Heartbroken.. need to hear from other parents whose children live abroad

[windmill4865]

My daughter was born hearing impaired. I spent 16 years in and out of hospitals (she had other issues) and doing my best to give her the best life. Gonna cut to the chase now. Will elaborate if anyone is interested. So, I spend 16 years doing my best. She becomes amazing, talented, beautiful. Leaves for Oz with her partner at 19. Gets residency.. Is now a manager of a recruitment company. She is now 25. I do manage to see her once a year (she either comes over or I meet her somewhere). She came home for Christmas. I am distraught for the loss of the child I wanted.. which is not the child I had to deal with. I know in my heart it is success but the loss when she goes back is dreadful.. She can pay for her own hearing aids (loads of money and invisible). I am heartbroken.. I wanted her to do well. but not that well !! (I don't mean that. please no haters). Please anyone who has children who live abroad.. how do you deal with it. I just wanted to be part of her success and I am not :( I miss her so much. We had no good interaction when she was younger because I was always the one who made sure she was safe at school/college etc . always took her to hospital appointments and operations. I have no good memories of her as a child. She is a beautiful successful woman now. I feel lost. Sorry for rambling

I’d move to Oz to be with her (if u can)

Err no, your DD is entitled to a life that doesn’t include the OP’s constant presence. Maybe it’s time for the OP to have a different focus .

Hi. I am new to this. Tried to reply to HelloKitty - hope she got it !. what an inspirational young woman she is. I was just feeling low because DD had come home (with her partner) for 3 weeks. I had got used to seeing her coming in and going shopping etc. It was normality. Re: my son. He is a successful businessman who brought his own house at 21. He works all over the world. I see him once a month at least. His base is here in UK. Step Children : I adore them and they adore me. They have children and I am Nanny.. its all good. I lost my mother and sister (who I was soo close to).. I nursed them both for 18 years. I will always long for my daughter though. Wishing I had had the connection with her that I did with my sister and that I do with my step daughter

I have a child ( young adult) who has settled abroad. I'm sad that I don't see them much, but more happy that they're happy.

I'm sorry that it's been so painful for you OP.

You know OP, I can sort of imagine feeling a bit like this one day about my son who has autism. He's 12 and so so much of these years have been hard and a fight to get him to the 12 year old he's become. This will continue at least until he's an adult. I do have some lovely times with him but there is a lot of stress and pain and anxiety and anger (his) too. One of the things I dream about it when he is grown up and he's "made it through" I will enjoy seeing and spending time with him. I know I'll feel sad if that never happens. I hope there is a lovely relationship at the end of all this - and I'd do it of course even if there wasn't - but I do hope we get that. So i just wanted to say that I understand x

You obviously did a truly amazing job and enabled her to be the best she could be. She is very lucky to have you for her mother. My DF once told me that your children are only ever on 'loan' to you, when the time comes you have to let them go and you can't make your children responsible for your happiness. I only see my DS once a year and it hurts like hell but I brought him up to be independent and his own man so am proud that this is how he turned out.

I understand OP. My dd (adopted and yes it's relevant has complex learning difficulties. I found parenting her when she was younger very challenging due to her behaviour and the endless fights I had to get her needs met but also because of a loss of dreams I had for the child I dreamt of for so long. I wish I could go back and do it all again.

She is now a fiercely independent young woman who doesn't need me to fight her battles for her. Of course I'm proud of her but I'm also a little sad.

Hope today is a little easier for you.

Hi OP, reading your message made me feel sad for you and also for my own mother. I moved across the world 9 years ago for my dream job. We maintain great contact but it is the day to day normal life stuff that we both miss. We see each other once a year for a few weeks but it never feels like enough and emotions are certainly raw just after leaving one another. So u definitely understand how you feel. Although I am happy in my life here, as time has gone on, I fantasize more and more about when I finally return home. I didn’t do that initially - I was so happy with my new adventure. But I feel like the day will come when I’m finished with this adventure and ready to return home to start a new one. While I can’t speak for your daughter, the same may well happen for her. As time goes on and she gets a bit older, she may think about returning and you will be able to enjoy all the day to day stuff with her. In the meantime, I wish you all the best.

I get it, I am always a little blue for a week or two when saying goodbye to my family, and we only live 1,000 miles apart. But with Whatsapp and video calling, we do talk several times a week, plus we manage to see each other several times a year.

When I first left home, there was only snail mail. I don't know how my mother let me go tbh!

Be proud of your DD. She has achieved amazing things. It isn't easy to leave your support network behind but it's obviously something she felt she had to do.

Whenever I get 'homesick', my DF always reminds me that we just wouldn't have the same opportunities locally that we do where we live, which is true. If my children want to go off and explore when their time comes, I will support them. (My MIL told me I was stealing her son and breaking her heart when we mutually decided to go and live abroad, first time for him but 3rd time for me. As you can imagine, her lack of encouragement and support has impacted upon our relationship over the years).

hugs for you.

Skype and call more. Keeping in touch is necessary and stops your new normal from being out of touch. I left for uni abroad at 16. I lived alone in the US, Southern Africa, China, Australia and South America before coming home at 26.
You taught her well. I would hate it if my mum felt that way, especially if she showed it and guilted me into not pursuing my dreams. You are part of her success because you gave her the confidence to spread her wings. Children grow up and they leave, just another stage of life.

I moved abroad (with my parents, but away from my grandparents who had done a lot of childcare) when I was 11.

I moved back to England on my own in my mid 20s, partly as a change of scene after a messy break-up.

I still love my parents and grandparents, and today it's easier than ever to keep in contact. I speak to my DM more now than I did when I was at uni in another city in the same country.

If your DD didn't have a very positive childhood, she may be escaping from that, or she may not. Even if that is part of the reason for moving away, that doesn't necessarily mean that you did anything wrong.

I'm confused. I don't think people weer being nasty when they commented about your "no good memories as a child". It was an odd [hrase! I can underdstand it was hard work and you had to fight foryour dd's rights and to get here what she needed, and it was hard.
I'm not sure why she screamed constantly - day and night.

Do you mean when she was a baby or for her childhood?

We do have a lot of happy memories but it was consumed with my fight to get her to this level.
What did your h do to help? Do you think you'd be happier without him? How do you and your dd get on now? If you get on well, there are loads of ways you can keep in touch

My DD2 moved out to Oz three years ago, where she is incredibly successful and having a wonderful life. I feel nothing but pride for having raised an independent human being who doesn't feel some form of misplaced guilt that they should 'stay close to mum'.

I go out to visit, she comes home to visit and the pain on leaving her is indescribable, but I have a busy life here and talking to her (we 'chat' on Facebook Messenger most days) helps a lot. Knowing she is living such a great life is good too. It was hard when she split with her boyfriend and called me in tears, but she has a good network of friends out there now.

Try to see it as a success on your part. Children, once adult, shouldn't stay close to home, they should want to get out there and live life!

On the other hand o have a cousin who at 44 has never really stopped needing my aunt on a daily basis and believe me it’s worst that way round. Drama after drama

It sounds to me as if you need some counselling to come to terms with all the mixed feelings that you have, so that you can recognise what a great job you have done, recognise the good times you have had with your DD and celebrate them and learn to focus on the happiness rather than the sadness.

You also need to tackle this man who keeps throwing the past back in your face - that isn't acceptable and he has to stop.

It sounds like you were a dedicated parent. You gave everything you had and look at your children. Your daughter could have been another statistic, and she isnt, shes a successful strong woman, and your son is also doing well in life. Be proud. Dont let your husband take that away from you. I know you miss your girl. Is it possible for you to go spend time with her sometimes too. Its OK to miss her, and it doesnt mean she doesnt love you that she emigrated.
One of the biggest gifts we can give our children is wings to fly the nest.

I think you are looking at this all wrong OP. And looking back and only seeing the negative. Surely you have years of good memories- my good friends ds is profoundly deaf and relies on cochlear implants just to hear the most basic sounds, her dd also has hearing loss but more like your dc where aids can help - even then hospital is only an occasional thing and the rest of the time they are out having a blast.

You've obviously raised an amazing young woman and that didn't happen by sitting in hospital waiting rooms and spending the rest of the time at home and miserable.

I hope my dc travel the world when they are older and settle wherever they love the most and they will be most happy. We haven't had the easiest time either but I'm hoping I've instilled the confidence and adventure that they will have the desire to do anything.

And when I say hospital is an occasional thing, obviously there are countless appointments to attend, operations and adjustments to be had but in the space of a year there are many more days not in hospital than there are in

Dear OP, your daughter has made a life for herself abroad.
She chooses to live away from 'home' for many reasons, we all do.
Perhaps, she felt , although grateful, a little smothered by you?
You have other family to be involved with, appreciate that and let your daughter blossom away from the family base.