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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Telling DH tomorrow that I am leaving

65 replies

scaredandlostthisdecade · 03/01/2020 01:29

How can I do this? We are both unhappy, we barely talk. Christmas and New Year were silent, with us both sat in different rooms. A friend has offered their spare room a temporary stop gap.
What can I say? There is no domestic abuse, we have just fallen so far out of love. I am desperately sad but it has gone too far. We used to argue but now we just sort out bills and DS, usually by text. (for those interested and to avoid drip-feeding, DS will remain in the family home, he will be happier there and I will see him just as much, if not more as will be not actively avoiding being at home-I am not asking for advice or judgement on that).

OP posts:
Scarsthelot · 03/01/2020 19:43

if you say so

Not really. You said so.

anotherdisaster · 03/01/2020 19:57

@Scarsalot wow, arguing with someone you don't agree with on someone else's post who is looking for advice. I hate to tell you but people are allowed to give their opinion whether you like it or not. Carry on.

Thefaceofboe · 03/01/2020 19:58

Well done OP, the hardest part is over now Flowers lots of love x

RandomMess · 03/01/2020 20:05

Well done op x

I planned to leave DH years ago and it have been me moving out and him having the DC, I was heartbroken and it took a long time to come to terms with doing it.

When I told him he had an epiphany and starting sorting himself out, which will unlikely happen for you but I want you to know sometimes Mum moving out does make the most sense due to circumstances Thanks

Shesalittlemadam · 03/01/2020 20:08

Your son will never, ever forgive you if you leave without him. Regardless of being able to see him more - you (presumably) gave birth to him. Your his Mum....
His parents are separating and he needs his Mum now more than ever!
Yes, some kids grow up without a Mum but having one who then moves out without you is soul destroying for children. I'm sorry but he will feel abandoned

Shesalittlemadam · 03/01/2020 20:08

*You're

Shesalittlemadam · 03/01/2020 20:09

(I speak from almost identical personal experience by the way)

Scarsthelot · 03/01/2020 20:10

@anotherdisaster despite OP being clear why she made this decision and OP saying she doesnr want advice on that issue, you stuck the boot in anyway. It's not really helpful to the OP. Then poat about me arguing? I am simply responding to you.

Scarsthelot · 03/01/2020 20:11

Your son will never, ever forgive you if you leave without him. Regardless of being able to see him more - you (presumably) gave birth to him. Your his Mum....

And his dad is his dad. Neither parent is more important. OP has made a decision that she believes is best for them all.

She knows that better than anyone else. If you cant support her, it would be kinder to back away.

ConfCall · 03/01/2020 20:18

OP I’d obtain legal advice about the accommodation and custody issues before you commit to anything. Your DH may turn sour and it’s best to be prepared. Good luck.

NotStayingIn · 03/01/2020 20:20

Isn't it slightly irrelevant whether DH wants to stay in the family home?

I thought when you get divorced all of that is trashed out, and whatever is in the best interest of the child is also taken into account? So I don't get why the OP is already defining living arrangements that by the sound of it she doesn't want. Wouldn't it make more sense to start divorce proceedings first? ( I haven't been through a divorce so I don't know.)

Hope you are OK OP.

holly40 · 03/01/2020 20:22

Is he going back to school on Monday, do you need to tell him so soon?

Could you stay with your friend for a few days for a bit of space / get away from the situation - make sure you're really certain you want to separate and move out. Perhaps also seek legal advice. And then if you're certain you want to proceed, tell him together (perhaps at the weekend)?

misspiggy19 · 03/01/2020 20:36

**You are making a judgment on his character because he wouldn't want to leave his home and child.

But clearly, you think differently when its women. It's ok when they do it.**

^This. Unbelievable that the husband is getting a hard time on this thread.

Scarsthelot · 04/01/2020 09:56

@NotStayingIn post divorce, yes it's irrelevant.

But divorcing someone you live with, its incredibly difficult. I can see why OP would prefer to live elsewhere while that happens.

It can be a long and painful process.

Wowwe · 04/01/2020 10:36

I could never leave my children, they belong with me always. Children need their mums around

Scarsthelot · 04/01/2020 10:39

Your children don't belong to you because they are possessions.

Thankfully more and more people are coming round to the fact that children are the responsibility of both parents and that both parents are equally important to the children.

helpfulperson · 04/01/2020 10:59

No wonder many men view the children as primarily the woman's responsibility. From this thread that is how lots of women also see it like that.

You can't have it both ways. If you want men to take 50/50 responsibility when you are together then the same has to apply if you split up.

Hadjab · 04/01/2020 12:00

@Wowwe children belong with the more capable, able, loving, stable parent, whomever that may be.

Scarsthelot · 04/01/2020 12:18

children belong with the more capable, able, loving, stable parent, whomever that may be.

They deserve the best set up. OP is far beat placed to decide that than we are.

helpfulperson exactly.

VerySale · 04/01/2020 16:41

"You can't have it both ways. If you want men to take 50/50 responsibility when you are together then the same has to apply if you split up."

I certainly don't want it this way. I'd never agree to 50/50 and I did more of the childcare stuff when ex and I were together. I do believe that, in most cases - there are exceptions of course, children are better off in 1 stable home with their mothers. It may be an unpopular opinion but I don't think dads are as important as mums. Children usually have their primary attachment to their mums and this is the most important one.

thedancingbear · 04/01/2020 17:59

So what you’re basically saying then, VerySale, is that women’s place is at home, looking after the kids?

If most of you think that, then feminism is pretty much dead.

Peterspotter · 04/01/2020 18:41

Go to your friends for a few days as a trial run before you take the plunge. You may feel very different when you’ve not seen him for a few days ( your son I mean)

You will get a gist of how things pan out.

How easy is it to see him

Where would he spend quality time with you

How would you feel not knowing what’s going on in the house with him.

Think very carefully about this as it may have irreversible repercussions

Kn0ckOnTheDoor · 04/01/2020 18:57

Flowers brave start to 2020

CodLiverOil556 · 04/01/2020 20:32

I left my DS behind when I left my H - I took my DD with me and we're a year down the line and it's working. DS needed to stay in his school and I see him every weekend. It was hard to do but I had to leave. Good luck OP it'll all work out in the end

whymewhyme · 04/01/2020 21:20

My husbands mother left him with his dad,hes nearly 40 and it still deviates him that she left to this day.

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