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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Heartbroken.. need to hear from other parents whose children live abroad

69 replies

windmill4865 · 03/01/2020 20:03

My daughter was born hearing impaired. I spent 16 years in and out of hospitals (she had other issues) and doing my best to give her the best life. Gonna cut to the chase now. Will elaborate if anyone is interested. So, I spend 16 years doing my best. She becomes amazing, talented, beautiful. Leaves for Oz with her partner at 19. Gets residency.. Is now a manager of a recruitment company. She is now 25. I do manage to see her once a year (she either comes over or I meet her somewhere). She came home for Christmas. I am distraught for the loss of the child I wanted.. which is not the child I had to deal with. I know in my heart it is success but the loss when she goes back is dreadful.. She can pay for her own hearing aids (loads of money and invisible). I am heartbroken.. I wanted her to do well. but not that well !! (I don't mean that. please no haters). Please anyone who has children who live abroad.. how do you deal with it. I just wanted to be part of her success and I am not :( I miss her so much. We had no good interaction when she was younger because I was always the one who made sure she was safe at school/college etc . always took her to hospital appointments and operations. I have no good memories of her as a child. She is a beautiful successful woman now. I feel lost. Sorry for rambling

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 03/01/2020 21:00

Why was her childhood so unhappy? I appreciate she had health issues, but from your post there was no joy, love or happiness

MrsTerryPratchett · 03/01/2020 21:02

So I'm your daughter. I moved and I miss my mum. But my DH and DD are here and that's how it is. We Skype every week, visit both ways once a year and when we see each other, we spend a lot of time together. My DD adores my mum, far closer to her than my FIL who loves much nearer.

My mum is just happy I'm happy. We also sometimes go away together, which is lovely.

windmill4865 · 03/01/2020 21:10

Her childhood was not unhappy at all. it is just how I am feeling at the moment. It was challenging. She had and has no idea . She was loved by all and she knows that and has no recollection of otherwise. From her perspective, I guess it was great !/ It was me that found it hard as her mother. Her father (although we were apart) found her hard also. We all gave her the best of everything. She had a fantastic childhood. I didn't enjoy it much . but she did !!.. The point of it was that I said I missed her and the woman she has become.. that was all

OP posts:
aroundtheworldyet · 03/01/2020 21:22

It strikes me that you want to share more closely in her current life, because her childhood was so hard for you.
You should be proud that she had a happy childhood even if it was so hard.
And don’t beat yourself up. You’re human. You’re allowed to feel sad and allowed to have found her childhood really hard for you.

Some of MN saintlyness is a bit wearing sometimes.

Redpolkadotcup · 03/01/2020 21:24

You should be seriously so proud of yourself!! It's a parents job to teach their child to be able to live without them, you've clearly done a fantastic job of this when doing this for you at times was imaginably made harder. I can imagine how hard it must be but don't let that cause you to ignore the positives Flowers

Yetanotherwinter · 03/01/2020 21:26

@Thorn90 unfortunately that’s the natural order of things. Our children grow up, become adults and lead their own lives. No parent should want to hold their child back. If it’s any consolation OP lots of people live near their parents but are not close at all. I’m sorry your husband is abusive.

OverByYer · 03/01/2020 21:40

Awww OP you obviously did a great job bringing her up to be such a confident person able to live and work on the other side of the world despite a difficult start in her life.
Can you save up and go and stay with her for a few weeks?
I do sympathise, my son is currently traumas working in NZ and I probably won’t see him at all this year.
Don’t be so hard in yourself.
Your husbands comments are really cruel.

windmill4865 · 03/01/2020 21:57

Thankyou for nice comments. She had landed safely back in Oz. I will get back to normal. It was wonderful to see her and of course, I am proud of her. I grieve for her childhood that I didn't enjoy. I was young - she has no intention of having children at the age I had mine !! She is a career girl ! we are so different. I made her strong. she is strong. Amazing young woman she is xx Thank you again to anyone who has said something nice and encouraging on this thread x

OP posts:
ShouldI101 · 03/01/2020 23:43

Sounds like you're sad because you were there for all the hard times but don't get to share the good times as much as you had hoped. I get that. I think it's ok to be a bit sad. It's not ok for your whole life from here on to be coloured by it but it's ok to be sad for a while x

VaselineHero · 03/01/2020 23:59

I'm so sorry OP. My brother and I live abroad and I know it's tough on my parents. I live in a close country which softens it a little as I can get home quickly and often, but my brother lives in the Far East which is so much more distant - even the time difference can make regular contact tricky to maintain. Its always sad to say goodbye and get on a plane.

I know it's not much use now, but she may not stay abroad forever. She may decide to have kids and realise that being close to family is more important for her. I know many friends who have decides to move back from Oz once they start planning a family.

StrawberryDreamX · 04/01/2020 00:07

I feel your pain OP, my sister moved to New Zealand with her 2 Dd a few years ago. It broke my heart, I loved my nieces like they were my own. I was very much involved in their life and had a great relationship with them. They are now home but our relationship isn't the same unfortunately. You should be proud you have raised confident, independent, successful Dd. She may decide to come home one day and I hope yous can have the relationship you desire.

Musti · 04/01/2020 00:20

You sound weird op. It is completely normal to do your best for your kids and then be proud and happy when they blossom. I don't understand why hearing impairment ops etc meant that you couldn't enjoy her childhood??

I moved to the other side of the world after uni and then moved back to europe but still in a different country to my parents. I miss them a lot but they also moved away from home themselves. I am pretty sure that some if not all my kids will move away when they're older.

spongedog · 04/01/2020 00:28

I am not quite sure what you want from us (strangers on the internet). My own life experience (now in my 50's) was that my parents supported me when I moved to live on another continent for 3 years. My mum wrote to me by snail mail weekly. Naturally I wrote back when I had the time! Until the phone call came (yes phone call - international, expensive, pre-internet, pre-email, pre-social media, etc) - my dad was seriously ill (accident). I commuted between 2 continents for a while and finally came home for good.

My parents always wanted me to be independent. And I want that for my DC. Mine has a learning need - now they are teenage I doubt they will ever be truly independent. That really depresses me.

I have been quite sick'nd by the social media posts of "friends" about the despair that "mums" feel about their children moving away - this is to universities in their own country. You read about snowflakes, millennial generation and so on.

Your DD and you sound amazing - you have both dealt with many obstacles and difficulties - please trust your DD - after all you set her a brilliant role model. My childhood wasnt great - but I do know that both my parents loved and supported me.

Palavah · 04/01/2020 00:35

Did you not bring her up to spread her wings and make her way in the world and be happy and successful?
Mixed feelings at your children not needing you as much as they used to are normal, I think. However, your husband's comments are unlikely to be true and certainly aren't helpful. Does he often try to bring you down?

Have you asked your daughter for a regular Skype chat? Have you been out to visit her?

jimmyjo · 04/01/2020 00:40

I have a son in Australia and a son in the USA , both speak to me every day , I love them both so much , I gave them roots and wings to fly, I am so proud of what both have achieved, I do see them both every year without fail, yes I would love them to live in the UK however there life styles are fabulous, I know they both love me .

Walnutwhipster · 04/01/2020 00:44

What about your son? You've raised a strong independent woman and should be proud.

missyoumuch · 04/01/2020 01:18

I live overseas, both DH and I moved away from our home countries when we were in our early 20s. It's not because we hated our parents or our childhoods. We had dreams and ambitions that took us to universities and jobs abroad. You need to not make this all about yourself. Your DD is in Australia because she has a good partner and a good job there.

Trust me I have family members whose adult DCs still live at home, no good job, no good relationship, health issues, and they would trade with you to have a successful and happy child living far away any day.

AgentJohnson · 04/01/2020 01:59

It sounds like there are issues to unravel and you should consider talking to a professional before they become a problem.

It isn’t your child’s responsibility to make up for what did or didn’t happen in the past or the apparent arsehole you’re married to.

Maybe the distance is what is needed right now otherwise you might be tempted to stifle her with your involvement if she lived closer.

Your grieving for an ideal but whilst you’re doing that, you’re missing out on the present.

Please speak to professional because regret can be corrosive.

nc18 · 04/01/2020 02:41

Where are your son and sc?

This all sounds a bit much and your husband sounds horrible

Linning · 04/01/2020 07:16

But you are part of her success OP, she is where she is at thanks to you and your effort to provide her with the most normal life possible.

I am a similar age to your DD and moved abroad at 16 and have been living abroad ever since, I go home once, maximum twice a year and often not at all, I went home a little over a month ago but didn't even see my mother and probably won't see her for another year.

In my case though, we don't get along though I do acknowledge that part of why I am abroad is thanks to her (and also initially a little bit to escape her).

If your daughter specifically come back to visit you, she must actually care to spend time with you.

You need to remind yourself that all the things you went through was for her to reach the level of independence and quality of life she now has. Living abroad has been the best thing that has happened for me and it seems to be the same thing for your daughter.

Luckystar777 · 04/01/2020 08:04

I'm so sorry, it sounds really hard for you. I doubt it means she hates you. She just wants a different life, maybe? This is sadly the gamble all people who raise kids take - one day they may move far away or you 'lose' them in some other way. You can hold your head high that you made such a strong woman of her though.

Bluerussian · 04/01/2020 08:12

I'm sorry you're so sad. A lot of people are when their children live so far away, particularly if they've been back for a visit.

You've really done a great job with her though, deserve a pat on the back for that.

Flowers
Hellokittymania · 04/01/2020 08:31

Hi there, I am very much like your daughter. I'm 36 now, I am visually impaired and I have some other special needs due to a congenital rubella syndrome. I think my mother could've written your exact post, and I know she has mixed feelings about it, even now. On the one hand, she can't be more proud of what I do. I set up my own very small organization when I Was 23 years old and I went to live in Vietnam. I was very young for my age then, and we had been having massive arguments up until that time because she was very overprotective. I was 23, but I was like 12… I can't imagine what she went through those first couple of years, and plus, she had a hard time from family dancing etc.

I just won an award last month in New Delhi for my work. My mother was able to be with me, and she was even able to bring me up on the stage. She was my assistant in India… I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I really wanted her to be part of my success too. She hasn't had an easy life . She was getting a lot of compliments from people to about what a great mother she was. And I'm so glad people were telling her this. When I left home, everybody was accusing her of being a bad mother, and saying how could she let me go… But had she not, I wouldn't be in the position that I am today.

Because of my other needs, she does still support me in the ways that she can, sometimes she can be a bit overbearing… But I think sometimes she feels the same way you do. It's very hard to let go from so far away. She doesn't get to see me very often. We see each other on average once every two years.

Just please know from another daughter with a disability, that you did the best you could, and I am so thankful that my mother didn't stop me. I have learned so much over these years, and become very creative and been able to handle things that I never thought I could or that I would. There are many people with disabilities, much less than mine, who can't do the things that I do.

MollyButton · 04/01/2020 08:57

Get rid of the husband.

And get yourself some therapy.

I have no idea why you don't have good memories of her childhood - despite all her difficulties. I know lots of people with children with disabilities (and I have a "disabled" child myself), but even the ones with very disabled children, or where one has died during adolescence due to their disabilities - they all have good childhood memories! The children all have good memories of growing up.
If she doesn't have good memories or you don't then its not her hearing issues that caused this.
Please get therapy.

SoUnsettled2 · 04/01/2020 09:03

I’d move to Oz to be with her (if u can)