far too quickly really, and he was fabulous in the beginning. He has always been introverted with hardly any friends, all our friends are mine, I am very sociable. We have had our ups and downs. Something he has always done but started to do more frequently now is to tell me I am an abusive partner, which I obviously don't think I am, and when I ask him why, or to tell me what I did, he will say things like
"Can't you see it?"
"you have been abusive since the day I met you"
"Gosh you're so abusive you can't even recognise it"
"But I still love you a lot, no one will love an abusive woman like you except me"
I have asked him why he chooses to love such an abusive woman like me, his answer is because he does, and can't help who he loves.
I have lots of lovely friends, and I pointed out to DH that if I was such a bad person all these people wouldn't want to be my friends, he says it's because I am not in a close relationship with them so I don't abuse them, or that I hide my true self from them.
I have always stood up for myself to him, and he hates that, and has often expected me to go along with what he says, which I don't, an example would be he doesn't want me to go for a spa evening at a friends house because he doesn't like her, I go anyway, and he won't speak to me for days after, but will still try sex, which I refuse, then also get told I am being abusive, or that there is something wrong with me.
He has been abusive to me in the past, all verbal, but often gives me the silent treatment one minute, then asks about have a fourth dc the next day, which baffles me.
I am getting very fed up with all this, and cannot stand the atmosphere, his moods, and when I might next get called an abusive partner.
What is this all about?
And yes I have thought about leaving on and off for the last year or so.

OP posts:
ScreamingLadySutch · 04/01/2020 21:30

Its awful when you wake up and realise.

Are you able to no react, and just remove yourself? When he starts, leave the room to get a glass of water, hang up a towel , check the loo rolls - any room!

He is envious of you, OP. That you have fun, can laugh, have friends.

What are you going to do? Do you have a job? Have you got a plan?

Original poster
BlueTide · 04/01/2020 21:52

Yes I have a pt job, but need his financial support to survive as a family.
I am trying not to react, I say nothing and walk off now, instead of trying to defend myself. But then sends me a long message detailing my failures. Which I feel compelled to reply to, today’s the first day I’ve not replied. Not sure if that’s a good thing or bad thing.
He’s also telling me that as an abusive woman he’s concerned about my parenting ability, strange because dc hate me going out and cling to me, always come to me by default. On the odd occasion that I’ve shouted at dc in the past, he’s never let me forget and still mentions it, accusing me of having flown into a rage. Which I didn’t.

Gosh it’s really a wake up time for me.
I’m wondering what time I should wake up as I’ll be criticised if it’s not right by his standards. I should not have to live like this, nobody should.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 04/01/2020 21:59

My response would be "I no longer wish refuse to remain in a marriage where I'm viewed as abusive. You may love me in your own way, but I can't love a man who calls me abusive, as it's wearing me down."

From everything you've said, he is the abusive one, but he tries to deflect. That's very nasty of him.

He doesn't sound nice at all...and wants you to feel lucky to have him. He can't give you examples, because there are none.

SandyY2K · 04/01/2020 22:03

But then sends me a long message detailing my failures.

I'd block my H if he pulled this crap.

The more you say, the worse he sounds. I don't know how you've put up with it for so long.

He's a nasty piece of work.

doodleygirl · 04/01/2020 23:01

Leave and don’t look back

pointythings · 04/01/2020 23:07

Your response should be a divorce petition and beyond that you respond as detailed above - calmly disagree and carry on divorcing him. He will have to pay maintenance for his DC. You may have to downsize or increase your hours at work, and you should look into whether you might get support in the form os Universal Credit too. It won't be easy but it will be so much better than living with him. He is absolutely abusive. You are not.

ErrmWTAF · 04/01/2020 23:41

You've always gotta ask yourself, if you're such stinky shit that they can only barely put up with you, why the fuck haven't they gone off and found a new wonderful person by now?!?

Answer: You're Not
and/or
they can't be arsed to train up a new person to put up with their shit
and/or
they couldn't even begin to find one such
and, let's not forget, YOU'RE NOT.

sofato5miles · 05/01/2020 04:16

Leave

You CANNOT stay because of financial worries, you really can't. This is no way to live. Do you have any family to go to?

puds11 · 05/01/2020 04:39

Definitely leave. Ignore all of his abuse, don’t engage, but do be prepared for him to try even harder once he realises you’re not listening. Do you have somewhere to go? Can you take the children with you?

Cambionome · 05/01/2020 06:56

Grey rock see a good solicitor op. Flowers

Lozzerbmc · 05/01/2020 09:59

This is awful he is abusive and controlling. Sorry you are going through this - you must break free!

ScreamingLadySutch · 07/01/2020 20:21

@BlueTide the more you describe him, the worse he sounds.

Have you ever suggested counselling? Have you ever told him you are unhappy? Are you frightened of him?

Have you confided in any of your friends? I found when I did, a lot of people didn't like him/found him cold/etc.

You are not alone.

But be very careful about leaving him. I would plan ahead IIWY. Start squirrelling money away, look for a better paid job, so you can put the deposit down on a rental.

Maybe get friends to help you move in the middle of the day? I just get the feeling he wouldn't' take being left very well and could get dangerous.

Original poster
BlueTide · 07/01/2020 21:32

@ScreamingLadySutch

Yes I have suggested counselling, which he has done, but he got worse. Sadly his counsellor convinced him that he was a saint for putting up with me, and gave him advice such as to ignore me if I say something he doesn’t want to respond to. I never met the counsellor, she also told him it was her opnion that I was the cause of all the problems not him. I asked him if he told her that he refers to me as a bitch, of course he said he didn’t!

We also tried couples therapy, same thing really, where the counsellor asked what I was doing to push his buttons, his response “yes, exactly” I read somewhere that couples counselling is not appropriate for abusive relationships, it’s for more general relationship dynamics.

I have told two friends, one can’t believe it, because he’s so lovely to her. The other friend has always thought he was weird.

I am mostly not frightened of him. I have a big protective family, and know he’s intimidated by my strong network, but none of my family know, I can’t face telling them. Obviously his behaviour is impeccable in front of them. I can tell my family, I have 4 brothers they will help me move (in his full view) or make him leave, and he would comply. But I’d rather not involve them right now.

We’ve had a chat about the state of the relationship and he’s admitted he has behaved badly, and has said he didn’t mean things the way they’ve come across, and wants to improve himself. I’ve heard it before, so many times.

Not sure what he’ll do if I leave him. He says he’ll emigrate to Australia and the dc will never see him and it will be my fault. And he will find someone new as quickly as he can and have a baby straight away. Weird, I know.

OP posts:
Ediemccreedy · 07/01/2020 21:57

He'll emigrate to Australia and it will be your fault?! What a psycho.

Noshowlomo · 07/01/2020 22:42

He’s the abuser here! Let him emigrate!

vivapuff · 07/01/2020 22:53

If he chooses to emigrate and not see his children, that is his choice not yours. He is emotionally blackmailing you to keep you in the relationship

Commonwasher · 07/01/2020 22:55

If you have already had couples counselling and therapy made his behaviour worse, it seems like you and the children would be better off out of this. It sounds very toxic. You deserve better xxx

Commonwasher · 07/01/2020 22:57

Ps: it’s his decision to emigrate — don’t be manipulated.

Caselgarcia · 07/01/2020 23:09

I'd be tempted to reply 'yes, that's probably for the best' if he threatened emigrating to Australia!

Weenurse · 07/01/2020 23:12

Get a SHL (shit hot lawyer) and start planning.
Get financial documents, copies of bank statements, pension statements, passports and give them to someone you trust.
Look at your finances and work out any entitlement you may have.
Do a budget based on your wage work out different scenarios, if you stay in the house, if you leave and rent etc.
You may not be able to leave straight away, but having an escape plan will give you confidence.
Good luck 💐

ScreamingLadySutch · 08/01/2020 16:41

"I never met the counsellor, she also told him it was her opnion that I was the cause of all the problems not him. "

Oh, it was what HE SAID she said? More abuse, BlueTide.

Please tell your family and show the whatsapp's. 4 brothers in his face telling him what a twat he is? Might produce dramatic change in behaviour.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 08/01/2020 17:01

If you have three young DC and want a divorce I'd recommend you don't leave. He's the one who needs to move out.

Consult a solicitor and take their advice. But don't let him know until you're ready to act.

There is no doubt in my mind that you're being abused. And I wouldn't believe for an instant his account of what the counsellor said. Very glad to hear you have a large, supportive family.

Elieza · 08/01/2020 19:01

He’s horrible. Australia would be a good move for him. I feel sorry for the Australians though!

You could try women’s aid for advice. They are excellent. They deal with women trapped at home by having only part time wages when they want to split from an abusive or controlling horrible husband.

Just be careful as he may well freak out when he finds you are not putting up with his bullshit any longer as he won’t want to lose his victim and have to train a new one.

You’ve done your best for your family for many years. You are everything he is not. He’s jealous. Feel no shame when you tell family you can no longer suffer in silence.

eddielizzard · 08/01/2020 19:47

He wants to find someone else and have a baby really quickly because they'll also be trapped and he can pull his abusive crap on them too.

You're strong. First step is to tell your family and close friends the truth. You're going to need a lot of support to get out of this awful relationship.

And I'd bet my bottom dollar that your family won't think he's the saint he makes himself out to be. The mask easily slips a little and your family won't say anything to you out of respect. it can be as small as an off look. I very much doubt it'll be a total surprise.

eddielizzard · 08/01/2020 19:48

Yes - you only have his word that's what his counsellor said. He was probably lying about that too.