Telling DH tomorrow that I am leaving

[scaredandlostthisdecade]

How can I do this? We are both unhappy, we barely talk. Christmas and New Year were silent, with us both sat in different rooms. A friend has offered their spare room a temporary stop gap.
What can I say? There is no domestic abuse, we have just fallen so far out of love. I am desperately sad but it has gone too far. We used to argue but now we just sort out bills and DS, usually by text. (for those interested and to avoid drip-feeding, DS will remain in the family home, he will be happier there and I will see him just as much, if not more as will be not actively avoiding being at home-I am not asking for advice or judgement on that).

I stayed in the family home with DC, are you sure you don't have an option to be the one to stay? Are you sure he will want to stay?

Echoing post above about you being the one to move out.

How old is your DS?
Could your H not be the one to move out?

Sorry to be difficult but it is very, very clear that DH will never leave. For various reasons including the division of childcare it is better for DS to stay with DH.

Sit down and talk before you leave, is there a spare room at home? Separation may be the result but talking is key to ensuring it's as smooth as possible and doesn't involve expensive legal bills. I'm 10 months into the process and we get on far better as friends!

@daydreambeleiver there's no spare room, and no where for me to sleep apart from the sofa. I am hopeful we can part as friends, he is a lovely man but we have separated in all but name.

I split with my ex 2 years ago on Christmas Eve, wedding planned, the sodding dress still on the back of my bedroom door. No fights, just a sad realisation we weren't right for each other. I left my home, my job - and for a bit, the country I lived in. It's horrific at time but I promise you you will be happier. Good luck x

Op, I wish you all the best of luck. I hope this new chapter will bring new discovery and a revitalization for you and your son.

Short term, leaving might work but long term it could pose legal/ child contact issues. See a solicitor before committing to leaving.

I would seek your own legal advice before further committing yourself to moving out.

Why did you describe him as a lovely man as well?. I know denial is a powerful force and all that but really?. He is NOT a lovely man at all.

I also doubt very much that you will sadly part as friends; he seems already to be going all out to have you considering moving out for instance because he wont leave. Your son may well think poorly of you also for leaving him with dad.

What age is your DS? Will he know what's going on?

OP are you getting independent legal advice?

I also agree with others. What sort of a 'lovely' man would see the mother of his child have to leave? Sounds like no-one is at fault here so there is no reason why he cannot be amicable but it sounds like he won't be. Do you own your home or rent?
As for how do you tell him.... just tell him! Sit him down and tell him you can't live like this anymore, you don't love him and you both deserve to be happy.

I'm sorry for the OP's predicament, but I don't see what legal or moral right she has to expel him from the family home, when it is her who wants to end the relationship.

I'm not sure why people are commenting on the decision you have made regarding leaving your ds with his dad! It's OK to actually do this if it benefits everyone.
My stepchildren were left with their dad when their mum left, it was all fine!!! The Op hasn't asked for any advice regarding that.

Just take a deep breath and tell him that you're leaving.

Keep it simple. "I cannot live like this any longer. I'm leaving today/date. I think it's best that DS stays here with you, but I am keeping my key so we can continue to co-parent as we do now. You can reach me on my mobile if you need to contact me."

You really need to explain to your DS what is going on too. You haven't said how old he is. I'm sure you're not making this decision lightly but you must realise that you are putting your relationship with him in jeopardy both legally and emotionally.

Giving you a hand to hold OP. It sounds really tough.

What sort of a 'lovely' man would see the mother of his child have to leave? Sounds like no-one is at fault here so there is no reason why he cannot be amicable but it sounds like he won't be. Do you own your home or rent?

Are you saying women who remain in the home, cant be decent people?

I think some of these posts are being unfair on the husband. He hasn’t had any involvement in her decision to move into the friends house. She hasn’t told him yet. It may well be he’d be perfectly reasonable and open to moving out. The poster has a plan and it all sounds perfectly logical and reasonable to me. Why can’t he be lovely? He may well be a perfectly decent man but as the poster said, they just don’t love each other anymore. This happens. Nobody’s done anything wrong here. It doesn’t appear to me to be any reason to assassinate his character. Ignore the baying hounds OP. It sounds like you’ve come to the end of the road. I know plenty of people who have done similar. It doesn’t have to be acrimonious. Part as friends and move on. If it was me, I’d see a solicitor for advice first. Are you going to need equity from the property? You’d beat find out where you stand before agreeing to move out.

I was in your position over 30 years ago.

Please explain what’s happening to your DS together (mine was 9 at the time), keep his life as much as possible as it is now.

Initially things were fine when I left, but that’s because XH thought I’d be coming back. Not that he cared much, I was taken for granted. He played the situation well - the poor abandoned father, garnered a lot of sympathy.

After a couple of years I’d moved on and had the strength to get DS back, but I’ve never forgiven myself for leaving him. Since he’s grown up we have spoken about that period, he very much downplays it, but I feel it’s had a lasting effect on him.

I am forever judged by many as the mother who abandoned her child. It’s toughened me up over the years.

Stay strong OP, I wish you all the love and luck.

I have done it. Feel awful, but also a little relieved. DH had a suspicion all was not well, but was surprised too. We have agreed to tell DS (8) together on Monday. I feel sick and absolutely destroyed. Going to try and sleep tonight and face tomorrow when it comes.

@Scarsthelot no I didn't mean that obviously. But this comment....

it is very, very clear that DH will never leave

I'm not saying he has to be the one to leave but I find that comment rather worrying. No discussion?

Whatever your reasons, I doubt very much your son will understand his mum leaving him. He won't see that you are leaving your DH, only that you are leaving him.

Don't you all think it's hard enough on the OP? Stop sticking the boot in.

He's 8. He'll understand. His mom and dad love him, they'll make sure he knows that. She's doing what she knows is right. It's better for him mom to move out than him see his parents ignoring each other.

He's much more likely to be able to have fun with his parents now too

I'm not saying he has to be the one to leave but I find that comment rather worrying. No discussion?

And lots of women wont (and are told) to never ever go.

You are making a judgment on his character because he wouldn't want to leave his home and child.

But clearly, you think differently when its women. It's ok when they do it.

@Scarsthelot if you say so