Heartbroken.. need to hear from other parents whose children live abroad

[windmill4865]

My daughter was born hearing impaired. I spent 16 years in and out of hospitals (she had other issues) and doing my best to give her the best life. Gonna cut to the chase now. Will elaborate if anyone is interested. So, I spend 16 years doing my best. She becomes amazing, talented, beautiful. Leaves for Oz with her partner at 19. Gets residency.. Is now a manager of a recruitment company. She is now 25. I do manage to see her once a year (she either comes over or I meet her somewhere). She came home for Christmas. I am distraught for the loss of the child I wanted.. which is not the child I had to deal with. I know in my heart it is success but the loss when she goes back is dreadful.. She can pay for her own hearing aids (loads of money and invisible). I am heartbroken.. I wanted her to do well. but not that well !! (I don't mean that. please no haters). Please anyone who has children who live abroad.. how do you deal with it. I just wanted to be part of her success and I am not :( I miss her so much. We had no good interaction when she was younger because I was always the one who made sure she was safe at school/college etc . always took her to hospital appointments and operations. I have no good memories of her as a child. She is a beautiful successful woman now. I feel lost. Sorry for rambling

I'm in my 20s - I could not and would not ever leave my parents like that. I'm so sorry OP

I am incredibly proud that my children are confident enough to go and explore and live somewhere brand new. I think it means you did an excellent job of teaching them confidence, resilience, self-reliance and loads more amazing life skills. Yes it is sad, but how amazing for your little girl!

Why @Thorn90?

You have clearly done an amazing job that your disabled daughter is able to live abroad and is doing so well in her career.

Leaving is what children do. They must, in order to fulfill their potential. Ask her for a Skype once a week to stay in touch, but now she has flown the nest you must fill your life with other relationships and activity. Do you have a partner? Friends? Now is your time. Do you have a job or do voluntary work? Which communities are you a part of?

So sorry OP. I get it. I've had nothing but losses over past few years and basically end of this year will have no dcs no partner can't rememver much of my dcs younger years due to pnd .....You need to grieve. Grieve but try to be happy for your daughter. It's amazing how confident she is to live in another country. You gave her wings, now she's flying. And you dont know what the future will bring.

You have no good memories of her as a child? That’s just strange. No wonder she moved across the world!

Is there any possibility of you relocating?

Not quite the same but I left for oz a d lived there for years. We were happy a d successful there with our own house. We had children and life changed. We decided life is too short to knot have our children grow up near our lovely families(we are very lucky) I wanted my mum basically once i had 2 under 2! So we moved back. Best thing we ever did.
So it is possible they could move back once kids on scene. Phone, Skype and visit as much as possible.

You should try to feel proud of the amazing job you did with her. Her self esteem and go-get-em attitude comes from you. You have given her a huge gift.

I moved abroad (far) when I was 26, and stayed away for 10 years. It was something I had always dreamed of. My parents support and belief in me have me the confidence to do thus.

They never complained, even if they saw their grandchildren only once a year. They always managed to (pretend to?!) be happy for me.

Only when I was older and had kids myself did Zi understand their generosity of spirit in this respect. 8 years ago we moved to a country much closer to home, and we seem parents 4 times a year at least.

I love them and am grateful they allowed me to fly, to give me that freedom

I hope things work out for you, and that you can find peace with her decisions. Can you save up and v I dit? It must be hard for you, but try and be happy for her

Sorry for typos, hope it makes sense

I am so sorry windmill. It is hard. Is she your only child?
My 2 living children are now settled abroad most of the time. Neither could face coming home after their big brother died suddenly.
They do visit, but only for a week or so at a time.
DH and I do visit the one who is closest a couple of times a year, but the older one is too far away. We visit once a year. My health is poor, so there will come a time when I won't be able to travel.
I am so thankful for technology. We can talk to each other frequently.
You did a fantastic job raising your daughter and making all the sacrifices you did.
Have you suggested meeting halfway for holidays? We do this, it means a 12 hour flight each, which reduces the cost/ time for us.

What @Radn said op

@Lewtthemysterybe..bit harsh. it was hard. I did my best,...but maybe you are right ?

Yes, married. got with husband when she was 4. He was good about all the stuff I had to do. I made her strong. Said she had to be. No bullys etc. I gave her the skills to repel anyone who stood in her way. I made an amazingly strong woman. Now 21 years down the line with brought up other kids and step kids. He throws it back in my face . Saying she must hate me..... just feel sad... would have liked a happy medium . I should be proud but I grieve for the relationship we should have had

Perhaps you should try and change your mindset? Your DD is not a child anymore, she’s an amazingly talented young woman who has lived with her hearing loss thanks to you. As parents, we can only do our best to equip our children with skills they will need as an adult and you have done that OP.

Two of my children live abroad and I’m incredibly proud of them. It’s so hard to let go and watch them live their lives but that’s what parents do. Be proud of yourself that you have brought up such a confident woman.

If you have no good memories of her from her childhood, that’s incredibly sad and probably why she moved abroad. It’s very normal for children to move away when they become adults. I haven’t lived near my mum since I was 21 (initially lived in the same country, now live abroad in dh’s home country since I was 30). If you want a successful life and opportunities, it’s often very hard to find work and a good life in whatever small village you grew up in.

I live an 11 hour flight from my family now. They see us and our dc 3-4 times a year. We prioritise that travel. My dc have a lovely relationship with their grandparents. It’s very much quality over quantity and they are closer with them than my dh’s family who live just in the next county. If you have a solid relationship, the distance won’t change that.

It sounds perhaps like your identity and self worth has come from your daughter and being her cater. She’s grown now. It’s time to build a life independent of that. Do you work? Have interests? Good friends, etc?

Aye? So you’re husband has been an arsehole to you. Because your reaction is a bit OTT. But he’s made you feel a thousand times worse.
Why on earth would he say that to you. Is he usually that unkind.

Your husband is an abusive arsehole. No wonder you miss your daughter.

You sound very conflicted and troubled. Do you have anyone you can talk to?

I'm a sibling if it helps? My brother lives in the States, moved out there a year ago. It was hard, I've never seen my mum so upset and he'd lived in London for 3 years after 3 years at uni 3 hours away from home.
As a family (DB, mum, dad myself and ds) have fortnightly video calls. We have a family WhatsApp group and we all chat crap and say hello daily.
Mum and dad went out to see him 3 times and he came home just after I had DS in August, he also came home for 10 days over Christmas.

To an extent I think my parents are used to him being away from home and seeing him once a month .
I'd say the hardest adjustment was visiting him, we can no longer jump in the car or on the train, it takes more planning and a flight and not a day trip.

So you're upset because your daughter has blossomed and gone off to live her life elsewhere?

Or are you upset because your husband has put you down so much over the years?

@Lewtthemysterybe ..... was the cuntish reply really necessary?

It could be worse OP. Your DD could live five miles down the road from you and never bother with you. Like one of my BIL is like with my MIL.

If your DH is saying things like that to you, then I really do think you have a more pressing problem with his attitude to be frank. I'm going to go our on a limb here and ask if perhaps HE is the reason your DD stays away?

If you have no good memories of her from her childhood, that’s incredibly sad and probably why she moved abroad.

Tact is a thing

And I wept big sloppy tears when my first DC left home for uni. Raising children takes a large part of your life. It's ok to acknowledge feelings of loss.

I really feel for you OP. I hope things get better in terms of time spent with your daughter and your relationship with your husband

Why on Earth don't you have any good memories of her as a child?

To the nasties who remarked on my "no good memories of her as a child". it was hard. Of course I did everything I could to keep her well, safe and happy. And I loved her dearly. Life was spend in hospitals (ear ops) and hearing clinics. Getting an educational statement for her and maintaining that throughout her school time . She screamed constantly - day and night. I was worn out with giving her the best life and also looking after my son and step children. It was hard for all of us. Its over. She is successful and happy. I just wanted advise as to what to do with the loss . We do have a lot of happy memories but it was consumed with my fight to get her to this level. I seem to have missed out on the good bit !.. that's all. thank you for kind comments. Was just feeling raw because she has gone and my wish was for her to live nearby with a little family !!