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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Suicidal ex - what to do

86 replies

MiamiBeach104 · 02/01/2020 23:27

I have broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years a couple of months ago. It came as a shock to him as I just picked up my stuff and left.

Long story forward he tells me that he doesn't want to live anymore, he has had enough, his life is worthless, he has nothing to live for. I did leave him in a bad position but he can sort it out if only he wanted to. I keep on offering to arrange professional help but he doesn't agree to go ahead. He has seen a psychiatrist and got prescribed antidepressants (he's been using it for a while but I'm not sure he's on them now).

In the past when his work wasn't going great and he was drunk he would usually start crying and telling that he hates his life, he's had enough, he's never asked for this life etc.

He has been emotionally abusive in the past, that's one of the main reasons I left him. I had 3 hard years supporting him and then found out he used some escort girls. So I just kept on digging my hole deeper instead of facing him and dealing with the issue. I thought I was helping him and us by doing it.

I suspect there is an element of him.being manipulative but what if not? What if he's really thinking of it?

Last time while drunk he texted me he has had enough and wants to end it I called police. They said he seemed fine. The texts stopped for a while. If he would text something like this I would call police asap.

I got myself a flat. And met up few times and we decided to work things out. When I said I ea t to get back to the flat he got angry and told me I have to choose between the flat and him.

I need some advice.

I called some helpline and told a couple of his friends. He has no family as such. Distanced himself from them.

OP posts:
sugarisbitter · 03/01/2020 17:09

Flip it.
All the things he has done ( probably loads you haven't even noticed or worked out yet)
Would he still be with you if it was you doing them?

Halestorm · 03/01/2020 17:11

I'm just conscious that what if he he did something stupid. And I didn't do all I could stop stop him from it.

He's manipulating you into a scenario where the only way to stop him is to get back with him. Is that an appropriate resolution, do you think? You sacrifice your future for his? Of course it isn't.

You know this. Why does he want you to give up the one token of independence, that one safe space away from him? So you are trapped.

Look, he's making empty threats. Never reply, just pass the details onto the police to do a welfare check. Once he knows this will be your reaction he'll stop or police will refer him to adult social services.
Either way, you can't prevent him from doing it if he really wants to, nor could your actions force him to do it if he really didn't want to. This is all on him. His choice to do and his responsibility, not yours.

Imagine it's a friend telling you their ex is suicidal and the only way she can prevent his attempts is to rekindle with him even though it would destroy her. What advice would you give her?

Original poster
MiamiBeach104 · 03/01/2020 18:36

@sugarisbitter if I did shite like this he would have kicked me out in no time! And would have not been nice about it

OP posts:
MargeSimpsonswig · 03/01/2020 19:48

OP he wants you to get rid of the flat so he can trap you. When he has you isolated again, he will up the abuse even more. You have to stop feeling responsible for this person. He is an adult and is responsible for himself and his own mental health.

My abusive ex threatened suicide after I left him. He was also extremely emotionally abusive and had a shit work ethic. When I told his mum, she hardly flinched because he threatened EVERY ex of his with the same BS and he never followed through with it. She could see through the manipulation. This guy harassed me for months after this and ultimately I had to go to the police. I wouldnt be surprised if your ex is capable of similar and has threatened this before to another woman.

Guys like this only care about power and control. They will use every manipulative tactic to suck you back into the abuse cycle (idealise, devalue, discard).

www.thehotline.org/2014/08/21/when-your-partner-threatens-suicide/

Grumpelstilskin · 03/01/2020 19:55

You don't need to do anything!

AlwaysCheddar · 03/01/2020 20:06

You don’t need to do anything except block him.

LasthingIlldo · 03/01/2020 23:34

You can't stay with someone for no other reason than to keep him alive, honestly how crushing is that for your self-esteem and his tbh that he'll know that you are being coerced to stay in a dysfunctional relationship because of suicide threats and you'd be gone if he was to sort out and take responsibility for his own mental health.
Unfortunately nobody really has the power to keep someone from suicide if that's what the person has resigned themselves to doing.
Your ex wants you to give up your independence for him re your flat and that is too high a price in my opinion for any man.
The best thing you can do is say no and then remove yourself from his grip let him sort out what he needs to do for himself.

LasthingIlldo · 03/01/2020 23:39

Ps: an ex threatened suicide too after I'd had enough of his controlling ways. Put up with months and months of harassment, begging and threats etc
It all stopped overnight literally when he got a new gf.
He's still alive couple of decades later.

BumbleBeee69 · 03/01/2020 23:42

Block him ... the end

redcarbluecar · 03/01/2020 23:44

I think you need to distance yourself from him and be very clear that this is his decision and responsibility. If he threatens suicide, you could say you're sorry to hear he feels like that and suggest that he contacts a medical professional or phones Samaritans. Then ignore or block. Or do the latter without the former, but try not to engage with him emotionally at any point. Easy to say I know.

twiggy19 · 03/01/2020 23:47

Hiya, you could phone 111. They have means to help you get some help for him.

X

Original poster
MiamiBeach104 · 06/01/2020 16:45

He's sent me the pic of the rope placed on bed. He was put yesterday and was drinking heavily so he's simply out of his mind drunk.

I told him I'll call police and said I'll get in touch with his brother (they haven't spoken for nearly 20 yrs or so no). He stopped texting me abuse and blockedy personal number. I can still see if he's online or not through WhatsApp on work phone number.

It's driving me insane all this.

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 06/01/2020 16:51

I'd pass it all over to the police and brother tbh, he's abusing you

Pinkbonbon · 06/01/2020 16:52

Block him on everything. As others have said,it is an abuse tactic.

People who are going to kill themselves don't tell people,they just do it.

Block him on everything.
Otherwise he will never stop harassing you.
You can't wait for him to give you peace of mind or permission or closure, you have to make your own - by cutting contact. And by doing lots and lots of reading on abusers tactics.

Melanie Tonia Evans on YouTube does great videos on narcissists. Would be a good place to start. That and mumsnet fave - 'why does he do that?' book by Lundy bankroft. You could also take the freedom program online.

Windmillwhirl · 06/01/2020 16:56

Suicide after breakups do happen, so I would at least tell a family member what he has said and then look to cutting contact. He is not your responsibility any more so don't take this on.

Windmillwhirl · 06/01/2020 16:58

People who are going to kill themselves don't tell people,they just do it.

Massive generalisation there. I have a friend whose husband committed suicide after she left him. He said he was low and would do it and did.

By telling a family member, you at least have let someone know he could be at risk.

Fightingmycorner2019 · 06/01/2020 17:32

Repeat
Not your responsibility
It’s NOT
Please block , stop tracking him and advise his family member and try and move on
It’s massively abusive and manipulative

And if he does it , well what loss to the world ? Sorry that horrible and harsh but ....

Pinkbonbon · 06/01/2020 17:40

When he sent you the rope pic you should have sent an ambulance to his door, guarantee that'd be the last time he'd pull that shit. But you've no reason to now. If you knew his family you could let them know but don't put yourself out tracking anyone down.

If you like you could log your concerns with 101. Leave them to follow up. But block him on everything now.

Original poster
MiamiBeach104 · 06/01/2020 18:01

I'm going to track his brother through linked in and get in touch with him. I know he wouldn't be happy about it but I'm running out of options.

I'm getting abuse texts since 1:30 this morning. When I texted back in the morning I will not come over then the rope pic came...

I'll go insane myself sooner than him. When he's sober he sober ups he might get into senses

OP posts:
Original poster
MiamiBeach104 · 06/01/2020 18:09

And now he threatens me saying that if you don't come home tonight you will see what happens

OP posts:
FeckTheMagicDragon · 06/01/2020 18:18

Call the police. Tell him that you’ve done this. Then block him. This is absolutely vile emotional blackmail. He lost his meal ticket and emotional punch bag. This is him trying to ‘win’ you back. Don’t let him. You are important too and worth so much more than this.

Zaphodsotherhead · 06/01/2020 18:19

Would YOU behave like this towards someone you seriously loved? Of course not. He doesn't love you, he just knows he already has power over you and can't be arsed having to put on a 'nicey nicey' act to drag someone else in and start over again.

So it's easier and quicker to guilt you into taking him back.

Whatever he does, it's his life. It's entirely up to him what he does with it. And if you block him on everything, you won't even know what decision he makes and that's fine.

He will decide to live on and make some other poor woman's life a misery, I would lay bets on it.

LittleMissnotLittleMrs · 06/01/2020 18:20

Report it to the police then later, message him and tell him to stop harassing you. If he continues, call the police EVERY time. It is control - abusive.

Embracelife · 06/01/2020 18:25

Report to police then block.
Not your responsibility

If he were to go thru with it...well it would not be your fault.

fantasmasgoria1 · 06/01/2020 18:28

I agree with the advice you have been given here but I can understand your point of view. If my ex had have threatened suicide I would have refused to go over as I am 99% sure he would not have done anything but if I thought he might I would do what you are doing and contact family. To protect yourself you need not to go round there. By all means call his brother and the police but he just wants you to do what he wants and is controlling you.